Auction for Bill O'Reilly's Stolen Microwave

  • Aired:  02/20/14
  •  | Views: 106,549

Bill O'Reilly accuses Stephen of mocking his charity auction, and members of the Colbert Nation bid on Papa Bear's microwave. (5:06)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SOMUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I JUST CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOUWHAT THAT MEANS TONIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE GOTTO THANK YOU FOR THAT OUTPOURING

OF AFFECTION.

YOU KNOW I AM NOTHING WITHOUTYOUR SUPPORT.

BUT I NEED IT NOW MORE THAN EVERBECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A HUGE

MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN ME ANDMY BROADCAST LIFE PARTNER BILL

O'REILLY.

( LAUGHTER )LAST WEEK I TOLD YOU PAPA BEAR

IS AUCTIONING OFF THE NOTES FROMHIS HISTORIC SUPER BOWL

INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT OBAMAFOR THE VETERANS CHARITY FISHER

HOUSE.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE INTERVIEWNOTES.

NO OTHER FOX NEWS HOST DOES THATKIND OF PREP WORK.

SEAN HANNITY USES THE SAME NOTESFOR EVERY SHOW, HANITTY SMASH.

AND IT IS NO SECRET I IDOLIZEBILL SO I WAS INSPIRED TO

AUCTION OFF MY OWN PIECE OFO'REILLY-BILLIA.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT HERE ISTHE ACTUAL MICROWAVE OVEN I

STOLE FROM BILL O'REILLY'SGREEN ROOM, OKAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

ALL PROCEEDS OF THE MICROWAVEGO TO BENEFIT THE YELLOW RIBBON

FUND THAT HELPS SERVICE MEMBERSAND THEIR FAMILIES AND IT'S

FITTING, FOLKS.

THIS MICROWAVE IS JUST LIKE BILLO'REILLY-- IT'S A LITTLE OLD, A

LITTLE SQUARE, AND DOES NOT CAREWHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NOW, SADLY, SADLY-- NOW, SADLY,BILL DID NOT SEE THIS AS AN

HOMAGE, BECAUSE RECENTLY PAPABEAR TOOK A SWIPE AT ME.

>> COLBERT, FRESH FROM HIS VISITTO THE WHITE HOUSE TO HONOR THE

FRENCH PRESIDENT IS MOCKING MYCHARITABLE EFFORTS TO THE FISHER

HOUSE.

DUBIOUS?

MIGHT BE.

TIP OF THE DAY, FISHER HOUSE ISA WORTHY CHARITY AND COLBERT

IS-- NOT GOING TO SAY IT.

>> Stephen: GREATHUMANITARIAN?

STUD MUFFIN?

THE WIND BENEATH YOUR WINGS?

STOP ME WHEN I GET IT RIGHT.

BUT BILL, IF YOU'RE WATCHING,YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT YOU REALLY

HURT ME.

AND IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING, THATHURTS ME EVEN MORE.

I WASN'T MOCKING YOU.

I WAS CELEBRATING YOU.

JUST TAKING SOME OF THE WEIGHTOFF YOUR SHOULDERS.

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BEYOU TALKING ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU

ARE?

FURTHERMORE, I WAS PROMOTINGYOUR AUCTION. AND, APPARENTLY,

IT WORKED BECAUSE AFTER IMENTIONED IT, THE BIDS FOR

BILL'S INTERVIEW NOTESSKYROCKETED TO $999,999,999, AND

THEN DROPPED DOWN TO $30.

APPARENTLY, BILL MADE THE ROOKIEMUSTAKE OF NOT GETTING VERIFIED

BIDS.

GOTTA DO IT, BILL.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW THAT"THEBONERANGER" MIGHT NOT BE A

SERIOUS BIDDER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )BILL, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

MEANWHILE, THE BIDDING ON MYMICROWAVE SHOT UP TO $98,000,

BEFORE DROPPING BACK TO $3,100.

SEE, WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT THE$98,000 WAS NOT A VERIFIED BID.

HEY, HONEST MISTAKE.

COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

BUT IT'S WORTH THAT MUCH.

A LOT OF HISTORY IN THISAPPLIANCE.

I USED IT TO MELT AN AL FRANKENACTION FIGURE, STERILIZE MY

BOXER SHORTS, AND BOMBARDSTYROFOAM CUPS WITH ENOUGH

RADIATION TO SPAWN A GIANTMUTANT CUP, WHICH I KEPT AT BAY

WITH A MASSIVE PACKET OFARTIFICIAL SWEETENER.

THAT'S JUST WHAT WE DO AT THEREPORT.

HARD NEWS.

SO GO TO COLBERT NATION AND BIDON THE MICROWAVE.

AUCTION ENDS THIS SATURDAY.

AGAIN, ALL PROCEEDS GOING TO THEYELLOW RIBBON FUND.

YOU COULD BE THE OWNER OF THISMICROWAVE SIGNED BY ME AND BILL

O'REILLY.

PLEASE, BILL, SIGN MY MICROWAVE.

( LAUGHTER )OTHERWISE, YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK

LIKE A REAL--NOT GOING TO SAY IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

DREAM WEAVER.

Loading...