South Carolina Election Results

  • Aired:  05/08/13
  •  | Views: 88,642

Stephen turns his back on South Carolina after voters pick Republican Mark Sanford for Congress instead of his sister. (5:46)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

tephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, THIS,

THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TONIGHT RIGHT NOW THESE PEOPLE

IN THIS ROOM, I DON'T KNOW WHERE

TO BEGIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN ON

HOW TO THANK THESE PEOPLE.

TONIGHT THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM

ARE NOT JUST AN AUDIENCE.

PLEASE, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

I ALMOST CAN'T CONTROL THEM.

THEY'RE NOT AN AUDIENCE.

THEY'RE A MOVEMENT.

AND FOLKS, THANK YOU FOR THAT

OPENING BECAUSE I'VE GOT TO TELL

YOU TONIGHT I AM ANGRY.

AND FOR ONCE THAT DOESN'T MAKE

ME HAPPY.

AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.

>> THE SCANDAL-TAINTED FORMER

SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR MARK

SANFORD WON BACK HIS OLD SEAT IN

CONGRESS TUESDAY.

THE SISTER OF STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> Stephen: MY SISTER LOST.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

I WAS SO SURE LULU HAD WON

BECAUSE CNN CALLED IT FOR

SANFORD.

BUT THE VOTERS -- WHAT CAN I

SAY -- THE VOTERS OF SOUTH

CAROLINA HAVE SPOKEN.

MARK SANFORD BEAT MY SISTER, AND

I BELIEVE THAT MEANS MARK

SANFORD IS NOW MY SISTER.

AND ON BEHALF OF MY ENTIRE

FAMILY, I WANT TO SAY WE'RE

DEEPLY SORRY ABOUT HIM.

NOW I KNOW HOW KEVIN MANSON MUST

HAVE FELT.

I MEAN, I FEEL SO BETRAYED BY

SOUTH CAROLINA.

WELL, IF THEY'RE GOING TO TURN

THEIR BACKS ON MY FAMILY, I'M

TURNING MY BACK ON THEM.

NO, I AM.

FROM NOW ON -- AND I NEVER

THOUGHT I WOULD EVER SAY THIS --

I AM FROM NORTH CAROLINA.

NO, I HAVE TO.

I HAVE TO!

I'M A TAR HEEL NOW WHATEVER THE

[BLEEP] THAT MEANS.

AND AS A NORTH CAROLINAN, I LOVE

OUR STATE BIRD, THE CARDINAL.

THAT'S A STUPID BIRD.

BUT IT'S MINE NOW AND I LOVE IT

AS MUCH AS OUR STATE DOG, THE

PLOTT HOUND.

JESUS, WELL, WHATEVER.

BUT MOST SHOCKINGLY, I WILL NO

LONGER ENJOY SOUTH CAROLINA'S

TANKY, SAVORY, JUICY AND DEEPLY

DELICIOUS BARBECUE, MADE WITH

OUR UNIQUE MUSTARD-BASED SAUCE.

NOW INSTEAD I NOW OFFICIALLY

LOVE NORTH CAROLINA SAUCELESS

VINEGAR-BASED MEAT PRODUCT THAT

THEY CALL BARBECUE.

MMMM.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I'M GOING TO GET ME SOME.

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

FOR LULU.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

MMM.

THAT IS A...

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I MIGHT JUST LEAVE THE REST OF

THAT FOR LATER.

OKAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN'T DO IT.

I LOVE SOUTH CAROLINA TOO MUCH.

AND I LOVE MY SISTER.

AND I'M SO PROUD OF HER.

BUT I JUST DON'T GET IT.

WHERE DID LULU GO WRONG?

DID SHE NOT CAMPAIGN HARD

ENOUGH?

DID SHE NOT RAISE ENOUGH MONEY?

DID SHE HOLD TOO FEW DEBATES

AGAINST A CARDBOARD NANCY

PELOSI?

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU THIS SCARES

ME TO MY CORE.

I'M SHAKING.

THIS WAS THE FIRST POLITICAL

CAMPAIGN WHERE I KNEW AND CARED

ABOUT THE CANDIDATE BEFORE THEY

GOT INTO POLITICS.

I SAW FIRST-HAND HOW HER

OPPONENTS SMEARED HER WITH

OUTRAGEOUS ACCUSATIONS I KNEW TO

BE UNTRUE.

AND THAT HAS MADE ME WONDER IF

OTHER CAMPAIGNS HAVE DONE THIS

AS WELL.

I MEAN, IS IT POSSIBLE THAT JOHN

McCAIN ACTUALLY DOESN'T HAVE

AN ILLEGITIMATE BLACK CHILD?

AND DOES THAT MEAN MEGAN

McCAIN IS WHITE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE

ANYMORE.

AND COULD IT BE THAT "I" HAVE

LIED ABOUT CANDIDATES I DISAGREE

WITH LIKE THAT TIME I SAID THAT

HARRY REID IS JUST A LEATHER

SADDLE BAG BROUGHT TO LIFE BY A

NAVAJO SHAMAN.

I MEAN IT