Inaugural Republican Presidential Debate & Donald Trump's Wisdom

  • Aired:  05/05/11
  •  | Views: 47,082

Several potential Republican candidates pass on the inaugural presidential debate, and Donald Trump compares same-sex marriage to long golf clubs. (3:30)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

FOLKS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOLKS, RIGHT NOW THIS VERY

EVENING IN COLUMBIA, SOUTH

CAROLINA, THEY ARE HOLDING

THE INAUGURAL REPUBLICAN

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

SPONSORED AND BROADCAST ON

FOX NEWS.

BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN ITS HISTORY C OPINION

SPAN HAS SOMETHING BETTER TO

FILM.

AND THE CANDIDATES RESPONDED

TO FOX'S CALL.

MITT ROMNEY, SAID I COULDN'T

BE THERE.

SARAH PALIN, OPTED OUT.

NEWT GINGRICH, STOPPED

ANSWERING HIS PHONE.

MIKE HUCKABEE WHO HAS A SHOW

ON FOX NEWS DECLINED FOX

NEWS.

LUCKILY, THE REN CANS HAVE A

DEEP BENCH.

MITCH DANIELS, JOHN HUNTSMAN

AND MICHELLE BACHMAN WHO

ALSO SAID NO.

BUT I CANNOT WAIT TO GET

HOME TO WATCH IT BECAUSE

THIS DEBATE HAS EVERY THING

YOU TUNE IN FOR.

PODIUMS, MICROPHONES, AND

ELEVATED PLATFORMS.

LIGHTS SO YOU CAN SEE IT.

AND A STAND BEHIND THOSE

PODIUMS ACTUAL UPRIGHT

BREATHING BIPEDS LIKE TIM

PAWLENTY, RICK SANTORUM,

HERMAN CAIN, RON PAUL AND

THIS GUY RIGHT THERE WHOSE

NAME ESCAPES ME, EVEN THOUGH

HE'S BEEN ON MY SHOW TWICE

IN THE LAST YEAR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: HELP ME OUT, ME.

>> PLEASE WELCOME GOVERNOR

GARY JOHNSON.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, WHO?

>> GARY JOHNSON.

>> Stephen: NOTHING.

OKAY.

WELL, HE SEEMS NICE.

OF COURSE, I BELIEVE DEBATES

ARE WON BY THOSE WHO SAY THE

MOST.

AND BY THAT STANDARD NONE OF

THESE GUYS CAN COULD BEAT

DONALD TRUMP.

HE SAYS THINGS ALL THE TIME.

LIKE THIS WEEK WHEN ASKED

HIS THOUGHTS ON GAY MARRIAGE,

HE SAID THIS TO THE "NEW

YORK TIMES".

>> IT'S LIKE IN GOLF ARC LOT

OF PEOPLE, I DON'T WANT THIS

TO SOUND TRIVIAL BUT A LOT

OF PEOPLE ARE SWITCHING TO

THESE REALLY LONG PUTTERS.

VERY UNATTRACTIVE.

IT'S WEIRD.

YOU SEE THESE GREAT PLAYERS

WITH THESE REALLY LONG

PUTTERS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T

SINK THE THREE FOOTERS ANY

MORE.

AND I HATE IT I'M A

TRADITIONALIST.

I HAVE SO MANY FABULOUS

FRIENDS WHO HAPPEN TO BE GAY

BUT I'M A TRADITIONALIST.

EXACTLY.

SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS LIKE

GOLFERS USING THOSE WEIRD

LONG CLUBS.

IT'S UNNATURAL.

GOD CREATED ADAM AND EVE,

NOT ADAM AND BIG BERTHA.

I AM SURE, I'M SURE THAT

DONALD'S WISDOM CAN BE

APPLIED TO A HOST OF OTHER

PRESSING ISSUES.

LIKE WHETHER WE SHOULD RAISE

THE DEBT CEILING.

IT'S BAD, LIKE ALMOND

BUTTER.

THEY'RE MAKING BUTTER OUT OF

EVERY KIND OF NUT THESE DAYS,

CASHEW BUTTER, ALMOND BUTTER,

DEBT CEILING.

>> AND I'M SURE--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: AND I'M SURE

HE'S GOT A PLAN FOR

MEDICARE.

MEDICARE IS LIKE A NICE SET

OF CUFFLINKS, NOBODY WEARS

CUFFLINKS ANY MORE.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP YOU

WORE A BELT THAT MATCHED

YOUR SHOES, NICE TIE PEN AND

CUFFLINKS T WAS SIMPLE YOU

LOOKED SHARP, BROWN SHOES

BLACK BLELT, BLACK SHOES,

BLACK BELT, MEDICARE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NOW OF COURSE

THE REAL TEST OF A PRESIDENT

IS HOW HE'LL PERFORM AS

COMMANDER IN CHIEF.

WILL HAVE TO ARTICULATE OUR

MISSION IN AFGHANISTAN.

>> SHAVING CREAM IS A GEL

NOW.

>> AFGHANISTAN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: SO AMERICA, TAKE

HEART.

DONALD TRUMP COULD BE IN THE

WHITE HOUSE.

WHICH IS LIKE THE OLD DAYS

WHEN YOU HAD TO LICK A

STAMP.

NOW THERE'S STICKERS.

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