Colbert's Very Wanted - Who Took Gumby?

  • Aired:  02/26/14
  •  | Views: 24,157

A serial criminal abducts a seven-foot Gumby statue, shattering the lives of a small-town couple. (7:04)

NOW NATION, DID YOU HEARSOMETHING?

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT CAME FROMOUTSIDE.

IS YOUR FRONT DOOR LOCKED?

I THINK SO ISN'T GOODENOUGH.

IS YOUR FRONT DOOR LOCKED.

NEVER MIND, IT'S COMING FROMINSIDE THE HOUSE NOW.

GET OUT OF THERE!

OKAY.

THAT WAS JUST A DRILL.

NEXT TIME IT WON'T BE.

I'LL BE SENDING SOMEONE.

POINT IS, FOLKS, YOU CANNEVER BE TOO CAREFUL THESE

DAYS.

AMERICA'S CRIME RATE IS SOHIGH IT OUGHT TO BE ILLEGAL.

(LAUGHTER)LUCKILY THERE'S ONE MAN

WORKING TIRELESSLY TO KEEPAMERICA SAFE.

STEPHEN COLBERT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)EVERY DAY I AM ON THE CASE

24/7.

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT THATADDS UP TO BUT IT SOUNDS

LIKE A LOT.

LIKE 40.

I PUNISH CRIMINALS BYOCCASIONALLY TALKING ABOUT

THEM ON TELEVISION.

TONIGHT, FOLKS, I DO ITAGAIN.

THIS IS COLBERT'S VERYWANTED.

>> IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OFCOLBERT'S VERY WANTED.

>> IT WAS JUST SO SHOCKING.

>> A SMALL TOWN REELING FROMA HEINOUS CRIME.

>> WHO WOULD DO SUCH ATHING.

>> WHOEVER DID THIS COULDCERTAINLY DO IT AGAIN AND

AGAIN AND AGAIN.

>> IS THERE A SERIALCRIMINAL ON THE LOOSE?

THIS IS COLBERT'S VERYWANTED.

(APPLAUSE)>> SOCRATESE NEW YORK, A

TYPICAL SMALL TOWN.

MAYBE EVEN LIKE YOUR TOWN.

IT'S HOME FOR THIS COUPLE.

>> I'M BOB.

>> I'M BABS.

>> THEIR PEACEFUL LIVES WERESHATTERED BY A SENSELESS

CRIME THAT TOOK PLACE JUSTWEEKS AGO.

>> IT WAS A SATURDAY NIGHT.

MY TWO DAUGHTERS WEREVISITING FROM LONG ISLAND.

AND WE HAD A PARTY, THEWHOLE FAMILY.

>> A PARTY THAT WOULD END INHORROR.

>> AND THEN THE TWO OF US,BABS AND I WENT UPSTAIRS TO

GO TO SLEEP.

>> A SLEEP VIOLENTLYINTERRUPTED AT 2 A.M..

>> WE HEARD A DOG BARKING.

>> BUT THE DOG BARKS AND WEDON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO

IT.

>> SO THEY KEPT SLEEPING.

>> A DECISION THAT WOULDCOME TO HAUNT THEIR DREAMS.

>> I DO BLAME MYSELF.

I BLAME MYSELF.

>> IN THE MORNING BOB GOTUP.

>> AND I OPENED THE DOOR ANDI WAS SHOCKED, GUMBY'S GONE.

>> POLICE ARE LOOKING FOR ABRAZEN THIEF WHO BROKE A 7

FOOT SCULPTURE OFF ITSFOUNDATION.

THE REPORT IS THE OWNERS AREASKING FOR GUMBY TO COME

HOME.

>> THE POLICE DON'T HAVEMUCH TO GO ON.

THEY HAVE THIS LEFTOVERPLEASE OF GREEN STYROFOAM

FROM THE STATUE AND THEYKNOW IT LOOKS LIKE THIS.

>> OH MY GOD.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

>> A PIECE OF OUR SOUL ISGONE, A PIECE OF ME IS GONE.

THIS LITTLE PIECE OF GUMBYIS ALL I CAN SEE THAT'S LEFT

OF GUMBY.

>> SO WHAT HAPPENED TOGUMBY.

>> THE POLICE HAVE NO LEADS.

THEY TOLD ME THE OTHER DAYTHAT THEY HAD NO LEADS.

>> WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING,SUCH A THING.

TO TELL US WE TURNED TOFORENSIC PSYCHOLOGIST

DR. LEWIS SCHLESSINGER.

>> IN MY JUDGEMENT, THIS WASA THOUGHT OUT PLANNED AND

PREMEDITATED KIDNAPPING.

WHEN YOU HAVE AN ABDUCTIONLIKE THAT, IT USUALLY

DOESN'T TURN OUT WELL.

>> IS THERE A SERIAL GUMBYABDUCTER ON THE

LOOSE?

>> I WOULD NOT SAY THATTHERE IS A SERIAL GUMBY

ABDUCTOR ON THE LOOSE.

>> THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAINTHESE CRIMES.

IN COLORADO THIS BLOWUPGUMBY WAS KIDNAPPED FROM THE

LAWN.

AND THEN IN DELAWARE, THEBACK DOOR TO NEW YORK.

>> A SCHOOL YARD FULL OF THESEBEAUTIFUL STEEL SCULPTURES

BUT TONIGHT HE JUST WANTS TOKNOW ONE THING, WHO TOOK

GUMBY?

>> I STILL DON'T KNOW WHOTOOK GUMBY.

>> PHIL FINISHER'S GUMBY WASABDUCTED RIGHT OFF HIS POLE.

>> I'M A RETIRED PIPELINEWELDER.

AND I AM A RECOVERINGALCOHOLIC, 22 YEARS.

AND I NEEDED SOMETHING TO DOWITH MY TIME.

>> SO HE MADE GUMBY BY HAND.

AND NOW GUMBY'S GONE.

>> GUMBY'S GONE BUT I'M NOTGOING TO GO BACK TO DRINKING.

>> NO ONE IS SUGGESTING THAT,PHIL.

>> I HAVEN'T HAD A DROP OFALCOHOL SINCE SEPTEMBER 6th,

1991.

NOT A DROP.

>> LET'S STAY FOCUSED ONGUMBY.

>> THAT'S THE GOD'S HONEST --STRIKE ME DEAD RIGHT HERE IF

I'M LYING.

>> THERE ARE TWO TAKEAWAYSHERE.

THERE IS A GUMBY ABDUCTOR ONTHE LOOSE, AND PHIL ISN'T

DRINKING ANY MORE.

>> TO CATCH THIS CRIMINAL,WE TURNED TO FORENSIC

SCIENTIST LAWRENCEKOBILINSKY

HE SPELLED IT OUT FOR US.

>> LAWRANCE KOBILINSKY FOLLOWEDWITH A Ph.D.

>> .

THE DOCTOR HAD THISSCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS OF THE

CRIME SCENE.

>> HAVING SEEN THE CRIME SCENEAND DIAGRAMS OF

THE LOCATION IT'S CLEAR ACRIME HAS BEEN COMMITTED.

>> HE WAS ABLE TO TELL USWHAT HE LEARNED FROM JUST

THIS REMAINING PIECE.

>> IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THEVAST MAJORITY OF GUMBY IS

GONE.

>> BUT THERE WERE ENOUGHREMAINS FOR A FORENSIC

ANTHROPOLOGIST TO MAKE THISDISTURBINGLY ACCURATE

RECONSTRUCTION.

SO IS THERE ANYTHING ELSEYOU CAN TELL US.

>> IT'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN DONEBY A VIOLENT CRIMINAL WHO

WANTED GUMBY AT ALL COSTS,PROBABLY CAME IN THE

DARKNESS OF NIGHT, GRABBEDHIM, SPED AWAY WITH HIM IN A

VEHICLE, AND THE REST IS GOING TO BE UP TO

SCIENCE TO SOLVE WHO DIDIT.

>> AND SCIENCE IS HISSPECIALTY.

SO DOCTOR, WHO COMMITTEDTHIS CRIME?

>> WE REALLY DON'T KNOW WHOCOMMITTED THIS CRIME.

(LAUGHTER)>> WHICH LEAVES BOB AND BABS

ALONE WITH THEIR FEARS.

>> THERE ARE PERVERTS WHOLOVE SEX WITH CARTOON

CHARACTERS.

SO THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THEREASON FOR STEALING.

THE CARTOON CHARACTERS DON'TREALLY TALK BACK TO THEM

WHILE THEY'RE HAVING SEX.

THEY, THEY ENDURE IT.

>> WHILE GUMBY ENDURES, THEMESSAGE IS SIMPLE.

>> PROTECT YOUR GUMBY.

>> BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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