Anderson Cooper's Kryptonite

  • Aired:  08/18/11
  •  | Views: 115,901

If "Depard-two" tickled Anderson Cooper's funny bone, Stephen has just the thing to slit his jocular vein. (4:25)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, FOLKS T IS NO SECRET

THAT I HAVE HAD A LONG TIME

BEEF WITH MY RIVAL CNN WOOD

ELF ANDERSON COOPER.

I CANNOT STAND ANYTHING

ABOUT HIM EXCEPT THOSE EYES.

THEY ARE THE EXACT BENJAMIN

MOORE COLOR I PAINTED MY

MASTER BATH.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THAT WHERE THE

ADMIRATION ENDS, FOLKS

BECAUSE AS YOU RECALL NOT

LONG AGO I CALLED OUT

MR. 360-- 360 FOR RIPPING

OFF MY ON NOTICE BOARD WITH

HIS SEGMENT THE RIDICULIST

AND AS PUNISHMENT I ADDED

HIM TO MY ABSURDUCHART.

THE ABSURDUCHART IS TO YOU

GUARDED AT ALL TIMES BY A

PLA TYP US IN A BIRTHDAY

HAT.

I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY.

NOW I HAVE TO ADMIT I HAVE

ALWAYS BEEN INTIMIDATED BY

ANDERSON COOPER'S LEGENDARY

KPOTIONURE UNDER PRESSURE.

BUT I THINK WE HAVE FINALLY

FOUND ANDERSON'S WEAKNESS.

CHECK OUT WHAT HAPPENED LAST

NIGHT WHILE HE WAS REPORTING

ON FRENCH ACTOR GERARD

DEPARDIEU'S RECENT MELTDOWN

WHEN HE PEED IN THE AISLE OF

AN AIRPLANE.

JIM?

>> SO ACTOR GERARD TOOK HIS

LITTLE SOLO FLIGHT TO

URINATION, THE PLANE HAD TO

TURN AROUND AND GO BACK TO

THE GATE AND SOME UNLICKY

CLEANING CREW HAD TO DEAL

WITH THE.

ALL I CAN SAY THEY SHOULD

THANK THEIR LUCKY STARS IT

WASN'T DEPARTFEW.

SORRY.

THAT MADE ME GIGGLE EVERY

TIME I READ IT.

(LAUGHTER)

DEPARTTWO.

I KNOW YOU GOT IT BUT

BUT-- (GIGGLING).

>> SORRY.

(LAUGHTER)

SORRY THIS HAS ACTUALLY

NEVER HAPPENED TO ME.

>> Stephen: I AM SHOCKED!

I AM SHOCKED AT THIS

BEHAVIOR FROM THE

AWARD-WINNING JOURNALIST WHO

STAYS POISED WHILE REPORTING

DURING A HURRICANE, VISITING

AN EARTHQUAKE RAVAGED

HELLSCAPE, FENDING OFF

RIOTERS IN TAHRIR SQUARE,

BEING ATTACKED BY A

HYPOGRIFF AND RIDING HIS

SURFBOARD THROUGH SPACE.

BUT WE HAVE FOUND ANDERSON

COOPER'S KRYPTON IDENTITY.

CELEBRITY POOP PUNS.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, ANDERSON, IF

DEPART-TWO TICKLED YOUR

FUNNY BONE I'M ABOUT TO SLIT

YOUR JOKE-ULAR VEIN.

MAY I PRESENT HOSNI

POOBARAK.

CAMILLA PARKER BOWELS.

DAME DOODY STENCH.

LL STOOL J.

DR. SANJAY POOPTA.

WOLF [BLEEP] TER.

FUDGE NAPOLITAN-TO-,

GRETCHEN HOT CARLSON AND OF

COURSE STEVE DOOCY.

(APPLAUSE)

LAV

(LAUGHTER)

LAUGH STEVE DOOCY.

>> ANYWAY, THAT WAS VERY

UNPROFESSIONAL, AROUND SON

POOPER.

(LAUGHTER)

MUNCH MA QUCHI, WE'LL BE

RIGHT BACK.

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