Herman Cain Wants Small Bills

  • Aired:  06/08/11
  •  | Views: 54,596

When it comes to health care, America should listen to the man who made his fortune selling bacon cheeseburger pizza. (3:34)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, YEAH, I GOTCHA.

[AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN"]

THANK YOU, FOLKS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

PLEASE.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I

AM BECAUSE, NATION, THE 2012

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL RACE IS

HEATING UP FASTER THAN A SLICE

OF GODFATHER'S PIZZA.

[LAUGHTER]

MOSTLY BECAUSE FORMER

GODFATHER'S C.E.O. HERMAN CAIN

HAS FIRED UP HIS LIBERAL BURNING

OVEN.

THEY LOVE HIM IN NEW HAMPSHIRE,

BUT IOWA REPUBLICANS HAVE EYES

ON CAIN, TOO, AND NOT JUST

BECAUSE BEFORE THEY RECOGNIZED

HIM THEY WERE ABOUT TO CALL

SECURITY.

[LAUGHTER]

YESTERDAY... YESTERDAY CAIN

WOWED AN IOWA CROWD BY CALLING

OBAMA CARE A DRAIN ON OUR

NATION'S RESOURCES AND ON OUR

PRINTER TO TONER.

JIM?

>> DON'T TRY TO PASS A

2,700-PAGE BILL.

AND EVEN THEY DIDN'T READ IT.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO ONLY

ALLOW SMALL BILLS.

THREE PAGES.

>> Stephen: YEAH, THREE PAGES.

WHY DID OVERHAULING A $2.5

TRILLION INDUSTRY AND ENSURING

THAT EVERY AMERICAN HAS ACCESS

TO AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE HAVE

TO BE SO COMPLICATED?

IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

OH, AND INCIDENTALLY, ROCKET

SCIENTISTS, YOUR PROPOSAL FOR

THE MARS MISSION, KEEP IT SHORT.

[LAUGHTER]

MOSTLY PICTURES.

AND FOLKS, WHEN IT COMES TO

HEALTH CARE, I SAY WE SHOULD

LISTEN TO THE MAN WHO MADE HIS

FORTUNE SELLING BACON

CHEESEBURGER PIZZA.

AMERICANS DON'T HAVE TIME TO

READ COMPLEX LEGISLATION.

THEY'RE TOO BUSY GETTING THEIR

HEARTS RESTARTED.

PRESIDENT CAIN WILL NOT TOLERATE

LEGISLATION LONGER THAN A PIZZA

MENU.

PLUS EVERY BUDGET ITEM WILL COME

WITH SOUP, SALAD AND UNLIMIT

BREADSTICKS.

THE POINT IS, THE PILOT IS

ANYTHING OVER THREE PAGES IS TOO

LONG FOR OUR ATTENTION SPANS.

I THINK I -- OH, I'M GOING TO

GET YOU.

I'M GOING TO GET YOU.

COME ON.

GET OVER HERE.

COME ON.

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE WAS I?

RIGHT.

OKAY.

NO BILL WORTH PASSING SHOULD BE

MORE THAN THREE PAGES.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU, U.S.

CONSTITUTION.

[LAUGHTER]

FOUR PAGES?

HEY, FOUNDING FATHERS, ESTABLISH

A MORE PERFECT UNION OR GET OFF

THE POT.

AND HERMAN CAIN CANE AND I ARE

BOTH NO FANS OF SLAVERY, BUT THE

EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION WAS

FIVE PAGES.

HOW MUCH INK DOES IT TAKE TO

SAY, "YOU'RE FREE NOW.

WE'LL FIX SEGREGATION LATER?

" AND FOLKS, IF SHORT IS GOOD,

SHORTER IS BETTER.

SO IF ANYONE WANTS MY VOTE, THEY

MUST PLEDGE TO REPEAL AND

REPLACE OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE BILL

WITH THIS REPUBLICAN HEALTH PLAN

HAIKU.

[LAUGHTER]

BLOOD IN THE URINE.

A TINGLING DOWN THE LEFT ARM.

WALK IT OFF,