Mr. Smith Goes to the State Legislature, Then Later Possibly Washington - Bob Morris & Kyle Jones

  • Aired:  02/28/12
  •  | Views: 5,025

Indiana Representative Bob Morris comes down on Girl Scouts' radical agenda, and New Hampshire Representative Kyle Jones repeals labor lunch break laws. (4:13)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME BARK EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NATION --

NATION, THE RACE FOR THE

REPUBLICAN NOMINATION IS

ENTERING ITS FORTY-THIRD MONTH,

AND MITT ROMNEY STILL HASN'T

LOCKED IT DOWN.

AT THIS POINT, HE MAY HAVE TO

USE HIS BACKUP PLAN FOR FUTURE

MORMONS TO POSTHUMOUSLY BAPTIZE

HIM PRESIDENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

REPUBLICANS HAVE TRIED TO

RECRUIT VARIOUS GOVERNORS.

JEB BUSH WOULDN'T DO IT.

CHRIS CHRISTIE SAID HE WASN'T

READY.

AND MITCH DANIELS DISAPPEARED

WEEKS AGO BETWEEN THE COUCH

CUSHIONS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

4JQjPRESIDENT?

WELL, REMEMBER, JUST TWO YEARS

BEFORE BARACK OBAMA ANNOUNCED

HIS RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY, HE

WAS A STATE SENATOR.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LATEST

INSTALLMENT OF "MR. SMITH GOES

TO THE STATE LEGISLATURE, THEN

LATER, POSSIBLY WASHINGTON."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE LOVE THE STATE

LEGISLATURE.

OUR FIRST RISING STAR COMES FROM

INDIANA.

>> AN INDIANA LAWMAKER IS TAKING

A STAND AGAINST GIRL SCOUTS.

STATE REPRESENTATIVE BOB MORRIS

SAID HE'S AGAINST CELEBRATING

THE GROUP'S 100TH ANNIVERSARY.

>> IN A LETTER THAT HE WROTE TO

HIS FELLOW REPRESENTATIVES HE

SAYS, "THE GIRL SCOUTS ARE A

QUOTE RADICALIZED ORGANIZATION

THAT PROMOTE ABORTION AND

HOMOSEXUALITY."

>> Stephen: YES.

THEY MEET IN A CHURCH BASEMENT

ONCE A WEEK, HOLD BAKE SALES TO

RAISE MONEY FOR FIELD TRIPS, AND

VOLUNTEER THEIR TIME TO HELP THE

ELDERLY.

YOU KNOW, GAY STUFF!

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND BOB MORRIS ISN'T JUST

PULLING THESE ACCUSATIONS OUT OF

HIS TOTALLY STRAIGHT ASS.

IN A LETTER TO HIS FELLOW

LEGISLATORS, HE SAID, QUOTE,

"I DID A SMALL AMOUNT OF

WEB-BASED RESEARCH, AND WHAT I

FOUND IS DISTURBING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YES, AND I DID AN EVEN SMALLER

AMOUNT OF WEB-BASED RESEARCH BY

TYPING GIRL SCOUTS AND LESBIAN

INTO GOOGLE IMAGES AND WHAT I

FOUND WAS DEPRAVED.

I DID NOT KNOW YOU COULD EARN A

MERIT BADGE IN SCISSORING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO REPUBLICANS, I FEEL GOOD

ABOUT THIS GUY-- 'CUZ I ALSO DID

A SMALL AMOUNT OF WEB-BASED

RESEARCH BY TYPING "BOB MORRIS"

INTO GOOGLE.

AND NOT ONLY IS HE A POLITICIAN,

HE'S AN AUSTRALIAN RACECAR

DRIVER, A MYSTERY WRITER FROM

FLORIDA, A FINANCIER OF THE

AMERICAN REVOLUTION AND AN S&M

CONCEPTUAL ARTIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT IF BOB MORRIS DOESN'T WORK

OUT, THERE'S ALWAYS NEW

HAMPSHIRE REPRESENTATIVE

KYLE JONES, WHO IS SUCH A FISCAL

CONSERVATIVE, HE'S AS FRUGAL AS

A 20-YEAR-OLD LIVING WITH HIS

PARENTS -- BECAUSE HE IS A

20-YEAR-OLD LIVING WITH HIS

PARENTS.

BUT NOT JUST ANY PARENTS--

KYLE'S MOM LAURA JONES IS ALSO A

STATE REPRESENTATIVE WHICH MEANS

THEY CAN CARPOOL, ALTHOUGH I

BELIEVE KYLE MAKES HER DROP HIM

OFF A BLOCK FROM THE STATEHOUSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

EMBARRASSING.

JONES HAS A FIRM GRASP OF THE

LAW.

FOR INSTANCE, HE SUPPORTED THE

REPEAL OF A LAW REQUIRING THAT

STATE WORKERS GET A GUARANTEED

30-MINUTE LUNCH BREAK BY

ARGUING, QUOTE, "IF I WAS TO

DENY ONE OF MY EMPLOYEES A

BREAK, I WOULD BE IN A VERY BAD

POSITION WITH THE COMPANY'S

HUMAN RESOURCES REPRESENTATIVE.

IF YOU CONSIDER THAT THIS IS A

VERY EASY LAW TO FOLLOW IN THAT

EVERYONE ALREADY DOES IT, THEN

WHY DO WE NEED IT?"

EXACTLY!

YOU DON'T NEED THE LAWS THAT

EVERYBODY FOLLOWS!

THAT'S WHY WE DON'T NEED LAWS

AGAINST CANNIBALISM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF I EAT A CO-WORKER, I KNOW I'M

GOING TO HEAR FROM HUMAN

RESOURCES.

CATHY WILL MAKE ME WATCH THAT

BORING CORPORATE VIDEO ABOUT NOT

EATING PEOPLE.

EVEN THOUGH IT'S KINDA FUNNY

BECAUSE IT WAS SHOT IN THE 80S

AND THE CORPSE HAS A PERM.

AND THEN I GOTTA SIGN THE STUPID

FORM AGAIN THAT SAYS, "I

UNDERSTAND THAT CANNIBALISM IS

AGAINST COMPANY POLICY."

SO BRAVO REPRESENTATIVE JONES,

FOR TRYING TO GET RID OF

UNNECESSARY LAWS.

SHOULD YOU MAKE IT INTO THE

WHITE HOUSE, PLEASE STREAMLINE

THE CONSTITUTION IT SHOULD READ

"WE THE PEOPLE... GOT IT,

THANKS."

WE

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