Stephen Colbert's Bats**t Serious - Child Immigrant Intrigue

  • Aired:  06/25/14
  •  | Views: 22,591

Conservatives warn of a White House conspiracy as thousands of Central American children stream across the U.S. border. (4:57)

I ONLY BRING THIS UP BECAUSE IBELIEVE IN THE AMERICAN DREAM.

WHEN MY GREAT, GREAT GRANDFATHERBRAVED THE ATLANTIC CROSSING, HE

CAME HERE WITH THE HOPE HIS NEWCOUNTRY WOULD NEVER BE RUINED BY

A BUNCH OF FILTHY IMMIGRANTS.

SADLY ONCE AGAIN AMERICA ISAWASH IN UNWASHED MASSES.

THIS TIME THEY'RE POURING ACROSSTHE LONG, SKINNY OCEAN TO OUR

SOUTH, THE RIO GRANDE.

>> IN THE SOUTHWEST, A DEEPENINGCRISIS TONIGHT INVOLVING

THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN FROMCENTRAL AMERICA WHO HAVE BEEN

CROSSING INTO THIS COUNTRYALONE.

>> MANY WERE HOPING TO MEET UPWITH PARENTS AFTER FLEEING

VIOLENCE, POVERTY AND GANGS.

>> PACKED INTO HOLDING CELLS,SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR WITH THESE

THERMAL BLANKETS, THERE'S NOTENOUGH FOOD, NOT ENOUGH BEDS,

NOT ENOUGH BATHROOMS.

>> SO SAD TO SEE THOSE KIDS INTHEIR TINFOIL POUCHES, NOT EVEN

A CLOVE OF GARLIC TO SEASONTHEM.

AND THE NUMBERS, THE NUMBERS,FOLKS, ARE SHOCKING.

SO FAR MORE THAN 47,000 MIGRANTKIDS HAVE ENTERED THE COUNTRY

AND HAVE BEEN CAUGHT SINCEOCTOBER 1st.

TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE.

IF YOU STACK 47,000 KIDSEND-TO-END, YOU COULD PROBABLY

GET A JOB IN THAT HOLDINGFACILITY.

IT'S AN INCREDIBLY, INCREDIBLYTOUGH SITUATION FOR THE

EMPLOYEES.

>> THE CHILDREN ACTUALLYREJECTED THEIR BREAKFAST

BURRITOS BECAUSE THEY WERE MADEOF FLOUR TORTILLAS AND PEOPLE

DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THEYACTUALLY EAT CORN TORTILLAS

>> Stephen: DO YOU EXPECT METO BELIEVE THAT NOT ALL

HISPANICS EAT FLOUR TORTILLAS?

NEXT YOU'LL TELL ME MEXICANSDON'T EAT WAFFLE TACOS.

AND WAIT, WAIT, FOLKS.

WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR WHAT THEYCLAIM IS THE REASON THAT ALL

THIS IS HAPPENING.

>> THEY'RE PRIMARILY FROM THREECENTRAL AMERICAN COUNTRIES,

HONDURAS, GUATEMALA AND ELSALVADOR.

>> THE RUMOR IS OUT ACROSSCENTRAL AMERICA ABOUT THESE

SO-CALLED "PERMISOS," PERMISSIONTO STAY IN THE UNITED STATES.

SOMEBODY SAID THEY ARE GIVINGPERMITS FOR PEOPLE TO STAY HERE.

>> THE RUMOR MILL IN THE CENTRALAMERICAN COUNTRIES IS SAYING

THAT ONCE YOU GET HERE, IFYOU'RE AN UNACCOMPANIED MINOR,

YOU CAN STAY.

>> Stephen: PARENTS ARE JUSTDROPPING KIDS OFF AND THEN

DISAPPEARING?

PLEASE, TEXAS IS NOT THE BALLPIT AT IKEA.

AND I DON'T BUY IT, FOLKS.

I DON'T BUY IT.

AND DON'T YOU BUY IT EITHER.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]SINCE THAT EXPLANATION, HOWEVER

TRAGIC IT MAY BE, THIS LEAVESTOO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS.

AND THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TOUNANSWER THEM THAN I IN STEPHEN

COLBERT'S "BAT [BLEEPED]SERIOUS."

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]FOLKS, LONG-TIME VIEWERS KNOW

THAT IN "BAT [BLEEPED] SERIOUS,"I PEEL BACK THE VEIL TO EXPOSE

HIDDEN TRUTHS THEY DON'T WANTYOU TO KNOW.

FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW THEFLUORIDE THE GOVERNMENT PUTS IN

OUR WATER ISN'T EVEN TO CONTROLOUR MINDS?

IT'S TO STRENGTHEN OUR TEETH.

THAT WAY WE WON'T GET FILLINGSAND THE REBEL UNDERGROUND CAN'T

BROADCAST TRUTH DIRECTLY INTOOUR SKULLS.

[LAUGHTER]NOW, FOLKS, THESE KIDS SAY

THEY'RE COMING HERE TO ESCAPEPOVERTY AND VIOLENCE, BUT MY

CONSERVATIVE COLLEAGUES AND IKNOW THAT THE MORE LIKELY

EXPLANATION IS THE ONE WE LIKEMORE.

JUST FOLLOW TEXAS GOVERNOR RICKPERRY AS HE PUTS HIS HEAD UP HIS

OWN RABBIT HOLE.

THEY EITHER HAVE AN INCREDIBLYINEPT ADMINISTRATION OR THEY'RE

IN ON THIS SOMEHOW OR OTHER.

I HATE TO BE CONSPIRATORIAL, BUTHOW DO YOU MOVE THAT MANY PEOPLE

FROM CENTRAL AMERICA ACROSSMEXICO AND THEN INTO THE UNITED

STATES WITHOUT THEIR BEING AFAIRLY COORDINATED EFFORT.

>> I HATE TO BE CONSPIRATORIAL,TOO

BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

THOUSANDS OF KIDS STREAMING UPFROM CENTRAL AMERICA ACROSS OUR

BORDER.

OBAMA.

IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

OKAY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]NEED MORE PROOF?

I'M OUT.

BUT WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR TUCKERCARLSON?

>> CAN WE BE HONEST AND SAY THATTHERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN OFFICE,

I WOULD EVEN SAY IN THE WHITEHOUSE, WHO LOOK AT IMMIGRANTS

LIKE THIS COMING HERE ILLEGALLYAS POTENTIAL VOTERS, THAT THIS

DOES CHANGE THE ELECTORALBALANCE OF THE COUNTRY AND MAYBE

THEY SEE THIS AS A GOOD THING.

>> Stephen: YES.

OBAMA'S ORGANIZING BUS TRIPSFROM TEGUCIGALPA SO THESE KIDS

CAN GROW UP IN AMERICA ANDBECOME CITIZENS THROUGH SOME

FUTURE SOMEHOW PASSABLEIMMIGRATION BILL, ALL SO THEY

CAN VOTE AND DELIVER OBAMA HISFIFTH TERM IN 2024.

IT COULD HAPPEN.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]WRITE THAT DOWN.

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