Donald's Trumptacular & Stephen's South Carolina Serious, Classy Republican Debate

  • Aired:  12/06/11
  •  | Views: 70,329

Donald Trump prepares to moderate a GOP presidential debate, but Republicans discourage candidates from appearing. (7:36)

YOU HAVE MADE YOUR POINT!

NATION, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF

MEDIA ELITES CRITICIZING THE

G.O.P. PRESIDENTIAL FIELD SAYING

THAT THEY MADE MILLIONS AS

UNREGISTERED LOBBYISTS OR THEY

KILL COYOTES WHEN JOGGING OR

THEY SAID "THE LION KING" WILL

TURN YOUR KIDS GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND ON ABC'S THIS WEEK THIS WEEK

JOURNALISTIC ELDER STATESMAN

WITH A FOUR-YEAR-OLD HAIR CUT

GEORGE WILL HAD THE BALLS TO

TRIP WHOLE FIELD.

>> BETWEEN NOW AND 2016 THOSE

PARTIES HAVE TO DO SOME SERIOUS

THOUGHTS AS TO WHETHER THEY CAN

DEVELOP SOME FITER TO PREVENT

THIS PROCESS-- PARTICULARLY WITH

MAD PROLIFERATION OF DEBATES--

FROM BEING HIJACKED BY

CHARLATANS, ENTREPRENEURS AND

ENTREPRENEUR FLURL CHARLATANS.

>> Stephen: AND DON'T GET HIM

STARTED ON THE CHARLA-PRENEURIAL

ENTREPRE-NARLATANSS!

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THE MEDIA SNOB CANS SHUT

THEIR TRAPS BECAUSE THE NEXT

REPUBLICAN DEBATE IS GOING TO BE

SUPER SERIOUS.

>> THERE IS A DEBATE THAT WILL

HAPPEN ACTUALLY ON THE 27th OF

DECEMBER HOSTED BY NONE OTHER

THAN DONALD TRUMP WHO WILL BE

THE MODERATOR.

>> Stephen: BOOM!

SERIOUS ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW?

DOES JIM LEHRER HAVE HIS OWN

BRAND OF BOTTLED WATER?

DOES JIM LEHRER POOP IN A GOLDEN

TOY SFLET NO.

(LAUGHTER)

JIM LEHRER IS NOT SERIOUS AND

TRUMP IS READY TO MAKE THIS

DEBATE ABOUT IDEAS.

>> I LIKE THE IDEA OF BRINGING

IN SOME VERY GOOD TALENT AND

PEOPLE THAT ARE KNOWLEDGEABLE IN

CERTAIN SUBJECTS.

I'M PRETTY KNOWLEDGEABLE ON MOST

OF THE SUBJECT.

I'M ACTUALLY VERY KNOWLEDGEABLE

ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS AND THINGS OF

THAT LIKE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: SO, CANDIDATES, BE

PREPARED TO BE DRILLED ON

"THINGS OF THAT LIKE."

"ITEMS OF THAT SUCH."

"TOPICS OF THIS STUFF" AND

"FLUENCY IN, YOU KNOW, THAT ONE

THING."

(LAUGHTER)

AFTER THE DEBATE, TRUMP IS GOING

TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS

DEBATE THE FIRST ONE THAT REALLY

COUNTS.

>> THE DEBATE IS DECEMBER 27.

I'M LOOKING TO ENDORSE SOMEBODY

AFTER THAT DEBATE.

>> Stephen: TRUMP WILL ENDORSE

THE WINNER.

SECOND PLACE WINS GARY BUSEY.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, CLEARLY, CLEARLY TRUMP

WANTS TO BE THE NEW REPUBLICAN

KING MAKER EVEN BEFORE THIS

DEBATE ANNOUNCEMENT HE HAND

CANDIDATES LINING UP TO KISS HIS

GOLD RING!

WHICH IS NOT EASY TO FIND

BECAUSE IT IS THE SAME COLOR AS

HIS SKIN.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, THIS TRUMP TACK ALREADY A

IS STILL NOT SERIOUS ENOUGH FOR

PEOPLE LIKE GEORGE W. BUSH'S FOR

ARI FLEISHER WHO CALLED IT AN

INVITATION TO A CIRCUS.

KARL ROVE WHO SAID "I THINK THE

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CHAIRMAN

OUGHT TO STEP IN AND SAY "WE

STRONGLY DISCOURAGE EVERY

CANDIDATE FROM APPEARING."

BUSH STRATEGIST MARK McKINNON

WHO SAID "THIS TRUMP DEBATE IS

PROOF THE INMATES HAVE TAKEN

OVER THE ASYLUM."

(LAUGHTER)

AND TODAY POSSIBLY INEVITABLE

NOMINEE AND SECOND-PLACE

FRONT-RUNNER MITT ROMNEY

DELINE'S TRUMP'S INVITATION

WHICH MEANS THERE IS A GOOD

CHANCE TOMORROW HE WILL ACCEPT

TRUMP'S INVITATION.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

GOOD MAN.

FOLKS, I THINK THESE CANDIDATES

ARE MAKING A MISTAKE NOT TURNING

UP FOR TRUMP.

BUT I GET WHY THEY'RE HESITANT.

THE GUY'S A CLOWN ONLY WITH MORE

MAKEUP.

I CAN THEY BECAUSE DONALD'S A

FRIEND, A TREMENDOUS GUY.

HE'S GREAT.

WE HAVE THE WORLD'S NUMBER

ONE-RATED FRIENDSHIP.

HAVING SAID THAT, HE'S A JOKE.

(LAUGHTER)

A BIG CUCKOO LUNATIC.

I WOULDN'T TRUST HIM WITH A

BURNT MATCH.

THIS GUY IS NOT A KING MAKER,

HE'S SMALL POTATOES.

FINGERLINGS, TREMENDOUS.

BEST SIDE DISH EVER.

DO THE MATH, I PERSONALLY

BROADCAST 161 SHOWS A YEAR, HE

DOES 20.

A MIDDLE SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF

"THE MUSIC MAN" DOES MORE THAN

THAT, OKAY?

HE'S A CHILD.

HE'S A TODDLER WEARING MAN

PANTS.

LOOK AT THIS YUCK.

LOOKS LIKE A GIN-SOAKED RAISIN

FELL INTO A NUCLEAR REACTOR.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

NUCLEAR.

NUCLEAR POWER, BY THE WAY, THE

FUTURE I'M HEAVILY INVESTED.

YOU WANT TO PLAY KING MAKER,

DONALD?

THAT'S MY TURF.

I GET THINGS DONE, I CLOSE DEALS

ASK MY GUESTS.

THE BLACK KEYS WANTED GLUTEN

FREE CRACKERS, I MADE IT HAPPEN.

BOOM, NOBODY ELSE DOES THAT.

I STARTED A SUPERPAC.

UNPRECEDENTED MONEY,

UNPRECEDENTED INFLUENCE.

I CAN CALL THE POPE, HE ANSWERS,

WE TALK SOCCER.

SEE THIS WATCH?

100% PLATINUM.

SEE THIS WATCH?

100% GOLD.

OKAY?

I WEAR THEM UNDERWATER, FISH

LOVE THEM, THEY'RE SHINY.

EVERY NIGHT I EAT EGG ROLLS FOR

DINNER.

NOBODY STOPS ME.

EVERY BATHROOM IN MY HOUSE HAS

TWO SYNCS AND THREE TOILETS.

I USE ALL OF THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

THE POINT IS FORGET DONALD

TRUMP, HE'S HISTORY ROLLED IN

FORGET HIM SMOTHERED IN A

YESTERDAY SAUCE.

(LAUGHTER)

TOMORROW IS ABOUT ME, THE MOST

FAMOUS MAN IN THE HISTORY OF

SOUTH CAROLINA.

THE G.O.P.... THE G.O.P. WANTS A

SERIOUS DEBATE?

THEY DESERVE IT.

BAR NONE, THEY'RE THE BEST PARTY

IN THE WORLD, THAT INCLUDES

SPACE!

THAT IS WHY AS OF THIS MOMENT I

AM OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCING MY OWN

REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

STEPHEN COLBERT'S SOUTH CAROLINA

SERIOUS CLASSY REPUBLICAN

DEBATE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I AM DOING THIS.

YOU HEAR THAT, DONALD?

YOU HEAR THAT?

PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.

EVERYBODY'S EXCITED ABOUT THAT.

OKAY?

CHECK BOTH OF MY WATCHES WHEN

THEY GOT EXCITED.

I'M DOING THIS, IT IS SET, IT'S

GOING TO BE ON ANIMAL PLANET IN

JANUARY AND WE'LL FIGURE OUT THE

DATE LATER.

WRITE THAT DOWN, I TOLD THEM I

EAT GET BACK TO THEM.

EVERY SERIOUS CANDIDATE IS

INVITED.

THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE AND THEY

HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER WHICH, BY

THE WAY, IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE

PHONE NUMBER IN THE HISTORY OF

THE UNITED STATES PHONE SYSTEM.

IT HAS THREE SEVENs AND FOUR

DIAMONDS.

IT'S A FULL HOUSE.

GENTLEMEN, LADY, CALL ME: YOU

KNOW WHAT WHAT?

CAIN CAN COME, TOO.

THE BLACKS LOVE ME.

YOU WILL ALL BE PART OF THE MOST

INFLUENTIAL DEBATE SINCE THE

DAWN OF TELEVISION.

EVERYONE ARRIVES IN A LIMO, THE

LIMO'S GET TAKEN AWAY BY

HELICOPTER.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL THE MEN IN TUXEDOS, MICHELE

BACHMANN IN A FUR HAT.

SABLE.

ONLY THE BEST.

AND IT'S NOT GOING TO BRAINIACS.

IT'S GOING TO BE REAL ISSUES

REAL PEOPLE DO.

THEY SAY NOBODY CAN DRINK A

GALLON OF MILK IN AN HOUR.

MY PRESIDENT IS GOING TO DO IT.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WANT A FOREIGN POLICY

QUESTION?

FIRST YOU EAT A BUG, OKAY.

YOU SCARED TO EAT A BUG?

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DEAL WITH

SDMIN THAT'S ALL THEY EAT.

BY THE WAY, PANDA EXPRESS,

NUMBER ONE AIRPORT FAST FOOD

CHAIN, GET THE LO MEIN, IT COMES

WITH FRIED RICE.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE THE

HIGHEST-RATED DEBATE IN THE

HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

WHY BECAUSE WHOEVER WINS I'M

GOING TO MARRY THEM, ALL RIGHT?

TELEVISED WEDDING, SPECTACULAR.

HUGE EXPOSURE, LAVISH HONEYMOON

TO THE COLBERT NATIONAL TOWER IN

TORONTO, CANADA.

SEE THE SKYDOME, SEE THE BLUE

JAYS, NUMBER ONE BASEBALL TEAM

IN ONTARIO.

CALL ME, CANDIDATES, THIS OFFER

EXPIRES WHEN I SAY IT DOES.

Loading...