Tip/Wag - New Jersey, Robo-teachers & Amazon Erotica

  • Aired:  10/21/13
  •  | Views: 34,813

Mayor Cory Booker officiates same-sex weddings in New Jersey, America lags behind in education, and Kindle opens the door to new forms of fan fiction. (6:37)

TALKING ABOUT IT.

NOW NATION, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW YOU KNOW MY JUDGEMENTS ARE FINAL.

SO IF YOU HAVE A RECEIPT, I CAN OFFER STORE CREDIT.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S NO SECRET, I'M NO FAN OF GAY MARRIAGE.

WHENEVER I'M INVITED TO A GAY WEDDING I EXPRESS MY OUTRAGE BY GETTING A GIFT THAT IS NOT ON THE REGISTRY.

(LAUGHTER) HEY, MARK AND JEFFREY, YOU'LL NEVER MATCH MY SAUTERNE GLASSES WITH THE

STEMWARE ON YOUR LIST AND ENJOY PLAN I COUPLE'S DINNER PARTY WITH 7 OF THEM.

THAT'S WHY I AM THRILLED THAT ONE STATE OUT THERE HAS STRUCK A BLOW AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE.

>> IT IS WEDDING DAY FOR HUNDREDS OF SAME-SEX COUPLES IN NEW JERSEYMENT GAY

MARRIAGE NOW LEGAL IN THAT STATE.

SAME-SEX COUPLES BEGAN EXCHANGING VOWS AT MIDNIGHT ACROSS NEW JERSEY.

>> I NOW BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, THANK GOD, BY THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY, IT'S

ABOUT TIME, I DECLARE JOSEPH AND ORVILLE TO BE LAWFUL SPOUSES IN THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY!

>> Stephen: YES, THAT WAS NEWARK-- (APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YES, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M CLAPPING.

NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS.

YES, THAT WAS NEWARK'S HERO MAYOR AND SENATOR LECH COREY BOOKER ACTING ALSO AS JUSTICE OF THE PIECE.

HE THEN WENT ON TO CATER THE WEDDING DINNER, DRIVE THE LIMO AND SAVE THE COUPLE

FROM AN ESCAPE CIRCUS LINE.

FOLKS, GAY MARRIAGE HAS COME TO NEW JERSEY.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE IT MISSED ITS EXIT ON THE EXPRESSWAY.

(LAUGHTER) SO I'M GIVING A TIP OF MY HAT TO THE OLIVE GARDEN STATE.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING-- ANYTHING THAT WILL TAKE THE GLAMOR OUT OF GAY MARRIAGE IT'S NEW JERSEY.

(LAUGHTER) I MEAN I KNOW SUBURBS SOUND NICE AT FIRST, GAY, YOU STOPPED RENTING A CRAMPED

GAY APARTMENT IN THE BIG GAY CITY AND OWN YOUR OWN GAY HOUSE, LOTS MORE ROOM TO GAY LIVE.

(LAUGHTER) SOMEPLACES WITH A GAY YARD WHERE YOU CAN PLANT SOME GAY TOMATOES, GAY PROPERTY TAXES

TEND TO BE HIGH BUT THAT IS TO PAY FOR ALL THE GREAT GAY SCHOOLS BUT THEN AFTER A FEW

YEARS YOU GET GAY FAT, OH, SURE, YOU PROMISE YOURSELF YOU WILL GAY GO INTO THE CITY BUT IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT

AND YOU GAY WORKED ALL WEEK AND GAY DATELINE NBC IS ON AND YOU SAY OH, THE GAY-- YOU WILL SIT ON THE

COUCH WITH A GAY BEER.

TRADITIONAL VALUES WIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) RIGHT NOW, NEXT UP, FOLKS, IT'S NO SECRET MARK'S FALLEN BEHIND OTHER COUNTRIES IN EDUCATION.

AND NOT JUST IN READING, WRITING AND ARITHMETIC BUT ALSO RIENE AND RECENT REPORT

BY HARVARD KENNEDY SCHOOL FOUND STUDENTS IN LATVIA, CHILE AND BRAZIL ARE IMPROVING ON STANDARDIZED

TESTS THREE TIMES FASTER THAN AMERICAN STUDENT, THREE TIMES FASTER, THAT'S ALMOST

TWICE AS MUCH.

(LAUGHTER) NOW AMERICA IS ADDRESSING THIS PROBLEM WITH SOMETHING CALLED THE COMMON CORE STATE STANDARDS.

WHICH "THE NEW YORK TIMES" CALLED AN AMBITIOUS SET OF GOALS FOR THE MATH, READING

AND WRITING WILL SKILLS THAT CHILDREN SHOULD ACQUIRE AS THEY MOVE THROUGH SCHOOL.

I'M ALL IN FAVOR OF RAISING STANDARDS.

IF WE CAN HELP EVEN ONE KID DO BETTER IN SCHOOL, WE WILL HELP ALL THE KIDS WHO COPY

OFF THAT KID.

(LAUGHTER) BUT FOLKS THERE'S ONE PROBLEM WITH ENCOURAGING OUR CHILDREN TO GROW TO THEIR

FULL POTENTIALMENT SOMEONE'S GOT TO GRADE ALL THOSE PAPERS.

WHICH IS WHY I'M GIVING A TIP OF THE HAT TO ROBO-TEACHERS.

YOU SEE-- TECH COMPANIES HAVE DEVELOPED AN AUTOMATED READER WHICH CAN GRADE 16,000 ESSAYS IN 20 SECONDS.

FINALLY, WE HAVE THE COMPUTE APPROXIMATING POWER TO GRADE HOMEWORK AT THE SAME BLINDING SPEED IT WAS

PLAGIARIZED FROM WIKIPEDIA.

AND I AM GIVING A SPECIAL ADDITIONAL RARE TIP OF MY HAT TO HOW THESE ESSAYS ARE

COMEPUGRADED BY EVALUATING CRITICAL ELEMENTS BY HOW LONG THE AVERAGE WORD IS, HOW MANY WORDS ARE IN THE

AVERAGE SENTENCE AND HOW LONG IS THE ESSAY.

BECAUSE AS SHAKESPEARE HIMSELF WROTE BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT BUT SPLEN DIFFICULT RUSS LOQUACIOUSNESS

IS PARAMOUNT TO ACING YOUR LIT FINAL.

FINALLY-- (APPLAUSE) FINALLY, FOLKS, I LOVE MY AMAZON KINDLE T IS A FANTASTIC PLACE TO STORE ALL

THE BOOKS I'LL NEVER READ.

AND WITH KINDLE DIRECT PUBLISHING WRITERS CAN NOW PUBLISH AND SELL FAN FICTION THAT WOULD NEVER MAKE IT IN

THE TRADITIONAL PRINT INDUSTRY SUCH AS, AND THESE ARE REAL, THE JANE AUSTEN INSPIRED PRIDE AND PENETRATION.

OR THE HISTORICAL FICTION ABRAHAM LINCOLN NINJA

[BLEEP] MASTER, DANIEL-DAY LEWIS, RETURN MY CALL.

(APPLAUSE) SO A BIG TIP OF THE HAT TO AMAZON FOR PUTTING THE POWER OF THE PRESS IN THE HANDS OF

THE PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY IN THEIR FINEST NEW GENRE AND AGAIN THIS IS REAL, DINOSAUR EROTICA.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S FOR ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN TO THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY AND SAID TO

THEMSELVES, I'D TAP THAT.

(LAUGHTER) THE GENRE-- (APPLAUSE) THE GENRE INCLUDES SUCH ACTUAL WORKS AS TAKEN BY THE T-REX.

RAFISHED BY THE TRICERATOPS AND IN THE VELOCIRAPTOR'S NEST, HERE IS AN EXCERPT.

AZOG FELT THE KISS OF SHARP CLAWS AGAINST HER SKIN AS THE HIDE SLID FROM HER SHOULDER AND EXPOSED ONE

NAKED HEAVING BREAST.

AZOG GASPED AND RELAXED AS HER BODY WARMED TO THE INTOXICATING SENSATION OF THE BEAST FLESH AGAINST HER OWN.

THAT IS THE HOTTEST STORY OF A PREHISTORIC CREATURE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A YOUNG

WOMAN SINCE HUGH HEFNER.

(APPLAUSE) WHO AMONG US-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHO, WHO AMONG US HAS NOT THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING IT ON

WITH A LADY TRICERATOPS.

I MEAN WE'RE ALL A LITTLE TRI-CURIOUS.

I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE A SKULL THRILL LIKE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PALEONTOLOGIST

TO UNEARTH A BONE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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