Extreme Measures for Boosting Church Attendance

  • Aired:  04/21/14
  •  | Views: 25,556

Churches attempt to increase membership by offering giveaways, prizes and mixed martial arts. (4:01)

>> WELCOME BACK, FOLKS.

FOLKS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, IF YOU CHECKED YOURLITURGICAL CALENDAR YOU'LL KNOW

THAT YESTERDAY WAS EASTER.

SO I JUST WANT TO WISHEVERYBODY A HAPPY EASTER.

BUT NOT FOR YESTERDAY, FORNEXT EASTER, OKAY.

LET ME GET THINGS OUT EARLY.

WHILE I'M AT IT HAPPY LABORDAY, NOW GET BACK TO WORK, IT'S

APRIL. BUT SADLY RECENTPEW RESEARCH FROM THE PEW

RESEARCH CENTER FOUND THATTHE PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS

WHO SAY THE SELDOM OR NEVERATTEND RELIGIOUS SERVICES

HAS RISEN.

PEOPLE AREN'T GOING TOCHURCH.

EVIDENTLY, SOMEBODY BLABBEDABOUT THE GOD IS EVERYWHERE

LOOPHOLE.

THANKFULLY, THIS YEAR SOMECHURCHES BEGAN SPENDING

MONEY ON GIVEAWAYS ANDPRIZES IN HOPES OF BOOSTING

ATENDANCE ON EASTER SUNDAY.

AT LAST, PRIZES.

I MEAN WHAT ELSE WERE THEYGOING TO LURE PEOPLE IN W

THE PROMISE OF UNCONDITIONALLOVE AND ETERNAL SALVATION.

THEY GAVE THAT OUT LASTYEAR.

NOW FOLKS, FALLINGATTENDANCE IS WORSE AMONG

MEN, CHRISTIANITY HAS BECOMEUNMANLY.

A LOT OF PRIESTS DON'T EVENHAVE GIRLFRIENDS.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS HAPPY TOHEAR THAT SOME CHURCHES HAVE

FOUND A WAY TO PUT THE DUDEBACK IN DEUTERONOMY,

ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORKTIMES", A SMALL BUT GROWING

NUMBER OF EVANGELICALCHURCHES HAVE EMBRACED MIXED

MARTIAL ARTS TO CONVERTYOUNG MEN.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

IT'S LIKE JESUS SAID IFANYONE SLAPS YOU ON THE

RIGHT CHEEK, TURN TO THEMTHE OTHER CHECK THEN KEEP

TURNING UNTIL YOU DELIVER AROUND HOUSE KICK TO HIS JAW.

YAH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YAH!

ALL THIS HARD-CORE MMACHURCH ACTION IS IN A NEW

DOCUMENTARY CALLED FIGHTCHURCH.

>> AS CHRISTIANS, THERE ARETIMES WHERE YOU TAKE SHOTS.

THAT'S WHERE THE BIBLE GIVESYOU YOUR TRAINING.

>> I DON'T LOOK LIKE THETYPICAL PASTOR AND THAT'S

OKAY WITHIN A COUPLE OF GODFEARING MEN PUNCHING EACH

OTHER IN THE FACE.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,THIS IS PASTOR VERSUS PASTOR.

>> YOU GOT TO LEARN TO PUTYOUR FOOT ON HIS NECK.

SOMEBODY SHOUT JESUS.

>> Stephen: YES, SOMEBODYSHOUT JESUS!

BUT PROBABLY NOT THE GUYWITH THE FOOT ON HIS NECK.

(LAUGHTER)ALL THIS TIME ALL THIS TIME

WE'VE BEEN TURNING TO JESUSFOR ANSWERS TO OUR DEEPEST

QUESTIONS.

BUT WE MISSED THE MOSTCENTRAL QUESTION OF ALL.

>> CAN YOU LOVE YOURNEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF AND

THEN AT THE SAME TIME KNEEHIM IN THE FACE?

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: YES, YOU CAN.

ESPECIALLY IF HE KEEPSRAKING HIS LEAVES INTO YOUR

YARD.

THIS IS THE LAST WARNING,ALLEN!

AND REST ASSURED, FOLKS, ALLTHIS FACE KNEEING IS BASED

ON SCRIPTURE.

>> THERE IS A VERSE IN THEBIBLE THAT SAYS BE WARY

WHEN ALL MEN SPEAK WELL OFYOU.

IF EVERYBODY LOVES YOU, YOUARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

>> Stephen: AND NOTHINGMAKES YOU NOT BE LOVED BY

SOMEONE QUITE LIKESHATTERING HIS CLAVICLE.

WHICH MEANS YOU GOT TO BEDOING SOMETHING RIGHT.

BUT AT THE END OF THE DAYFIGHT CHURCH IS ABOUT

SPREADING THE WORD.

>> THIS IS A BATTLEFIELD.

WE NEED TO CHARGE HIM, NOTWAIT FOR THEM TO COME TO US.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAYIT'S ABOUT REACHING PEOPLE

WITH THE GOSPEL REGARDLESSOF WHAT YOU DO TO INTRODUCE

THEM TO RELATIONSHIP WITHJESUS CHRIST.

>> Stephen: YES, IT'S ARELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS

CHRIST.

IT'S LIKE A BLIND DATEDURING WHICH YOU MAY BE

BLINDED.

(LAUGHTER)BUT I SAY WE CAN TAKE HAND

TO HAND HOLY WAR EVENFURTHER.

I MEAN IF WATCHING TWOCHRISTIANS ATTACK EACH OTHER

IS FUN WHAT ABOUT A CHRISTIANAND A LION?

(LAUGHTER)WITH ACTION LIKE THAT I BET

YOU COULD FILL UP A STADIUM.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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