Republican Southern Primary - Simplified Speeches

  • Aired:  03/13/12
  •  | Views: 66,759

While campaigning in the South, Rick Santorum scoffs at global warming while Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich mock Barack Obama's energy plan. (3:41)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, IT IS PRIMARY NIGHT IN

ALABAMA, MISSISSIPPI, HAWAII AND

AMERICAN SAMOA.

NOW, I PRETAPED THE SHOW, SO NO

ONE TELL ME WHO WON OR WHERE

AMERICAN SAMOA IS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHOEVER WINS TONIGHT, THEY WILL

BE PLAIN SPOKEN FOLK.

BECAUSE WHILE OBAMA DRONES ON

AND ON WITH HIS SAT WORDS, THERE

IS NO TOPIC THAT THESE GENTLEMEN

CANNOT EXPLAIN USING PHRASES NO

MORE COMPLEX THAN "I LIKE TO EAT

Y'ALL'S CHEESY GRITS."

I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO HOW RICK

SANTORUM BREAKS DOWN GLOBAL

WARMING.

>> THE DANGERS OF CARBON

DIOXIDE, TELL THAT TO A PLANT

HOW DANGEROUS CARBON DIOXIDE IS.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

TELL THAT TO A PLANT.

LIKE MY HOUSE PLANT ROBERT HERE.

WHO FOR SOME REASON IS

SUPPORTING OBAMA.

HEY, HEY, HEY, BOBBY, DO YOU

WANT OBAMA TAKING AWAY CARBON

DIOXIDE THAT YOU NEED FOR PHOTO

SYNTHESIST?

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT BEFORE

INDUSTRY AND CARS EARTH HAD NO

VEGETATION.

THAT'S WHY FACTORIES ARE CALLED

PLANTS.

OKAY.

READ A BOOK.

THEY'RE MADE OF YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

STUPID.

STUPID PLANT.

OF COURSE, ROMNEY ALSO KNOWS HOW

TO MAKE COMPLEX SUBJECTS SIMPLE.

WATCH HIM PUNCH HOLES IN THE

PRESIDENT'S SO-CALLED ENERGY

POLICY.

>> LOOK AT HIS ENERGY POLICY.

WHAT IS HIS ENERGY POLICY.

YOU CAN'T DRIVE A CAR WITH A

WINDMILL ON IT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> YOU CAN'T DRIVE A CAR WITH A

WINDMILL ON IT.

BECAUSE IF YOU PUT A WINDMILL ON

TOP OF YOUR CAR, THEN WHERE DOES

THE DOG GO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT NOBODY BUT NOBODY IS BETTER

AT KEEPING IT KNOWLEDGE-FREE.

THAN GINGRICH DPRICH.

LISTEN TO NEWT DESCRIBE ONE OF

OBAMA'S CRAZY ALTERNATIVE ENERGY

SCHEMES.

>> IF YOU READ THE PRESIDENT'S

ENERGY SPEECH, HE'S IN CLOUDY

CUKOO LAND.

THE BIGGEST ISSUE THIS FALL WILL

BE DRILLING VERSUS ALGAE.

I THINK THIS SUMMER AS GAS

PRICES KEEP GOING UP, ONE OF OUR

CAMPAIGN TECHNIQUES SHOULD BE TO

HAVE PEOPLE GO TO GAS STATIONS

WITH A JAR OF ALGAE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SAY TO PEOPLE, WOULD YOU

RATHER HAVE THE GOOD EVENING F

GINGRICH SOLUTION OF DRILLING

AND HAVING MORE OIL, OR WOULD

YOU LIKE TO TRY TO PUT THIS IN

YOUR GAS TANK.

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T MAKE

THIS STUFF UP, BUT NEWT CAN

BECAUSE EXXON HAS COMMITTED $600

MILLION TO DEVELOPING THIS

TECHNOLOGY IN CLOUD CUCKOO LAND.

BESIDES, ALGAE FUEL WILL NEVER

BE ABLE TO POWER THE SPACESHIP

THAT WILL TAKE US TO NEWT'S

COMPLETELY FEASIBLE MOON COLONY.

I REALLY JUST WISH WE HAD

CANDIDATES LIKE THESE YEARS AGO

SO WE COULD HAVE EXPLAINED THE

STUPID TRUTH BEHIND STUFF LIKE

THE TELEPHONE.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, I'M

GOING TO TALK INTO A BOX AND MY

WIFE WILL HEAR ME?

BUT WHO WILL GET MY WIFE OUT OF

THE BOX?

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

AND HOLD ON THERE, SPORT, YOU

WANT TO CURE MY SYPHILIS WITH

MOLD YOU GREW ON A HUNK OF

BREAD?

NO THANKS.

I PREFER TO REMAIN BLIND AND

INSANE, AN I'M PRETTY SURE THESE

GENTLEMEN FEEL THE S