November Sweeps Prostacular

  • Aired:  11/14/13
  •  | Views: 80,501

Not to be outdone by the "Today" show, Stephen raises awareness for men's health with the help of a few special guests. (8:53)

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, THIS IS NOSECRET.

WHEN I NEED UP TO THE MINUTENEWS I ALWAYS TURN TO THE

TODAY SHOW.

IT'S THE FIRST THING I WATCHWHEN I WAKE UP AROUND 6:00

P.M..

I TiVO IT.

WELL, FOLKS, 1 WEEK AGOTODAY, TODAY'S AL ROKER AND

MATT LAUER BOLDLY WENT WHERENO NEWS HAS GONE BEFORE.

>> HERE WE ARE 1 WEEK INTONO SHAVE NOVEMBER AND THIS

MORNING WE KICK IT UP ANOTCH BECAUSE THIS WHOLE

THING HAS BEEN ABOUT RAISINGAWARENESS FOR MEN'S HEALTH,

THINGS LIKE PROSTATE KANNER.

AND THIS MORNING, AL, YOUAND I ARE GOING TO GET A

PROSTATE SCREENING LIVE ONTHE AIR.

NO, NO, NO, LISTEN, FOLKS,THEY HAD TO.

MATT LAUER MADE SUCH ACONVINCING "BAYWATCH" BABE

ON HALLOWEEN, THE NETWORKDEMANDED GENDER CONFIRMATION.

LET'S GO TO THE ACTION.

>> THIS IS A DIGITAL RECHTALEXAM.

SO YOU GUY GOES OFF.

>> WE'RE TO THE GOING TOSHOW IT, THE CAMERA WILL

STAY OUT HERE.

>> DID IT HURT.

>> IT DOESN'T HURT AT ALL.

AND IT TOOK 34 SECONDS.

>> YES, 34 SECONDS.

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THEBEST MEDICINE IS THE FASTEST

MEDICINE.

THAT'S WHY YOU RACE FOR THECURE.

AND THIS DOCTOR SAMADI CHIEFUROLOGIST AT LENOX HILL

HOSPITAL IS A PROSTATEPROMPT JUST LOOK AT HIS

BEDSIDE MANNER.

>> WELL, WHAT HE DOESN'TKNOW IS THAT I HAD TO LOSE

FIVE POUNDS IN ORDER TO MAKEMY FINGER A LITTLE SMALLER.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: OH, IT'S

WELL-KNOWN THAT MATT LAUERIS THE BIGGEST TIGHT ASS IF

THE BUSINESS.

WORD IS-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: IT'S WHAT IUNDERSTAND.

IT'S LIKE A CHINESE FINGERTRAP DOWN THERE.

FOLKS, I GOT TO SAY, THE"TODAY SHOW", WELL PLAYED,

GENTLEMEN.

IT IS NO ACCIDENT THAT THEYPULLED THIS GROUND BREAKING

STUNT DURING NOVEMBER SWEEPSBECAUSE THE "TODAY SHOW"

KNOWS WHAT BRINGS IN THEGREAT RATINGS.

MEN IN THEIR 50s BEINGFINGER PUPPETED.

WELL, LITTLE KNOWN FACT,FOLKS, LITTLE KNOWN FACTS, I

ALSO HAVE A PROSTATE.

I JUST DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.

AND IN MY SCREENS I ALWAYSTELL THE DOCTOR FORGET ONE

FINGER, USE THE WHOLE HAND.

THAT WAY I WON'T HAVE TOCOME BACK FOR FIVE YEARS.

CALLED THE FIVE FINGERDISCOUNT.

AND FOLKS, I WILL NOT BE OUTSWEEP SWEPTED BY THE "TODAY

SHOW".

(APPLAUSE)>> THANK YOU.

KNOWN NO ONE HAS EVERAPPLAUDED FOR MY PROSTATE

BEFORE.

THANK YOU.

SO NATION, SCRUB UP, SCRUBIN, STRAP ON AND STRAP IN

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO GET MYOWN PROSTATE CHECK IN

STEPHEN COLBERT'S NOVEMBERSWEEPS PROSTACULAR.

JIMMY, JUICE IT!

>> NOVEMBER SWEEPPROSTACULAR.

>> Stephen: NATION, WELCOMETO THE PROSTACULAR.

GENTLEMEN, BRING OUT THEPRIVACY CURTAIN, LET'S DO IT,

GUYS.

ALL RIGHT.

NATION, ANY NEWSMAN CAN GETSOME OLD DOCTOR TO STICK HIS

DIGITAL UP YOUR ANALOG.

BUT SWEEPS IS ALL ABOUTGUEST STARS.

>> DID SOMEONE SAY GUESTSTARS?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)STARS, JOHN LITHGOW, JOHN, I

GOT TO ASK YOU, JOHN, WHATARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> STEPHEN, I'M HERE TOEXAMINE YOUR PROSTATE.

(LAUGHTER)AS RESEARCH FOR AN ACTING

ROLE.

>> Stephen: OH, WHAT'S THEPLAY?

>> THE GLASS MENAGERIE.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: NOW FOLKS,

THAT'S A GUEST STAR.

>> GUEST STAR, DID SOMEONESAY GUEST STAR?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: HOST OF

TELEVISION'S KATIE,TELEVISION'S KATIE COURIC.

KATIE WHAT ARE YOU DOINGHERE.

>> STEPHEN, I'M HERE TOEXAMINE YOUR PROSTATE.

>> Stephen: BOTH OF YOU?

I THOUGHT-- BUT I NEVERTHOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS BUT

I WISH I HAD TWO PROSTATES.

>> WELL, MAYBE YOU DO.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.

>> Stephen: WELL, I WANT TOTHANK YOU BOTH FOR BEING

HERE TONIGHT.

>> DID SOMEONE SAY GUESTSTAR?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELL, TECTICALLY

NO, BUT DAN PATRICK OF THEGRAMMY AWARD-WINNING ENDIE

ROCK DUO THE BLACK KEES WHATARE YOU DOING HERE.

>> STEPHEN, A SMOOTHPROSTATE THE SIZE OF A

WALNUT THAT'S MUSIC TO OUREARS.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU ALLFOR COMING.

BUT DUE TO THE LIMITEDCAPACITIES OF MY COLON, I

CAN'T FIT YOU ALL IN THEREI'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A

CHOICE.

AND TONIGHT'S HIGHLYDRAMATIC LATEX GLOVE

CEREMONY.

(LAUGHTER)I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU

FOR GOING ON THIS JOURNEYWITH ME.

BUT ONLY ONE WILL BE AWARDEDTHIS LATEX GLOVE WHICH SAY

SYMBOL OF TRUST AND ALSO THEACTUAL GLOVE YOU WILL USE

WHEN YOU CHECK MY BUM FRUITFOR FRESHNESS.

SO MAKE YOUR FINAL PITCH,JOHN LITHGOW.

>> STEPHEN, AS STAR OFHARRIE AND THE HENDERSONS,

I'VE STOOD FACE-TO-FACE WITHA SASQUATCH.

SO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT GOINGON DOWN THERE WON'T FRIGHTEN

ME.

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: KATIE COURIC.

>> WELL, STEPHEN, AS YOUMIGHT RECALL, I MADE TV

HISTORY WHEN HI MY ON-AIRCOLONOSCOPY ON THE "TODAY

SHOW" BACK IN 2000?

WELL, MY EXPERIENCE ANDCOMMITMENTS ARE UNPARALLELED,

PLUS I JUST GOT A MANICURE.

WHICH COMBINES THE WORDS MANAND CURE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S APOWERFUL ARGUMENT.

BLACK KEYS,.

>> STEPHEN, TONIGHT I WANTYOU TO THINK OF US AS THE

BROWN KEYS.

>> Stephen: A TWO MANMEDICAL TEAM I'M THE

FRONTMAN SO I WILL CONDUCTTHE EXAM.

>> AND I WILL PLAY THE DRUMSAND NOT CONDUCT THE EXAM.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALL SOSPECIAL.

ANY MAN WOULD BE LUCKY TOHAVE YOU EXAMINE THEIR

PROSTATE FOR SWELLING LUMPSAND OR SUSPICIOUS TEXTURES.

BUT OF COURSE I HAVE TODESID.

BUT OF COURSE I HAVE TODESID.

-- DECIDE.

>> Stephen: I CHOOSE JOHNLITHGOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> WHAT!

WHAT!

YOU BITCH, HE'S NOT EVENHERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS!

>> Stephen: COME ON, PAT,LET'S GO CHECK JIMMY

FALLON'S PROSTATE.

>> Stephen: JOHN LITHGOW.

(APPLAUSE)JOHN LITHGOW, WILL YOU

ACCEPT THIS GLOVE?

>> IT WOULD BE MY HONOR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: JIMMY, PUT UP

THE TIMER.

DR. LITHGOW, LET HER RIP!

START THE CLOCK.

HOW'S MY PROSTATE BACKTHERE?

>> SPECTACULAR.

SMOOTH AS A FRESHLY PEELEDLYCHEE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT STEPHEN, I DO SEE

SOMETHING STRANGE BACK HERE.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT?

>> KITTENS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)KITTENS!

>> Stephen: STOP THE TIMER.

24 SECONDS, WE WON!

WHOOO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THAT WAS THE BEST PROSTATE

EXAM EVER.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY NEXTEXAM DURING FEBRUARY SWEEPS.

>> IN HAWAII