Tip/Wag - Barack Obama's Omission, Mitt Romney's Ad & Lululemon's Tagline

  • Aired:  11/28/11
  •  | Views: 56,478

Barack Obama forgets that Jesus was at the first Thanksgiving, Mitt Romney takes Obama's words out of context, and Lululemon endorses Objectivism. (5:44)

>> Stephen: NATION, I DON'T

JUST PASS JUDGEMENT, I LEAN

ON THE HORN AND FLIP IT THE

BIRD.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG

OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FIRST UP, FOLKS, THIS YEAR

THANKSGIVING WAS RUINED.

AND THIS TIME IT WASN'T

BECAUSE OF THAT HORRIBLE

THING YOUR GRANDMOTHER SAID

IN FRONT OF YOUR KOREAN

GIRLFRIEND.

NO, THIS YEAR THANKSGIVING

WAS RUINED BECAUSE IN HIS

THANKSGIVING DAY INTERNET

ADDRESS BARACK OBAMA DID NOT

THANK GOD.

COME ON!

IT IS THANKSGIVING, WITHOUT

DOES HE THINKS WE'RE

THANKSING OTHER THAN

DR. HEIMLICH.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I'M

GIVING A WAG OF MY GRAVY

STAINED FINGER TO PRESIDENT

OBAMA.

SIR, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE

FIRST THAX GIVING WHEN THE

PILGRIMS AND THE INDIANS AND

THE JESUS SAT DOWN TOGETHER

AND THE LORD DID TURN THE

MAIZE INTO CORN AND LO HE

GAVETTE THE INDIAN SMALLPOX

FOR NOT BELIEVING IN HIM.

AND SO I AM CALL ON THE

PRESIDENT TO RECOGNIZE

THANKSGIVING AS A RELIGIOUS

HOLIDAY.

COMMEMORATING THE MIRACLE OF

WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE

COUCH FOR YET ANOTHER SLICE

OF PIE.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THIS

YEAR THE THING I'M MOST

THANKFUL FOR IS MITT ROMNEY,

WHO GETS A TELEPHONE OF MY

HAT FOR HIS NEW AD WHICH

NAILS BARACK OBAMA USING

OBAMA'S OWN WORDS.

>> I AM CONFI DIDN'T THAT WE

CAN STEER OURSELVES OUT OF

THIS --

>> WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE

ECONOMY.

>> WE NEED A RESCUE PLAN FOR

THE MIDDLE CLASS.

WE NEED PROVIDE RELIEF FOR

HOMEOWNERS.

>> IF ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE

A NEW DIRECTION.

>> IF WE KEEP TALKING ABOUT

THE ECONOMY, WE'RE GOING TO

LOSE, LOSE, LOSE.

>> Stephen: BUSTED.

IF HE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT

THE ECONOMY, OBAMA'S GOING

TO LOSE.

OF COURSE, THE DEMOCRATS ARE

CLAIMING THAT OBAMA IS NOT

TALK ABOUT THE ECONOMY QUOTE

FROM 2080 WAS TAKEN OUT OF

CONTEXT IN THE TECHNICALITY

THAT IT WAS.

HERE'S THE ORIGINAL.

>> SENATOR McCAIN'S CAMPAIGN

ACTUALLY SAID, AND I QUOTE,

IF WE KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE

ECONOMY, WE'RE GOING TO LOSE.

>> Stephen: NOW SURE, HOLD

ON, HOLD ON, THAT MAY LOOK

LIKE AN UNFAIR EDIT BY

ROMNEY BUT LATER, I WILL

EDIT THIS SO THAT IT

DOESN'T.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: AND FOLKS, I AM

HAPPY TO SAY THAT THE AUTHOR

OF NO APOLOGY, MITT ROMNEY,

IS NOT GOING TO APOLOGY.

HE EXPLAINED THIS OUT OF

CONTEXT EDIT IN ONE SENTENCE.

>> WHAT'S SAUCE FOR THE

GOOSE IS NOW SAUCE FOR THE

GANDER.

>> Stephen: YES, SAUCE FOR

THE GOOSE IS NOW SAUCE FOR

THE GANDER.

AND IT DOES NOT MATTER IF

THE GANDER THAT THE GOOSE IS

TALKING ABOUT WAS QUOTING AN

OLD DUCK.

THE POINT IS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: COULD HAVE HAD

HIM.

THE POINT IS THOSE WORDS

CAME OUT OF OBAMA'S FACE.

NOW THEY'RE HIS WORDS.

I MEAN JUST LIKE SOME OF MY

MOST FAMOUS QUOTES ASK NOT

WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR

YOU, ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR

YOUR COUNTRY, NOW MINE.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THY

SELF, I OWN IT.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY

FOR THIS JELLY, MY BODY'S

TOO BOOTYLICIOUS FOR YOU

BABE.

I OWN ALL THOSE WORDS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, I OWN

THOSE WORDS NOW JUST AS

SURELY AS I OWN ALL THE

WORDS IN MY NEW AUDIO BOOK

NO APOLOGY BY STEPHEN

COLBERT.

BY THE WAY, WHAT WAS

ROYALTIES FOR THE GOOSE ARE

NOW GOING TO BE ROYALTIES

FOR THE GANDER.

AND FINALLY, FOLKS, YOU KNOW

I HAVE NEVER BEEN A FAN OF

YOGA.

IF I WANTED TO SPEND ALL DAY

ON THE GROUND SWEATING IN A

CONTORTED POSITION, I WOULD

EAT ANOTHER GAS STATION HOT

DOG.

BUT WORSE, FOLKS, WORSE,

YOGA HAS ALWAYS BEEN ITS

EXERCISE CHOICE FOR

LIBERALS.

BUT TONIGHT I'M LEAP TO SAY

THERE IS ONE CONSERVATIVE

YOGIC MIND OUT THERE I CAN

GET BEHIND.

THAT IS WHY I'M GIVING A BIG

TIP OF MY HAT TO YOGA

CLOTHING STORE LULU LEMON

WHICH IS NOW OFFERING

SHOPPING BAGS WITH THE QUOTE,

WHO IS JOHN GALT, A

CATCH-PHRASE FROM THE AYN

RAND NOVEL ATLAS SHRUG WHICH

CELEBRATES THE PURSUIT OF

RATIONAL SELF-INTEREST, FREE

MARKET DOMINATION AND STANCH

OPPOSITION TO BIG GOVERNMENT

MISGUIDED DESIRE TO AID THE

HOPELESSLY PARASITIC MASSES,

YOU KNOW, YOGA.

AND-- TYING YOGA WITH

RATIONAL EGOISM MAKES

PERFECT SENSE.

I MEAN WHO CAN FORGET AYN

RAND'S BEST SELLING WORKOUT

VIDEO, SWEATING AWAY THE

EMPATHY.

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, WITH LULU-LEMON'S

ENDORSEMENT IT WON'T BE LONG

UNTIL AYN RAND'S PHILOSOPHY

MAKES ITS WAY INTO YOGA

CLASSES ACROSS THE COUNTRY

AND WE START SEEING NEW

POSES LIKE LOOKING DOWNWARD

ON OTHERS DOGS, GOVERNMENT

DEREGULATING COBRA, AND BEND

OVER AND TAKE IT FROM THE

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