The Word - Happy Endings

  • Aired:  09/06/11
  •  | Views: 42,785

Since people know how everything ends, they can either worry or they can enjoy the show. (5:21)

(LAUGHTER).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW, FOLKS, HOW HARD IS THAT?

THINK.

HOW HARD IS THAT?

AND, FOLKS, THIS EARTHACANE

COULD NOT HAVE COME AT A WORSE

TIME.

AMERICANS ARE FEELING PRETTY

SHAKY AS IT IS.

POLLS SHOW THAT JUST 22% OF

AMERICANS ARE SATISFIED WITH

THEIR LIVES, ONLY 45% ARE

SATISFIED WITH THEIR WORK.

75% BELIEVE THE COUNTRY ON THE

WRONG TRACK.

AND 93% WERE TOO DEPRESSED TO

RESPOND TO THE POLLSTERS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT THERE IS ONE SIMPLE WAY WE

CAN LIFT OUR SPIRITS, AND IT'S

THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S WORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

HAPPY ENDINGS.

NOW, FOLKS, I AM NOT TALKING

ABOUT THE KIND OF HAPPY ENDINGS

THAT SHOW UP ON YOUR CREDIT CARD

BILL AS "SHIPPING AND HANDLING."

(LAUGHTER)

THE NEWS PEOPLE EXPLAIN.

>> NOW A SPOILER ALERT.

YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY ENJOY A STORY

MORE IF YOU KNOW HOW IT ENDS

BEFORE YOU BEGIN.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT A NEW STUDY

IS SAYING.

>> Reporter: THE RESEARCHERS

FOUND THAT IN EVERY CASE READERS

WHO ALREADY KNEW THE ENDING

ENJOYED THE STORY MORE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I

ALWAYS READ THE END OF A BOOK

FIRST.

THAT WAY I CAN SIT BACK, PUT MY

FEET UP ON THE BOOK AND ENJOY

SOME T.V.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW THE RESEARCHERS... THE

RESEARCHERS SAY THAT WHEN WE

AREN'T ANXIOUS ABOUT HOW A STORY

IS GOING TO END WE ENJOY IT

MORE.

FOR INSTANCE, BECAUSE I KNOW

THIS SENTENCE IS GOING TO END

WITH APPLAUSE, I CAN SAVOR ALL

THE WORDS LEADING UP TO THE

GREATEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO, FOLKS, FOR THOSE OF YOU...

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT

SEEN THEM, ALLOW KNOW MAXIMIZE

YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THE FOLLOWING

MOVIE: ROSE BUD IS A SLED, BRUCE

WILLIS IS DEAD, ED NORTON IS

BRAD PITT, HE WAS EARTH ALL

ALONG, SOY LENT GREEN IS PEOPLE,

SHE'S GOT A DONG, DARTH VADER IS

LUKE'S FATHER, LEIA IS HIS

SISTER, AND C-3PO ISN'T FOOLING

ANYONE.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, THIS... THIS IS HOW WE

CAN BREAK OUT OF OUR NATIONAL

BLUES!

BECAUSE ALL OF US ARE THE HEROES

OF OUR OWN STORIES.

AND IF WE KNOW HOW THIS ENDS,

WE'LL ENJOY IT MORE.

SO GET READY FOR THE GRANDDADDY

OF ALL SPOILERS: YOU DIE.

(LAUGHTER)

DID I JUST TURN THAT FROWN

UPSIDE DOWN?

AND FOLKS, NOT JUST YOU!

EVERYBODY DIES.

AND HERE, HERE IS THE BEST PART.

WHEN YOU DIE, EVERYTHING THAT'S

BOTHERING YOU RIGHT NOW ENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

FOR INSTANCE, YOU KNOW HOW

SOMETIMES YOU ROLL YOUR EYES

WHEN YOUR PARENTS CALL AND WANT

TO TALK FOR AN HOUR?

FOLKS, THAT WILL END.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF YOU'RE A PARENT, YOUR

KIDS WHO ARE DRIVING YOU NUTS

DRAINING YOUR ENERGY AND BANK

ACCOUNT AND TAKE FOREVER TO GET

THEIR SHOES ON, WELL, HERE'S THE

TWIST, THEY LEAVE YOU.

IT ALL ENDS!

EVERYTHING ENDS.

THE JOB YOU HATE, THE MONEY YOU

OWE, TINY PORK PIE HATS.

PLANKING.

YOUR SECOND MORTGAGE.

THE NATIONAL DEBT.

SUMMER.

AND...

(LAUGHTER).

SCIENTISTS CLAIM THAT BILLIONS

OF YEARS FROM NOW ALL ENERGY

WILL BLEED FROM THE UNIVERSE AND

EXISTENCE AS WE KNOW IT WILL

CEASE.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, EVENTUALLY EVEN THIS SHOW

WILL BE CANCELED.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

BUT KEEP IN MIND JUST WHY WE

LIKE SPOILERS.

ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS, THE

PLOT IS ALMOST IRRELEVANT AND

ONCE YOU KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT,

YOU CAN FOCUS ON A DEEPER

UNDERSTANDING OF THE STORY.

TRUE.

THAT'S THE REASON I NOW KNOW

THAT GREEN LANTERN IS REALLY

ABOUT THE $12 I'LL NEVER GET

BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

SO SINCE WE KNOW HOW EVERYTHING

ENDS, WE HAVE TWO OPTIONS: WE

CAN EITHER WORRY OR WE CAN ENJOY

THE SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, OH, OH.

I LOVE THIS PART.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, THAT'S GOOD, TOO.

THAT'S GOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT WAS EXCITING.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I BET YOU SAW THAT COMING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Loading...