Guantanamo Bay Office Closure

  • Aired:  01/29/13
  •  | Views: 19,542

The Obama administration reassigns the guy who failed to close Gitmo to a more cushy post: solving the Middle East. (3:22)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I'M NOT PROUD OF IT, BUT SOME NIGHTS, I GO TOO EASY ON OUR RADICAL MARXIST HOMO-FASCIST

SECRET KENYAN TRAVESTY OF A JOKE OF A SO-CALLED PRESIDENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT CAN I SAY?

MAYBE I'M MELLOWING WITH AGE.

AND SADLY, TONIGHT IS ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS, BECAUSE BARACK OBAMA HAS FINALLY DONE SOMETHING

RIGHT IN THE WAR ON TERROR.

AFTER YEARS OF EMPTY PROMISES, HE IS CLOSING GUANTANAMO'S OFFICE OF CLOSING GUANTANAMO.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE DID IT!

FINALLY, AMERICA CAN MOVE BEYOND THE SAD CHAPTER OF TRYING TO CLOSE DOWN OUR GULAG BY THE SEA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEY'RE CLOSING THE OFFICE OF CLOSING GITMO NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.

I HEARD THE CONDITIONS IN THAT OFFICE WERE HORRIFIC.

PEOPLE HELD FOR YEARS IN CRAMPED, POORLY-LIT QUARTERS AND REPEATEDLY WATER-COOLERED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND MORE GRATIFYING TO CONSERVATIVES LIKE ME, KEEPING GITMO OPEN WILL SECURE THIS KEY

PART OF GEORGE BUSH'S LEGACY.

ALONG WITH BRUSH-FREE PATHS IN CRAWFORD AND THE INVENTION OF THE SAFETY PRETZEL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION DIDN'T ABANDON DUE PROCESS ALL BY THEMSELVES.

NO, NONE OF THIS GIVING UP WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE WITHOUT THE HEROIC ROADBLOCKS THROWN UP BY

CONGRESS, WHICH PASSED LAWS BARRING THE TRANSFER OF DETAINEES INTO THE UNITED STATES, THAT PROHIBITED

TRANSFERRING DETAINEES TO COUNTRIES WITH TROUBLED SECURITY CONDITIONS.

AND RESTRICTED DETAINEES FROM BEING RETURNED HOME EVEN IF THEY HAD BEEN PROMISED IT AS PART OF

A PLEA DEAL.

THEREBY UPHOLDING THE CONSTITUTIONALLY GUARANTEED RIGHT OF "HABEUS PSYCH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, THE SPECIAL ENVOY IN CHARGE OF CLOSING THE PRISON DANIEL FRIED, SEEN HERE JUDGING MANKIND

AND FINDING US WANTING, HAS BEEN

[ LAUGHTER ]

REASSIGNED TO WORK ON ISSUES LIKE IRAN AND SYRIA.

THAT'S JUST MORE OBAMA CRONYISM.

THE GUY FAILS AT ONE JOB, SO THEY GIVE HIM A CUSHY POST SOLVING THE MIDDLE EAST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FOLKS, I APPLAUD THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION'S MATURE DECISION.

CLEARLY THESE DETAINEES ARE GOING TO BE THERE UNTIL THEY DIE.

SO IT'S TIME WE EMBRACE GITMO AS A PART OF THIS COUNTRY.

AND NOT AS A PLACE FOR PERMANENTLY IMPRISONING PEOPLE WITHOUT CHARGES IN A KAFKA-ESQUE

LABYRINTH OF HUMAN DESPAIR BUT MORE AS A TERRORIST RETIREMENT COMMUNITY JIHADI MEADOWS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AFTER ALL, LIKE OUR SENIORS, THEY WEAR BRIGHTLY-COLORED JUMPSUITS, THEY'RE OFTEN ON A

LIQUID DIET, AND WE TRY OUR BEST NOT TO THINK ABOUT THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WHO KNOWS, GUANTANAMO BAY MAY EVEN BECOME POPULAR WITH OUR OWN SENIORS.

AFTER ALL, IT'S JUST LIKE FLORIDA BUT WITH FEWER CUBANS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]