Cheating Death - Sensor-Enabled Pills & Facelift Bungee Cords

  • Aired:  08/08/12
  •  | Views: 23,519

A digital pill alerts family members when it reaches grandma's digestive tract, and Facelift Bungee is the only beauty aid that can secure luggage to the car roof. (7:32)

FOLKS, SPEAKING OF HEALTH CARE,

IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO GET A YEARLY PHYSICAL.

THAT'S WHY LAST WEEK I GOT 10 OF THEM.

NOW, I'M GOOD FOR A DECADE.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.

NOW, QUICK DISCLAIMER-- I AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

I AM A DOCTOR OF FINE ARTS,

WHICH IS WHY I ASKED MY PATIENTS TO GET NUDE AND THEN DESCEND A STAIRCASE.

( LAUGHTER ) AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT, WE'LL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE, AND SOMETIMES YOUR SPINE.

FIRST UP, PILLS.

NOW, WE ALL-- THANK YOU.

WE ALL KNOW IT CAN BE A CHALLENGE TO CARE FOR THE ELDERLY, THE INSANE, AND THE INSANELY ELDERLY.

IT'S HARD TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY ARE TAKING THEIR MEDS.

THANKFULLY, THE F.D.A. HAS APPROVED A NEW DIGITAL DEVICE THAT'S INSERTED INTO A PILL TO

SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.

FOR MORE, WE TURN TO THE MOST OBJECTIVE NEWS SOURCE, A PROMOTIONAL VIDEO MADE BY THE MANUFACTURER.

( LAUGHTER ) JIM.

>> OUR SYSTEM STARTS WITH A TINY SENSOR THAT GOES IN YOUR MEDICINE.

REMEMBER HOW A POTATO BATTERY WORKS?

A FEW METALS AND A WET POTATO CAN POWER A LITE BULB.

THE SENSOR WORKS THE SAME WAY.

TWO METALS GENERATE POWER WHEN THEY GET WET IN YOUR STOMACH.

SO IT'S LITERALLY POWERED BY YOU.

THE PATCH, WHICH YOU WEAR ON YOUR SKIN, KNOWS WHEN YOU'VE INGESTED YOUR SENSOR-ENABLED

MEDICINE, AND ALSO CAPTURES YOUR ACTIVITY AND REST PATTERNS.

THEN IT RELAYS THAT INFORMATION TO YOUR PHONE, WHERE OUR APPLICATION CONNECTS YOU TO YOUR

SUPPORT NETWORK.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THE PILL SENDS OUT A MESSAGE ONCE IT HAS TRAVELED INTO GRANDMA'S DIGESTIVE TRACK, WHICH

IS ALSO THE PLOT OF THE MOST DISTURBING MAGIC SCHOOL BUS EVER.

( APPLAUSE ) NOW, ACCORDING TO THE PILL'S

MANUFACTURER, PROCEEDUOUS DIGITAL HEALTH, THE SENSOR CAN HELP PATIENTS SUFFERING FROM

DISEASES OF THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM, INCLUDING SCHIZOPHRENIA,

BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE REASSURING TO A SCHIZOPHRENIC THAN A CORPORATION INSERTING

SENSORS INTO YOUR BODY AND BEAM INFORMATION TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, UNFORTUNATELY, EMBEDDING A SENSOR IN EVERY PILL IS EXPENSIVE.

THAT'S WHY PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS HAS PARTNERED WITH PRESCOTT

APARTMENTELECTICALS, CLIEWSING,

UNIVAXOR.

INSIDE THIS BOX IS A DIGITAL ALERT SYSTEM MADE FROM CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGY WE FOUND IN AN

ABANDONED RADIO SHACK.

NOW, IT COULDN'T BE SIMPLER.

YOU JUST SWALLOW THE TABLET,

WHICH IS A TABLET.

THEN ACTIVATE BLUE TOOTH TO YOUR DESKTOP BY PERFORMING A HARD RESTART, HOLDING DOWN YOUR NAVAL

AND LEFT NIPPLE UNTIL YOU TASTE THE RED LIGHT.

AND IT'S ALL POWERED BY EATING A BOX OF BAKING SODA AND CHUGGING A BOTTLE OF VINEGAR.

THE RESULTING VOLCANO SENDS A SIGNAL TO AN ORBITING SATELLITE WHICH RELAYS YOUR MEDICAL

CONDITION TO EVERYONE ON THE DISH NETWORK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDES HEPATITIS C-PLUS-PLUS.

THE LODE RUNS, AND SCUZZY PORT.

NEXT UP, COSMETIC SURGERY.

NATION, AMERICANS WILL DO ANYTHING TO LOOK YOUNG, FROM BOTOX TO NECK LIFTS TO DRINKING

THE TEARS OF A VIRGIN-- WHICH REMINDS ME, AFTER THE SHOW,

WATCH "STEEL MAGNOLIAS" WITH JAY, THE INTERN.

( LAUGHTER ) AND NOW, THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS ABOUT LOOKING GOOD FROM THE GOOD

PEOPLE AT "GOOD MORNING AMERICA." GOOD.

( LAUGHTER )

>> THIS LITTLE DEVICE IS A FACE LIFT IN A JAR MADE FROM TWO CONES AND A BUNGEE CORD.

FIRST, MAKE TWO SMALL BRAIDS AT EACH TEMPLE.

NEXT, FASTEN THE FIRST COMB TO ONE BRAID.

THEN BRING THE BUNGEE CORD AROUND AND FASTEN THE OTHER TO THE SECOND BRAID, AND VIOLA.

10 YEARS OFF YOUR FACE.

>> Stephen: YES, A FACELIFT BUNGEE, THE ONLY BEAUTY AID YOU CAN USE TO SECURE LUGGAGE TO THE

ROOF OF YOUR CAR.

WITH THIS ONE REPORT, ABC NEWS HAS SET A NEW STANDARD IN SDVER-JOURNALISM.

THEY GIVE BOTH SIDES TO THE STORY BEFORE AND AFTER.

JIM.

>> LOOK AT THIS WOMAN BEFORE,

AND NOW USING THE DEVICE.

THE ONLY SIDE EFFECT MELISSA WEXLER SEES IS LOOKING 10 YEARS YOUNGER.

HERE'S MELISSA BEFORE, AND HERE SHE IS USING THE BUNGEE.

>> IT REALLY, HONESTLY, MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE.

>> HIEWDGES DIFFERENCE.

>> Stephen: WOW!

THEY COULD BE SISTERS.

JUST TRY THE FACELIFT BUNGEE,

AND IN NO TIERNLG YOU'LL ERASE THOSE WORRY LINES YOU GOT FROM WONDERING, DID YOU SPEND 25

BUCKS ON A BRA STRAP TIED TO TWO PLASTIC FORKS?

OF COURSE, $25 MIGHT BE OUT OF THE REACH OF SOMEONE.

SO WHY NOT SPEND A MERE $24 ON PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS NEW VAX-A-STRAP.

A PRESCRIPTION STRENGTH ADHESIVE CELLULOID RIBBON, UNDETECTABLE AT A RANGE OF 50 METERS OR MORE.

AND IT COULD NOT BE EASIER TO USE.

OKAY.

ALL YOU DO IS PUT IT IN...

AND...

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) VIOLA.

( CHEERS ) WHAT'S THAT?

WHY, YES, I DO HAVE AN I.D.

( LAUGHTER ) I CAN BREATHE EASILY, TOO.

IT REALLY OPPOSE UP THE NASAL PASSAGES.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VAX-A-SPRAP MAY INCLUDE TOMBORS, THREEMOARES.

PROSCOT PHARMACEUTICAL,

PRESCOTT, IF YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF US, WE MAY HAVE CAUSED YOUR MEMORY LOSS.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.

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