Rollie Eggmaster

  • Aired:  04/16/13
  •  | Views: 50,889

One product provides an answer to the question, "How can I make my breakfast fit more snugly into my colon?" (4:49)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Colbert: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME BACK.

NATION, I'LL TELL YOU, FOLKS,

I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, I AM NO

GOOD WHEN IT COMES TO COOKING.

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TRY

TO MAKE THE PERFECT SOUFFLE,

ROSITA JUST SEEMS TO GET IT

WRONG.

MAYBE I'M NOT YELLING LOUD

ENOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THE THING THAT GIVES ME THE

MOST TROUBLE IN THE KITCHEN IS

COOKING EGGS.

I MEAN, ONCE YOU CRACK THEM

OPEN, HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO

REMEMBER WHICH PART WAS THE

INSIDE AND WHICH PART WAS THE

OUTSIDE?

LABELS, PLEASE.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO EXCITED TO

SEE THAT THERE IS FINALLY A

PRODUCT ON THE MARKET THAT MAKES

COOKING EGGS POSSIBLE.

>> MAKING EGGS MAKE A MESS.

THEY STICK TO THE PAN.

THEY FLOP WHEN YOU FLIP.

AND THEY ALWAYS DRIP.

AND AFTER YOU COOK THEM UP

THERE'S ALL THAT CLEAN UP.

WHAT YOU NEED IS THE ROLLIE EGG

MASTER, THE FAST, EASY,

PAN-FREEWAY TO MAKE PERFECT EGGS

EVERY TIME.

>> Colbert: YES, THE ROLLIE EGG

MASTER.

FOLKS, THIS IS WHAT WE'VE BEEN

WAITING FOR.

AN ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, HOW

CAN I MAKE MY BREAKFAST FIT MORE

SLUGLY INTO MY COLON?

AND THE ROLLIE EGG MASTER IS SO

SIMPLE TO USE.

JUST CRACK AND POUR IN THE EGGS.

AND BEFORE YOU CAN SAY "ISN'T

COOKING EGGS SO EASY YOU CAN

ACTUALLY DO IT ON A SIDEWALK?"

PRESTO, THEY'RE DONE.

THEN JUST SIT BACK AND WATCH AS

YOUR EGGS ARE SLOWLY EXTRUDED

TOWARDS YOU LIKE AN ANGRY TUBE

WORM EMERGING FROM ITS HOST.

AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO AN

INCREDIBLE INNOVATION IN FOOD

PREP.

>> THE SECRET IS VERTICAL

COOKING TECHNOLOGY THAT COMBINES

A CYLINDRICAL NONSTICK COOKING

SURFACE SURROUNDED BY A

REVOLUTIONARY HEATING ELEMENT.

>> Colbert: YES, VERTICAL

COOKING TECHNOLOGY WHICH BEAT

OUT ITS ORIGINAL NAME

UP-POOPING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN THE BEST

PART ABOUT THIS YOLK-CELLENT

PRODUCT.

>> AND WHAT MAKES ROLLIE EGG

REALLY GREAT IS THEIR NEW

EASY-TO-EAT SHAPE

>> Colbert: FINALLY AN EGG SHAPE

THAT'S EASY TO CONSUME.

THE OLD EGG SHAPES WERE SO

CONFUSING.

CIRCLES, ELLIPSOIDS.

MOIST LUMPS.

WHAT DO THEY THINK MY MOUTH IS

MADE OF?

TEETH?

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

GREG.

YOU'RE SAYING A GELATINOUS EGG

CYLINDER IS GREAT FOR BREAKFAST

BUT WHAT IF I WANT TO ENJOY A

TUBE OF EGGS ON THE GO?

THE ROLLIE EGG MASTER HAS AN

ANSWER FOR THAT TOO

>> BECAUSE OF THEIR ROUND SHAPE

YOU CAN TAKE THEM FOR A QUICK

MEAL ON THE RUN.

IT'S PERFECT FOR THE OFFICE

>> Colbert: I KNOW WHEN I'M

WORKING LONG HOURS AND I WANT TO

TAKE A BREAK THERE'S NOTHING

MORE REFRESHING THAN A HOT EGG

ROD.

REALLY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THERE'S REASONABLE ONE PROBLEM I

HAVE WITH THE EGG MASTER.

EVEN WITH A PRODUCT AS WONDEROUS

AS THE EGG MASTER I'M AFRAID I'M

NOT GETTING EGGS AS FRESH AS

THEY COULD BE.

THAT'S WHY IN CONJUNCTION WITH

THE GOOD PEOPLE AT PRESCOTT

APPLIANCES, I AM PROUD TO

INTRODUCE THE ROLLIE RHODE

ISLAND RED, MMMM...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THE FIRST GENETICALLY MODIFIED

CHICKEN THAT CAN DELIVER HOT,

READY-TO-EAT EGGS RIGHT TO YOUR

MOUTH.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

YOU SIMPLY FEED THE ROL ERODE

ISLAND RED WHATEVER YOU LIKE IN

YOUR OMLETTE -- PEPPERS, HAM,

CHEESE -- OKAY.

GIVE HIM A GOOD SHAKE, OKAY.

AND THEN YOU'VE GOT TO... HOLD

ON THERE, ROLLIE.

THEN YOU JUST PLUG HIM IN.

PLUG HIM IN LIKE THAT.

GET THAT PLUGGED IN RIGHT THERE.

AND THEN MMM, MMMM, MMMM, TURN

IT OVER AND LEAVE THE REST TO

OUR PATENTED OVIDUCT COOKING

TECHNOLOGY.

MMMMMM.

(CHICKEN CLUCKING) MMMM.

MMMM.

MMMM.

OH, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, FOLKS.

THERE IS NOTHING LIKE BREAKFAST

STRAIGHT FROM THE EGG HOLE.

AND, OH, REST UP, ROLLIE, I'M

HOSTING A BRUNCH THIS SUNDAY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT

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