FEMA's Waffle House Index

  • Aired:  09/15/11
  •  | Views: 28,794

Waffle House becomes FEMA's syrup-smothered canary in a coalmine, which is also available on their menu. (3:53)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, THE NATIONAL OCEANIC AND

ATMOSPHERIC ADMINISTRATION

RECENTLY CONFIRMED THIS HAS BEEN

THE WORST YEAR FOR DISASTERS IN

U.S. HISTORY.

FROM THE TORNADOES IN MISSOURI

TO THE HURRICANE IRENE, TO NEWT

GINGRICH'S PRESIDENTIAL

CAMPAIGN-- LUCKILY HIS STAFF

EVACUATED MONTHS AGO

( LAUGHTER )

SO IT HAS BEEN A BIT OF A BUSY

YEAR FOR FEMA.

NOW, FOLKS, YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER

BEEN A FAN OF FEDERAL EMERGENCY

MANAGEMENT.

WHO IS THE GOVERNMENT TO TELL ME

MY HOUSE HAS BECOME

UNINHABITABLE.

THE RACCOONS HAVE SETTLED IN

JUST FINE

( LAUGHTER )

BUT FEMA HAS FINALLY DONE

SOMETHING RIGHT.

JIM.

>> TIME FEMA REVEALED THEY

PARTIALLY GAUGE THE SEVERITY OF

A DISASTER BASED ON THE

CONDITION OF WAFFLE HOUSE

RESTAURANT.

THE AGENCY USES THE WAFFLE HOUSE

INDEX.

THE CHAIN PRIDES ITSELF ON

OPERATING DURING SEVERE NATURAL

DISASTERS.

FEMA SAYS IF A WAFFLE HOUSE

LOCATION IS CLOSED THEY KNOW THE

AREA NEEDS AID.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: YES, THE WAFFLE

HOUSE INDEX.

BECAUSE IN AMERICA, IT IS ONLY A

DISASTER ONCE IT DISRUPTS OUR

SUPPLY OF CHICKEN-FRIED MEATS

( LAUGHTER )

NOW, FEMA RANKS AN AREA'S

POST-DISASTER CONDITION BASED ON

A THREE-COLOR SCALE.

GREEN MEANS THE WAFFLE HOUSE IS

OPEN AND SERVING A FULL MENU,

OKAY, LIKE THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

OKAY?

THE WAFFLE HOUSE BEING ABLE TO

SERVE THEIR FULL MENU IS A SIGN

THAT DAMAGE IN THE AREA IS

LIMITED, AND THAT LIPITOR IS

PREVENT WILL-- PLENTIFUL.

YELLOW MEANS THE WAFFLE HOUSE IS

OFFERING ONLY A LIMITED MENU, OR

THIS, THEIR PHOTO MENU,

INDICATING AREA RESIDENTS

PROBABLY HAVE LIMITED POWER AND

FOOD, OR ARE TOO DRUNK TO READ.

( LAUGHTER )

OKAY, NOW, RED IS A SIGN OF

SEVERE DAMAGE.

WAFFLE HOUSE IS CLOSED OR IN THE

EXAMPLE OF POST-KATRINA

MISSISSIPPI, REDUCED TO NOTHING

BUT A SLAB.

BY THE WAY, NOTHING BUT A SLAB

IS HOW YOU ORDER THE

CHICKEN-FRIED MEAT.

FOLKS, IT IS NO ACCIDENT THE

WAFFLE HOUSE HAS BECOME FEMA'S

SYRUP-SMOTHERED CANARY IN A COAL

MINE.

ALSO, AVAILABLE ON THE MENU.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

AFTER HURRICANE KATRINA, WHEN

RESTAURANTS THAT REOPENED

QUICKLY WERE SWAMPED WITH

CUSTOMERS, WAFFLE HOUSE

EXECUTIVES DEVELOPED A MANUAL

FOR OPENING AFTER A DISASTER,

BULKED UP ON PORTABLE

GENERATORES, BOUGHT A MOBILE

COMMAND CENTER AND GAVE

EMPLOYEES KEY FOBS WITH

EMOTIONAL CONTACTS.

NOT TO MENTION THEIR STRATEGY OF

SLOWLY TURNING THEIR CUSTOMERS

INTO FLOTATION DEVICES.

BU, FOLKS, AS MUCH AS I THINK

IT'S A GOOD MOVE BY FEMA, I SAY

WE CUT OUT THE GOVERNMENT MIDDLE

MAN AND PUT THE WAFFLE HOUSE IN

CHARGE OF ALL OUR EMERGENCY

OPERATIONS

( LAUGHTER )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DRUNK AT

3 A.M.

( LAUGHTER )

FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW IN A

FLOOD ZONE, SHORT STACKS ALSO

DOUBLE AS SANDBAGS

( LAUGHTER )

AND SOMEHOW, 60,000 OF THEM

STILL COST JUST $2.99 WITH YOUR

CHOICE OF CHICKEN-FRIED MEAT.

I SAY BETTER TO GO WITH A

SOVEREIGN AMERICAN WAFFLE HOUSE

THAN THE U.N.'S HUMANITARIAN

BREAKFAST RESPONSE-- THE

INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ).

THEY WILL JUST PASS A USELESS,

NONBINDING RESOLUTION DECLARING

DISASTER ROOTY TOOTY, NOT SO

FRESH AND FRUITY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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