Colbert Classic - Spy Training with Peter Earnest

  • Aired:  06/06/13
  •  | Views: 23,319

Stephen relives his undercover education at the International Spy Museum. (8:43)

THEIR CONTRACT EVER EXPIRED.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

THE POINT IS-- THE POINT IS,

FOLKS, THESE DOMESTIC SPYING

PROGRAMS ARE SOMETIMES

NECESSARY.

AND I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I HAVE

RECEIVED SPY TRAINING FROM

RETIRED UNDERCOVER C.I.A. AGENT

AND EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF THE

INTERNATIONAL SPY MUSEUM PETER

EARNEST.

LET'S RELIVE THAT MOMENT IN

TONIGHT'S "COLBERT CLASSIC."

♪ ♪ ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO

TALK TO ME TODAY.

>> I'M DELIGHTED TO MEET WITH

YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO

TEACH ME HOW TO BE A SPY.

WHY ARE YOU THE MAN?

GIVE ME YOUR BONA FIDES WILL.

>> I WAS FOR 25 YEARS IN THE

CLANDESTINE SERVICE.

THAT'S OPERATIONS, RECRUITING

AND RUNNING AGENTS, COVERT

ACTION.

>> Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE

HAVE YOU KILLED?

>> NONE.

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU TELL ME

IF HU?

>> I WOULD-- I WOULD --

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU.

>> I WOULD PROBABLY HOANL THAT.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL PUT

YOU DOWN FOR SEVEN.

>> THAT'S A HIGH NUMBER.

>> Stephen: IS IT?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: NOT AS HIGH AS

EIGHT.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> Stephen: WHO IS THE MOST

EXOTIC LADY SPY YOU EVER SEDUCED

ON A MISSION?

>> FIRST OF ALL, I NEVER SEDUCED

A WOMAN SPY ON A MISSION.

>> Stephen: THEY SEDUCED YOU?

>> NO, NO, IN OTHER WORDS, IT

JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: THERE WAS NO

SEDUCTION IT WAS JUST COLD-BLOOD

HUMPING.

>> I PROBABLY WOULD NOT

CHARACTERIZE IT THAT WAY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: KEEP IT KIND OF

SPICY.

>> NO, BUT I THINK IN THE COURSE

OF OPERATIONS, YOU DO RUN INTO

INTERESTING PEOPLE, AND YOU RUN

INTO THEM IN VERY INTIMATE

CIRCUMSTANCES.

>> Stephen: WHILE SERVING THE

C.I.A., YOU GOT THE AGENCY'S

INTELLIGENCE MEDAL OF MERIT.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: FOR SUPERIOR

PERFORMANCE THROUGHOUT YOUR

CAREER.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: DOESN'T HAVING A

C.I.A. MEDAL OF MERIT ON YOUR

CHEST KIND OF BLOW YOUR COVER

WHEN YOU'RE IN THE FIELD?

>> I AM NO LONGER UNDERCOVER.

MY MEDAL IS RIGHT HERE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A

GOOD-LOOKING MEDAL.

>> YEAH, THAT'S THE MEDAL OF

MERIT.

AND SINCE I'M NO LONGER

UNDERCOVER, I HAVE MY MEDAL.

>> Stephen: CAN I TAKE A LOOK

AT THAT?

>> YOU CERTAINLY CAN.

YOU'LL NOTICE, BY THE WAY, THAT

HAS MY NAME ON IT.

>> Stephen: IT SURE DOES.

THAT COULD BE BUFFED OFF.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR THIS?

NO, I WOULDN'T PUT A PRICE ON

IT.

>> Stephen: COME ON!

>> I WOULDN'T SELL MY MEDAL.

>> WHAT'S IT WORTH?

50 BUCKS?

>> I WOULDN'T SELL IS.

>> Stephen: 100 I WANT IT.

WHERE DO YOU KEEP THIS?

>> I JUST HAVE IT RIGHT HERE ON

THE CREDENZA RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SPY AND A

MAGICIAN?

( LAUGHTER )

>> THE DIFFERENCE-- WELL, BOTH

THE MAGICIAN AND THE SPY

ENGAGE-- CAN ENGAGE IN DECEIT,

DECEPTION.

>> Stephen: RIGHT, ILLUSIONS.

>> ILLUSIONS.

>> Stephen: I'LL DO A LITTLE

TRICK FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

THINK OF THE FOUR OF CLUBS.

>> OKAY I'VE GOT IT IN MY MIND.

OKAY.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: IS IN THE CARD?

( APPLAUSE )

>> ... THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU

PULLED OUT THE CARD THAT YOU

ASKED ME TO THINK OF.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: WHEN WORKING

UNDER COVER, I ASSUME IT'S BEST

TO HAVE A WHOLE NEW IDENTITY.

>> YES.

I THINK, YES.

>> Stephen: LET ME TRY ONE ON

YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> SURE.

>> Stephen: HELLO.

( LAUGHTER )

I'M PETER EARNEST.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

>> I'M PETER EARNEST.

>> Stephen: THAT CAN'T BE

BECAUSE I'M PETER EARNEST.

>> WELL--

>> WELL.

>> I NEVER MET ANYBODY --

>> Stephen: I NEVER MET

ANYBODY.

>> IT'S REMARKABLE.

>> Stephen: IT'S REMARKABLE.

>> LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE PETER EARNEST

WAS BORN?

>> Stephen: AMERICA?

SCOTLAND?

>> EDINBOROUGH.

>> Stephen: SCOTLAND.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: THIS IS MY OFFICE

AND THAT'S MY DESK AND THAT'S MY

MEDAL.

>> NOT-- WELL, NOW --

>> Stephen: THAT IS MY MEDAL

OVER THERE.

>> WE TALKED ABOUT THAT NOW.

WE'VE RULED THAT OUT.

>> Stephen: EXCUSE ME?

>> WE'VE RIEWSTLED THAT OUT.

>> Stephen: WHICH ONE IS IT,

AMERICA?

WHO IS THE REAL PETER EARNEST?

I'M SAY SOMETHING ONLY PETER

EARNEST WOULD SAY.

I'M PETER EARNEST UPON.

>> BUT I'M PETER EARNEST.

>> Stephen: PREPARE YOURSELF

FAIR SHOCK.

YOU'RE YOU.

( LAUGHTER )

>> WELL, I MEAN, I FEEL

REASSURED.

>> Stephen: SO, OKAY, YOU

APPEAR TO BE SUFFICIENTLY

BAD-ASS TO TEACH ME HOW TO BE A

SPY.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO BECOME A

SPY?

>> NUMBER ONE, ASSUME NOTHING.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, I

DON'T.

>> OKAY, DON'T ASSUME.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, NOR

I DO CARE.

>> BE PREPARED TO TAKE RISKS,

SUCH AS BREAKING INTO A PLACE

YOU SHOULDN'T BE.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> ALL RIGHT?

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> FINALLY, YOU NEED TO CARRY

OUT A COVERT ACTION, A COVERT

MISSION.

>> Stephen: OKAY, LET'S GIVE

IT A SHOT.

LET'S GO.

>> LET'S GO.

OKAY.

WHAT YOU HAVE HERE, STEPHEN, IS

A TIE.

JUST IMAGINE YOURSELF WEARING

THAT TIE.

>> Stephen: UH-HUH.

>> UNDERNEATH YOUR SHIRT IS

STRAPPED A CAMERA.

>> Stephen: AND YOU SCRAP

THAT CAMERA ON YOUR CHEST TO

HIDE YOUR UGLY TIE?

>> NO, NO, THINK OF IT AS

REVERSED.

IN OTHER WORDS, THE STRAPS AND

THE CAMERA ARE UNDERNEATH YOUR

SHIRT.

>> Stephen: HOLDING YOUR TIE

DOWN.

>> NO, NO, THE TIE SOEVER THE

SHIRT.

SP WHAT YOU'VE GOT IS A CAMERA

CONCEALED BEHIND THE TIE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS

TAKING PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOUR TIE.

>> NO, NO, NO, WHAT YOU DO, YOU

HAVE A LITTLE HOLE, A LITTLE

HOLE IN THE TIE AND A CAMERA

PEEK THROUGHS THAT HOLE AND CAN

TAKE A PICTURE.

>> Stephen: OF SOMEONE ELSE'S

TIE?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: IT THIS LOOKS

LIKE A FIRE CRACKER.

>> THEY SAY RECTAL TOOL KIT.

>> Stephen: COME AGAIN?

>> OKAY.

YOU SEE THOSE LITTLE TOOLS

THERE-- KNIVES, SCREWDRIVERS?

ALL OF THOSE FIT INTO THE LITTLE

KIT THERE THAT CLOSES AND IT CAN

BE CONCEALED IN THE RECTUM.

>> Stephen: THE WHOLE KIT AND

CABOODLE GOES WHERE THE SUN

DON'T SHINE.

>> YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

>> Stephen: AND YOU TRY TO

CAPTURE ME AND GO, "SURE, SEARCH

ME ANYWHERE, JUST NOT MY BUTT."

>> THAT IS RIGHT.

LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S MADE TO LOOK LIKE A

DICTIONARY.

IT'S A CONCEALMENT DEVICE.

>> Stephen: AND THAT ENTIRE

THING GOES UP YOUR BUTT?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO WE HAVE

HERE?

>> IT IS A PIPE GUN.

>> Stephen: YOU COULD GO UP

TO A HIGH-VALUE TARGET.

>> HIGH-VALUE TARGET AND YOU

COULD SMOKE NEAR THEM FOR 20

YEARS AND KILL THEM WITH

SECONDHAND SMOKE.

>> YOU COULD DO THAT, THAT'S ONE

WAY.

>> Stephen: NO ONE WOULD SEE

THAT COMING.

>> NOT FOR 20 YEARS.

THEY WOULDN'T KNOW UNTIL RIGHT

AT THE END.

WHAT YOU HAVE HERE, STEPHEN, IS

A RECTAL CONCEALMENT DEVICE FOR

A CYANIDE CAPSULE.

IT'S ANOTHER RECTAL CONCEALMENT

DEVICE.

>> Stephen: YES, YES, I'M

AWARE OF THAT.

I'M JUST-- THERE'S A LITTLE MORE

RECTAL ACTIVITY HERE THAN...

( LAUGHTER )

IS THERE NO OTHER PLACE TO HIDE

THINGS ON THE HUMAN BODY?

>> WELL, THINK ABOUT IT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

>> Stephen: I'M THINKING

ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

>> THINK ABOUT IT.

>> Stephen: LET'S MOVE ON.

I HAD LEARNED THE BASICS, BUT TO

COMPLETE MY TRAINING I FIRST HAD

TO COMPLETE A RISKY COCONVERT

MISSION.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO

ME TODAY, PETER.

>> OKAY, IT WAS GREAT HAVING YOU

HERE, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: GOOD-BYE.

>> BYE.

♪ ♪ ♪

>> TAKE RISKS, SUCH AS BREAKING

INTO A PLACE YOU SHOULDN'T BE.

CARRY OUT A CONVERT MISSION.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: JOKE'S ON HIM-- I

HID THE REAL MEDAL IN MY RECTUM.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )