Osama bin Laden Is Still Dead

  • Aired:  05/03/11
  •  | Views: 65,573

The secret members of SEAL Team Six grab Osama bin Laden and his thumb drives. (3:59)

( THEME SONG PLAYING )

( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT BEGUN EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU -- WELCOME TO THE

REPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

SUCH A RESPONSE.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PLEASE, PLEASE, THANK YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

FOLKS, I GOTTA TELL YOU THAT

KIND OF RESPONSE AT THE

BEGINNING OF THE SHOW JUST MAKES

ME WANT TO PUT ALL OF YOU ON MY

BUCKET LIST.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND SOME OF YOU DO.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT NATION, I HAVE TO GET TO THE

NEWS.

I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED THIS

EXCITING NEWS: BIN LADEN IS

STILL DEAD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

THAT -- THAT IS THE NICE THING

ABOUT DEAD TERRORISTS THEY ONLY

GET DEADER.

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, SOME PEOPLE DON'T

SEEM TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW DEAD

HE IS.

THEY WOULD RATHER SOUND SMART

THAN DANCE ON BIN LADEN'S GRAVE.

>> CERTAINLY OSAMA BIN LADEN IN

RECENT YEARS WAS A SYMBOLIC

FIGUREHEAD OF AL QAEDA.

>> IN RECENT YEARS IT IS A FACT

THAT THE U.S. BELIEVED BIN LADEN

WAS BECOMING MORE OF A SYMBOLIC

FIGUREHEAD.

>> THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE WHO

REGARDED HIM AS A FIGUREHEAD.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT IF WAS A

FIGUREHEAD.

SO IS THE BRITISH MONARCHY AND

WE LOVE THEM.

WHETHER OR NOT BIN LADEN HAD

DAY-TO-DAY CONTROL OF AL QAEDA

WE LOVED HIM FOR THE PAGEANTRY.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE WAS

WEARING.

I WANT TO PERSONALLY

CONGRATULATE THE GUYS WHO GOT

HER DONE, SEAL TEAM 6!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GIVE IT UP.

ABSOLUTELY.

OH, YEAH!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SEAL TEAM 6, OKAY, I DON'T WANT

TO JINX ANYTHING BUT I THINK

THIS MISSION HAS GOT TO PUSH

THEM UP TO THE TOP FIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW I WISH I COULD SHOW YOU A

PICTURE OF THESE ABBOTTABADASSES

BUT IT'S CLASSIFIED.

I'M GOING TO GUESS IT'S RAMBO,

MASTER CHIEF, THE BATMAN, VIN

DIESEL AND LET'S SAY CUNNING FU

PANDA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE OPERATION WENT OFF WITHOUT A

HITCH, FOLKS.

AS FORMER SEAL TEAM COMMANDER

TOLD FOX NEWS.

>> PICTURE PERFECT, THEY WERE

INVITED TO THE SUPER BOWL, THEY

WON THE GAME AND BECAUSE NOBODY

GOT HURT THEY GOT AN OSCAR FOR

THE FROSTING ON THE CAKE.

>> Stephen: YES, THE OSCAR WAS

THE FROSTING ON THE CAKE WHERE

THEY BLEW OUT THE CANDLES THAT

BROUGHT HOME OR THE STANLEY CUP

FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A

MUSICAL GOOOOAL!

FOLKS, THE SEALS DIDN'T JUST

GRAB OSAMA BIN LADEN THEY ALSO

SEIZED TEN HARD DRIVES, FIVE

COMPUTERS AND MORE THAN 100

STORAGE DEVICES INCLUDING DISKS,

DVDS AND THUMB DRIVES, YES THUMB

DRIVES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

AFTER WE CAUGHT THE SHOE BOMBER

HEAD TO TAKE OFF OUR SHOES.

NOW THAT THEY'VE FOUND THE THUMB

DRIVES TRIPS TO THE AIRPORT

SECURITY LINES WILL SOUND LIKE

THIS.

>> THEY TOOK MY THUMB!

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: THE POINT IS WE

HAVE BEEN -- BIN LADEN'S

COMPUTERS NOW WHICH MEANS WE

KNOW ALL THE SONGS ON HIS

IPOD.

I SUPPOSE HE COULD HAVE HAD A

ZUNE.

YOU KNOW?

THAT LAST COMMENT CROSSED THE

LINE.

IT IS ONE THING TO SHOOT A MAN

IN THE EYE AND SOMETHING ELSE TO

ACCUSE HIM OF

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