Cheating Death - Crash Diet Feeding Tubes & Scrotum Gel Injections

  • Aired:  04/25/12
  •  | Views: 24,458

Feeding tubes help brides drop 20 pounds in 10 days, and sperm-murdering jelly injections prove highly effective. (5:25)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

NATION, A BODY IS 60% WATER,

THAT'S WHY TO STAY HEALTHY EVERY COUPLE OF MONTHS I CHOKE DOWN A BRIT A FILTER.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, T.S.A..

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

REMEMBER, DIURETIC BEFORE ANALGESIC, YOU WILL BE SICK.

ANALGESIC BEFORE DIURETIC,

COPACETIC.

(LAUGHTER) FIRST UP, WEIGHT LOSS.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, I ALWAYS KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST DIETING TRENDS.

RIGHT NOW I'M ON THE SUBWAY DIET.

I ONLY EAT THINGS I FIND ON THE SUBWAY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) BUT PERHAPS NO ONE IS MORE WEIGHT CONSCIOUS THAN BRIDES TO BE.

ON HER SPECIAL DAY, A WOMAN WANTS THAT WOW FACTOR.

AND SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT ENOUGH TO PUT THE BRIDESMAID INTO SOMETHING HIDEOUS.

LUCKILY THERE'S A NEW WAY TO DROP POUNDS BEFORE YOU AND YOUR

HUSBAND SAY "I DO" AND THEN SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIVES GETTING FAT TOGETHER.

JIM?

>> FOR THE WALK DOWN THE AISLE MORE AND MORE BRIDES TO BE ARE

TRYING SOMETHING YOU USUALLY SEE IN HOSPITALS.

UP TO TEN DAYS TIED TO A FEEDING TUBE JUST LIKE THAT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> THE DIET WHICH PROMISES TO HELP YOU SHED 20 POUNDS IN JUST TEN DAYS.

DIETERS INSERT A FEEDING TUBE INTO THEIR NOSE...

(AUDIENCE REACTS) ... WHICH RUNS THROUGH-TO-THE STOMACH.

THEY'RE FED A CONSTANT SLOW DRIP OF PROTEIN AND FAT.

>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, LADIES,

ADD THAT TO YOUR RECEPTION DINNER CHOICES.

(LAUGHTER) CHICKEN, FISH, OR SLOW DRIP OF PROTEIN AND FAT.

(LAUGHTER) REMEMBER, FELLAS, IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE THE BRIDE WITH THE

FEEDING TUBE IN BEFORE THE WEDDING DAY.

(LAUGHTER) ALSO, IT'S HORRIFYING.

(LAUGHTER) BUT, FOLKS, IF YOU ALREADY ARE GETTING A TUBE SHOVED IN, WHY STOP AT THE STOMACH?

THAT'S WHY PRESCOTT PROUD TO INTRODUCE VXODUCT.

29 FEET OF PLASTIC TUBING THAT GOES FROM YOUR MOUTH ALL THE WAY TO YOUR ANUS.

ONCE INSTALLED, JUST SHOVE ANYTHING YOU WANT INTO YOUR FACE AND IT WILL JUST SLIDE THROUGH

YOUR PANTS COMPLETELY INTACT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WITH VAXODUCT, YOU WON'T JUST HIT YOUR GOAL WEIGHT, YOU'LL HIT

YOUR BIRTH WEIGHT.

(LAUGHTER) SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE VAPOR BONES LABIAS CORPUS AND MAO TSE-TUNG.

(LAUGHTER) NEXT UP, REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH.

AS THE FIGHT OVER WOMEN'S BIRTH CONTROL CONTINUES, FINALLY THE'S

A BIRTH CONTROL PROCEDURE THAT WILL ALLOW MEN TO BE SLUTS, TOO.

IT'S CALLED VASIL GEL, IT'S HIGHLY EFFECTIVE AND LASTS FOR OVER TEN YEARS.

THAT'S LONG ENOUGH FOR STING TO HAVE SEX TWICE.

(LAUGHTER) AND THE PROCEDURE ONLY LAST 15 MINUTES.

WHILE THE MAN IS TOTALLY AWAKE,

A DOCTOR MAKES A SMALL HOLE IN THE BASE OF YOUR SCROTUM,

REACHES IN WITH A PAIR OF FORCEPS, PULLS OUT YOUR VASE DEFERENCE, THEN USE THES A

NEEDLE TO INJECT THE POLYMER GEL WHICH COATS THE WALLS OF THE VAS DEFERENCE THAT KILLS ANY SPERM

THAT PASSES THROUGH IT, THEN THEY STITCH YOU UP AND SLAP ON A BAG OF FROZEN PEAS.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S SO EFFECTIVE THAT JUST DESCRIBING THE PROCEDURE MAKES

MOST MEN LOSE INTEREST IN HAVING SEX ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY OF ME JUST NOW.

(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) AND GOOD NEWS.

IT'S COMPLETELY REVERSIBLE, BUT THIS TIME INSTEAD OF INJECTING

YOU WITH A SPERM-MURDERING JELLY THEY INJECT WATER AND BAKING SODA TO FLUSH OUT THE GEL.

OF COURSE YOU WANT TO AVOID CONSUMING ANY VINEGAR FOR 24 HOURS BEFORE THE BAKING SODA

PROCEDURE TO KEEP FROM GETTING VOLCANO WANG.

UNFORTUNATELY, AT THE MOMENT, V GEL IS NOT AVAILABLE IN THE UNITED STATES SO TO PROVIDE

AMERICAN MEN WITH BIRTH CONTROL THAT PAINFULLY INJECTS POISON INTO YOUR TAINT, PRESCOTT IS

PROUD TO INTRODUCE A STYLISH THONG CONTAINING A LIVE SCORPION.

(LAUGHTER) SIMPLY SLIP SCORPOTRICYCLINE ON AND LET IT GET TO WORK ON YOUR JUNK.

PLUS, IT'S COMPLETELY REVERSIBLE IN THAT THE UNDERWEAR IS REVERSIBLE.

THE SCORPION POISON IN YOUR TESTICLES IS PERMANENT.

SIDE EFFECTS OF SCORPOTRICYLIN INCLUDE STRESS FALLS, DEVIATED RECTUM AND ARACHNUTS.

THAT'S IT FOR CHEATING DEATH BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

KEEP ALL BOATS AWAY FROM THE LABORATORIES, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)