Stephen Colbert's Bats**t Serious - Monica Lewinsky's Conveniently Timed Essay

  • Aired:  05/12/14
  •  | Views: 37,456

Fox News pundits make the case for a Hillary Clinton-led conspiracy after Monica Lewinsky writes an article for Vanity Fair. (6:29)

>> NATION-- SORRY, NATION, ILOVE A GOOD COMEBACK STORY,

THAT'S WHY MY FAVORITE ROCKYMOVIE IS THE ONE WITH ROCKY

IN IT.

SO I WAS THRILLED TO HEARTHAT ONE OF THE BIGGEST

STARS OF THE 1990s IS MAKINGA HUGE COMEBACK.

>> MONICA LEWINSKY, THAT'SHER RIGHT THERE.

>> SHE'S WRITTEN AN ARTICLEIN "VANITY FAIR".

>> SHE'S BACK.

>> YUP, SHE'S BACK.

>> SHE'S BACK.

>> GUESS WHO'S BACK.

>> YES, SHE'S BACK.

THAT'S WHY WE SOUND SO UPSET.

LEWINSKY WROTE THE COVERSTORY FOR THIS MONTH'S

"VANITY FAIR" TITLED SHAMEAND SURVIVOR.

IT'S LIKE PRIDE ANDPREJUDICE ONLY THE HEROINE

ISN'T THE ONE WHO GOTTHE HAPPY ENDING.

FOR THOSE OF YOU BORN AFTERTHE LEWINSKY SCANDAL FIRST,

CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTINGYOUR LEARNER'S PERMIT.

SECOND, MONICA LEWINSKY ISTHE FORMER WHITE HOUSE

INTERN WHOSE AFFAIR WITHBILL CLINTON PARALYZED OUR

GOVERNMENT AS CONGRESSATTACKED THE PRESIDENT WITH

A PATHOLOGICAL HOSTILITY,BUT HE WAS WHITE SO IT

BACKFIRED.

NOW LEWINSKY'S RETURN ISGREAT NEWS FOR REPUBLICANS

BECAUSE THIS REMINDER OF THEDARKEST CHAPTER OF THE

CLINTON LEGACY COMES RIGHTBEFORE HILLARY LAUNCHES HER

2016 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

NOW THAT CAMPAIGN IS OVER.

IT'S DONE, TAKE TAFT'S BATHTUBOUT OF STORAGE BECAUSE WE'RE

GETTING PRESIDENT CHRISCHRISTIE.

>> Stephen: IT'S EXACTLYWHAT HILLARY WANTS US TO

THINK.

BECAUSE IN REALITY, THIS ISALL PART OF HER PLAN.

>> I HONESTLY THINK THIS ISPART OF THE CLINTON PLAN OF

SORT OF TRYING TO GET THISOUT THERE NOW.

>> WHY NOW?

THERE'S A LOT OF CONSPIRACYTHEORIES FLOATING OUT ON THE

TIMING OF THIS ARTICLE.

>> THE TIMING IS CERTAINLYCOMING UNDER QUESTION.

>> Stephen: YES, THE TIMINGIS CERTAINLY COMING UNDER

QUESTION.

WHAT QUESTIONS?

WELL, THERE'S ONE RIGHTTHERE.

BUT ARE THERE OTHERQUESTIONS? THAT MAKES TWO.

AND FOLKS WHENS THERE'S ACONSPIRACY AFOOT I FIND THE

TRUTH IN MY LONG TWICERUNNING SEGMENT STEPHEN

COLBERT'S [BLEEP]SERIOUS.

NATION, PREPARE TO HAVE YOURMIND BLOWN AS I EXPOSE THE

SECRET NETWORKS OF POWERCONSPIRING TO CONTROL OUR

EVERY MOVE FOR INSTANCESOMEHOW MY TELEPROMPTER

KNOWS EVERYTHING I'M GOINGTO SAY BEFORE I SAY IT.

LIKE THIS SENTENCE I'MSAYING RIGHT NOW NO MATTER

HOW FAST I SAY IT, EGGPLANT,TUBE SOCK, POTATO SALAD, ALL

THOSE WORDS ARE ALREADY INTHERE.

FOLKS, HILLARY WAS BEHINDTHIS ARTICLE JUST AS SURELY

AS SHE WAS BEHIND THE WOMANWHO THREW A SHOE AT HER LAST

MONTH.

I MEAN IF SHE WERE NOT ANEVIL MANIPULATER WHY IS MY

IMPRESSION OF HER THIS.

(APPLAUSE)BUT THE QUESTION IS WHY DID

HILLARY WANT THIS NEWS OUTNOW.

>> TIMING OF IT BENEFITSHILLARY, IT IS GOOD TO GET

IT OUT THERE TALK ABOUT IT,AND DON'T HIDE WAITING FOR

IT, YOU KNOW, TO REAR ITSHEAD AGAIN.

>> I REALLY WONDER IF THISISN'T AN EFFORT ON THE

CLINTON'S PART TO GET THATSTORY OUT OF THE WAY.

>> RUTH MARCUS WROTE IN THE"WASHINGTON POST" IF AND

WHEN A CLINTON PRESIDENTIALANNOUNCEMENT COMES LEWINSKY

IS GOING TO BE OLD NEWS.

>> Stephen: HILLARY ISTRYING TO MAKE THIS

16-YEAR-OLD NEWS OLDNEWS.

YOU SEE IF WE TALK ABOUT THELEWINSKY SCANDAL NOW THEN WE

WON'T BE TALKING ABOUT ITWHEN SHE'S RUNNING IN 2016,

BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THINGTHE CONSERVATIVE MEDIA IS

KNOWN FOR IT IS LETTINGTHINGS GO.

UNLESS, WAIT, UNLESS THAT'SJUST WHAT SHE WANTS US TO

THINK SHE WANTS US TO THINKSHE THINKS.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE THE PRINCESS OF

DARKNESS ALWAYS HAS ANULTERIOR MOTIVE, RIGHT

ERIC BOLLING.

>> THE THEORY THAT I'MHEARING IS THIS COULD BE

COMPLETELY OFF BASE.

>> Stephen: A GOOD CHANCETHIS IS [BLEEP] GO AHEAD.

>> IS THAT THIS PROVIDESSYMPATHY FOR HILLARY TO REMIND

EVERYONE THAT BILL CLINTON WAS AJERK.

>> Stephen: BUSTED!

SHE WANTS US TO SAY OH, POORHILLARY.

HER HUSBAND WAS SUCH A JERK.LET'S ELECT HER SO

HE COULD BE BACK IN THEWHITE HOUSE BUT WITH MORE

FREE TIME.

BUT IF HILLARY REALLYINSTRUCTED "VANITY FAIR" TO

PRINT MONICA LEWINSKY'SARTICLE THERE MUST BE A

PAPER TRAIL.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CANCONTROL THE MEDIA WITH HER

MIND.

OR CAN SHE?

JIM?

>> YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARENODDING THAT WOULD MEAN

THERE WOULD HAVE TO BE SOMELEVEL OF COLLUSION WITH THE

CLINTONS.

>> THERE DOESN'T HAVE TO BEBECAUSE THE MEDIA AND

DEMOCRATS CAN COMMUNICATEWITHOUT TALKING.

>> Stephen: AHA!!

THE MEDIA CAN COMMUNICATEWITH DEMOCRATS BY READING

THEIR THOUGHTS!

BUT FOX NEWS CAUGHT THEMBECAUSE THEY CAN COMMUNICATE

WITHOUT THINKING AT ALL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NAILED YOU.

NAIL.

AND FOLKS THIS CLOCK GOESBACK DECADES.

BACK IN 1995 HILLARY CLEARLYGAVE MONICA ONE OF HER

DEMOCRATIC PSYCHIC GAZESSECOND THE MESSAGE LOUD AND

CLEAR GIVE THE HUMMER TO MYHUSBAND IN THE OVAL OFFICE

SO THAT 19 YEARS LATER WECAN COMBINE FORCES TO

PUBLISH AN ARTICLE THAT WILLHELP MY PRESIDENTIAL

CHANCES.

IF I'VE SEEN IT ONCE, I'VESEEN IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

AND, AND I HAVE SEEN IT ONCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> NEED MORE PROOF?

THEN YOU'RE WATCHING THEWRONG SHOW.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT IS IT FOR ANOTHEREDITION OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S

[BLEEP], TUNE IN NEXT TIMEWHEN I ASK HOW DID YOU KNOW

I WOULD BE DOING THISSEGMENT AGAIN.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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