Going Diaperless

  • Aired:  05/08/13
  •  | Views: 16,095

Nothing makes parents feel more in touch with their baby's most intimate functions than scraping it out of their shoes. (3:02)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU, FOLKS.

NATION, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW

YOU KNOW I LIKE TO KEEP UP WITH

THE LATEST TRENDS.

I KNOW WHAT'S ALL THE RAGE

BECAUSE I AM "ALL" RAGE.

I GOTS THE SCOOP.

>> DY SCOOP ON WHAT'S HIPPITY

HOOP.

I MEAN I WAS PLANKING WAY BEFORE

IT WAS COOL LIKE EIGHT HOURS A

NIGHT.

AND I'VE ALWAYS GOT MY LOOK

HOLES -- THAT'S WHAT KIDS CALL

THE EYES THESE DAYS -- PEELED

FOR THE LATEST TREND IN

PARENTING.

AND THE "NEW YORK TIMES"

RECENTLY FEATURED A FANTASTIC

NEW FAD IN CHILD REARING.

GOING DIAPERLESS.

TO PRESERVE THE ENVIRONMENT FROM

THE RAVAGES OF DISPOSABLE

DIAPERS, PREVENT DIAPER RASH,

REDUCE THE LAUNDERING OF CLOTH

DIAPERS AND TO FEEL MORE IN

TOUCH WITH THEIR BABIES' MOST

INTIMATE FUNCTIONS AND NOTHING

MAKES YOU FEEL MORE "IN TOUCH"

WITH YOUR BABY'S MOST INTIMATE

FUNCTIONS THAN SCRAPING IT OUT

OF YOUR SHOES.

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

PARENTS LISTEN FOR NOISES THEIR

BABIES MAKE WHILE URINATING OR

DEFECATING.

THEN THE NEXT TIME THEY HEAR IT,

PARENTS MAKE THEIR OWN NOISE

LIKE A SSSS OR A GRUNTING AND

EVENTUALLY THEY CAN HOLD THEIR

BABY OVER A TOILET OR A SINK,

GRUNT FOR ABOUT 20 SECONDS AND

THE BABY GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

PRETTY NEAT.

ALSO, LETTING YOUR BABY DROP

SOME HEAT IN THE SINK IS A GREAT

WAY TO GET THE LADIES ROOM TO

YOURSELF AT BARNES AND NOBLE.

NOW THE TIMES ARTICLE -- YOU'RE

GOING TO LIKE THIS -- THE TIMES

ARTICLE ALSO CHRONICLES A PARENT

WHO LEFT LITTLE BOWLS AROUND THE

HOUSE TO CATCH HER DAUGHTER'S

OFFERINGS.

AND I CANNOT THINK OF A DOWN

SIDE TO CONDITIONING YOUR CHILD

TO PEE IN BOWLS EXCEPT IF YOU

EVER PLAN TO TAKE THEM TO A

POTTERY BARN.

NOW, FOLKS, THIS WHOLE EXCITING

NEW METHOD IS KNOWN AS

ELIMINATION COMMUNICATION

BECAUSE IF YOU LET YOUR KID PEE

IN BOWLS AROUND THE HOUSE, YOU

WILL ELIMINATE ALL COMMUNICATION

WITH FRIENDS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

BUT SURPRISINGLY, THE SYSTEM IS

NOT PERFECT.

DIAPER-FREE PARENTS COMPLAIN

THAT THEY STILL NEED TO RELY ON

DIAPERS OVERNIGHT.

FOLKS, I WANT TO HELP.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO

INTRODUCE A WAY TO LET YOUR BABY

GO DIAPER FREE ALL NIGHT LONG.

IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT'S KIDDIE

LITTER.

SIMPLY LINE THE BOTTOM OF

JUNIOR'S CRIB WITH AT LEAST FOUR

INCHES OF MY PAT PENITENTIARIED

PEE PEE-PELLETS.

THEN IN THE MORNING, SCOOP AWAY

THE OFFERINGS.

AND BRAVO, "NEW YORK TIMES," FOR

REPORTING ON THIS NEW TREND OF

CLEANING UP ACCIDENTS.

ALTHOUGH I THINK I'LL STICK WITH

MY OLD METHOD: PICKING THEM UP

WITH THE "NEW YORK TIMES."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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