COUPLE DECADES.
( LAUGHTER )
NATION, WE ARE IN THE THICK OF
THE BASEBALL PLAYOFFS, WHICH
MEANS THE PACE OF THE GAME HAS
GONE FROM STULT FIGHT TO
GLACIAL.
BUT I'M HERE TO SPEED IT UP TO A
GRINDING HALT.
THIS IS THE "SPORT REPORT."
( APPLAUSE )
FOLKS, MY STRONG SUPPORT OF
DESTROYED STEROID USE HAS MADE
ME A LONELY VOICE IN SPORTS
JOURNALISM UNTIL LAST WEEK WHEN
RESPECTED VETERAN SPORTSCASTER
BRENT MUSBURGER TOLD A
JOURNALISM CLASS AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MONTANA THAT
PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES COULD BE
ALLOWED TO USE STEROIDS, SAYING,
"HERE'S THE TRUTH ABOUT
STEROIDS, THEY WORK."
YOU CAN'T ARGUE THAT LOGIC.
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WANT TO PLAY
SOME REALLY GOOD JAZZ, HEROIN
WORKS.
JUST ASK CHARLIE PARKER'S WIDOW.
[AWED YANKEES REACTS]
IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE BESIDES
ME ENDORSED STEROIDS USE.
SPORTS ARE BORING.
JUST LAST WEEK IN THE BASEBALL
PLAYOFF, THERE WAS A TOTAL
SNOOZE FEST OF THE GAME WHERE
THE CINCINNATI REDS DIDN'T GET A
SINGLE HIT, AND THAT COULD HAVE
BEEN AVOIDED IF THE REDS'
PLAYERS HAD SHOT THEMSELVES UP
WITH A COMBINATION OF H.G.H. AND
MINUTE WAX MAHOGANY WOOD FINISH.
THEN NOT ONLY WOULD THEY BE
HUGE, THEIR ARMS WOULD TURN INTO
BATS.
MUSBURGER DID HAVE ONE CAVEAT
ABOUT TURNING SPORTS INTO A
CHEMICAL-FUELED MAN BEAST DERBY,
CAUTIONING THAT WHILE STEROIDS
COULD BE USED AT THE
PROFESSIONAL LEVEL, THEY HAVE NO
PLACE IN HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETICS.
EXACTLY.
AND THAT DISTINCTION SENDS A
CLEAR MESSAGE TO KIDS THAT
STEROIDS ARE NOT FOR THEM,
UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE AS GOOD
AS THEIR HEROES.
NEXT UP, FOLKS, I'M NOT FAN OF
THE BRITISH EMPIRE, BUT I DO
ADMIRE HOW THE MEMORY OF BRIT
TALLIAN'S RULE WAS KEPT ALIVE IN
THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES.
A GLORIOUS QUADRENNIAL ATHLETIC
TOURNAMENT WHERE HER MAJESTY'S
FORMER COLONIES GATHER TO
COMPETE FOR WHO WAS MOST
IMPERIALLY RAPED FOR THEIR
NATURAL RESOURCES.
BUT THIS YEAR'S GAMES IN INDIA
HAVE HAD A SPOT OF WORTHER.
JIM.
>> AT LEAST 15 SWIMMERS ON THE
ENGLISH AND AUSTRALIAN TEAM HAVE
A STOMACH VIRUS, POSSIBLY
BROUGHT ON BY THE QUALITY OF THE
WATER IN THE AQUATIC CENTER.
>> A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF
ENGLISH ATHLETES HAVE BEEN HIT
BY DIARRHEA.
>> Stephen: THAT MAKES FOR AN
EXCITING RACE.
YOU HAVE A REAL MOTIVATION NOT
TO FALL BEHIND.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT, FOLKS, THAT IS NOT ALL.
JIM.
>> THE SOUTH AFRICA DELEGATION
WERE HORRIFIED TO FIND A SNAKE
IN ONE OF THE ROOMS RESERVED FOR
THE COUNTRY'S ATHLETES IN THE
GAMES VILLAGE.
>> THERE IS A DEN GAY FEVER
ALERT.
>> TONIGHT THE WEIGHTLIFTING
ROOF HAS FALLEN IN.
>> LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY
THE GAMES ARE FALLING APART.
THE BRIDGE COLLAPSE HAPPENED
RIGHT NEXT TO THE MAIN STADIUM.
>> Stephen: THIS IS SO MOVING.
IN ALL SPORTS WE'RE INSPIRED BY
ATHLETES OVERCOMING PERSONAL
OBSTACLES, BUT ONLY AT THE
COMMONWEALTH GAMES CAN WE BE
INSPIRED BY THE ATHLETES
OVERCOMING THE COMMONWEALTH
GAMES.
WITH ALL THIS COVERAGE OF THE
PROBLEM OF THE GAMES, THE ONE
THING NOT COVERED ARE THE
RESULTS OF THE GAMES.
THAT ENDS TONIGHT.
JIMMY, THROW OUT THE
COMMONWEALTH GAMES LEADERBOARD.
OKAY.
SNAKES ARE ON TOP.
JUST EDGING OUT STRUCTURAL
FAILURE, DIARRHEA AND MONKEY
ATTACKS WITH DENGUE FEVER
FIGHTING OFF A STRONG CHALLENGE.
AND, OF COURSE, BRINGING UP THE
REAR, CAMEROON.
( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY, BRETT FAVRE, WHO FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS IS IN
THE NEWS FOR SOMETHING OTHER
THAN RETIRING.
THE BLOG DEADSPIN.COM HAS
REPORTED THAT FAVRE ALLEGEDLY
TEXTED A FEMALE NEW YORK JETS
EMPLOYEE NAKED PHOTOS OF
HIMSELF, INCLUDING ONE IN WHICH
HE WAS MASTURBATING WHILE
WEARING ONLY A PAIR OF CROCS.
NOW WE KNOW WHY FAVRE'S ANKLES
ARE SO BAD.
THOSE THINGS DO NOT PROVIDE
PROPER SUPPORT.
I DO WANT TO EMFA SIZE, FOLKS,
THESE ARE ONLY ALLEGATIONS.
AS CBS NEWS REMINDS US, DEAD
SPIN'S REPORT LACKS ANY HARD
EVIDENCE, WHICH IS
UNDERSTANDABLE AT HITS AGE.
I MEAN, THE GUY'S A GRANDFATHER
FOR PETE'S SAKE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT EVEN IF THESE ALLEGATIONS
ARE TRUE, I GET IT.
CROCS ARE KNOWN APHRODISIACS.
JUST ASK THIS TURTLE.
♪♪