Perfect Polly

  • Aired:  09/04/13
  •  | Views: 38,107

A plastic parakeet brings retirees all the joy of owning a real parakeet -- like chirping, perching and more chirping. (4:54)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH, FOLKS.

IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU KNOW

I LOVE TECHNOLOGY, THAT'S WHY

SOMETIMES I JUST STARE AT MY

MICROWAVE FOR HOURS AND HOURS.

WHICH WAY WILL THE BURRITO TURN

NEXT?

I DON'T KNOW.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO EXCITED TO

SEE A GREAT NEW PRODUCT PROFILED

ON THE MOST INFORMATIVE SEGMENT

OF FOX NEWS-- THE COMMERCIALS.

>> Stephen: .

>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> MY SINGING PARAKEET?

>> INTRODUCING PERFECT POLLY,

THE PET PARAKEET THAT COMES TO

LIFE WHEN YOU ENTER THE ROOM.

THIS REPLICA MIMICS THE SOUND

AND MUTUAL OF A REAL PARAKEET IN

THE WILD, HER CHEERFUL

HR +EULTING SONG KEEPS YOU

COMPANY ALL DAY LONG.

EVERYONE LOVES PERFECT POLLY.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: YES, PERFECT

POLLY, ALL THE FUN OF A CUE CUE

CLOCK WITHOUT THE HASSLE OF

FINDING OUT WHAT TIME IT IS.

AND PERFECT POLLY IS THE EASIEST

PET TO CARE FOR.

>> PARAKEETS ARE THE MOST

POPULAR PET BIRD IN THE WORLD,

BUT THEY REQUIRE A LOT OF CARE!

(LAUGHTER)

NOW PERFECT POLLY BRINGS YOU ALL

THE JOY AND NO MESS.

>> Stephen: YES, ALL THE JOY

OF OWNING A REAL PARAKEET-- LIKE

THE CHIRPING AND THE PERCHING

AND DID I ALREADY MENTION THE

CHIRPING?

(LAUGHTER)

THE POINT IS PERFECT POLLY IS

MADE OF PURE LOVE!

AND BECAUSE SHE'S MADE IN CHINA,

POSSIBLY MERCURY.

(LAUGHTER)

PLUS, YOU KNOW PERFECT POLLY

COMES FROM A REPUTABLE BREEDER,

TELEBRANDS, MAKER OF THE PASTA

BOAT.

(LAUGHTER)

WHICH INCIDENTALLY ALSO MAKES A

GREAT PET.

I MEAN, TRY POURING BOILING

WATER THERE A COCKER SPANIEL.

IT'S A NIGHTMARE.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT JUST IN CASE YOU NEED

ANOTHER REASON TO WELCOME

PERFECT POLLY INTO YOUR HOME,

THE COMMERCIAL NAILS IT WITH A

FUN RADIORHYME.

>> ON THE WINDOW OR ON THE

SHELF, WITH YOUR PERFECT POLLY

YOU'RE NEVER BY YOURSELF!

(AUDIENCE REACTS).

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: YOUR GOLDEN YEARS

ARE STILL FANTASTIC, EVEN IF

YOUR ONLY FRIEND IS MADE OF

PLASTIC.

(LAUGHTER).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND FOLKS, FOLKS, IF YOU'RE

STILL FOR SOME REASON -- IF FOR

SOME REASON YOU'RE STILL NOT

CONVINCED, I'VE GOT SOMEONE I'D

LIKE YOU TO MEET PLEASE CHIRP

AND TWITCH YOUR HEAD SHARPLY TO

THE LEFT FOR MY BEST FRIEND

PERFECT POLLY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE WE GO.

WHAT'S THAT, POLLY?

RIGHT.

HUMAN COMPANIONSHIP IS

OVERRATED.

(LAUGHTER)

I BETTER PUT YOU IN YOUR BIRD

CAGE BEFORE YOU FLY OFF THERE,

POLLY.

OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)

OH, SHE'S GOING TO FIT IN GREAT

AROUND HERE.

(LAUGHTER)

IN FACT, I ACTUALLY GOT PERFECT

POLY TO KEEP MY OTHER PARAKEET

COMPANY.

OKAY, THIS IS --

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

THIS IS IMPERFECT POLLY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE A CONSTANT

DISAPPOINTMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

I GOT THIS PARAKEET TO WARN US

IF THERE'S EVER A GAS LEAK IN

THE STUDIO.

WE USED TV CANARY FOR THAT BUT

IT KEPT DYING.

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IF THESE TWO

BECOME BEST OF FRIENDS AND, WHO

KNOWS?

MAYBE MORE!

ALTHOUGH, YOU KNOW, COME TO

THINK OF IT, IF I HAVE PERFECT

POLLY, I DON'T REALLY NEED

IMPERFECT POLLY.

ESPECIALLY SINCE HER INSATIABLE

APPETITESES FOR SEED IS BLEEDING

ME DRY.

I'M OUT LIKE 75 CENTS A WEEK.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT,

IMPERFECT POLLY?

I'M GOING TO SET YOU FREE.

WAIT A SECOND!

WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE REAL

BIRD?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST -- I DON'T -- OH, MY GOD!

SAY SOMETHING ONLY A REAL BIRD

WOULD SAY!

(BIRD CHEAPS)

OKAY P GOOD, OH, GOOD, YOU'RE

THE REAL BIRD, ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO, TIME TO HIT THE

ROAD.

GOOD RIDDANCE YOU FREELOADER.

(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

SHE'S DEAD!

SHE MUST HAVE DIED IN GRIEF

BECAUSE I CHOSE A COLD INANIMATE

HUNK OF RESIN OVER A LIVING,

BREATHING CREATURE KISSED WITH

THE SPARK OF LIFE FROM GOD!

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A

BATTERY-POWERED ABOMINATION!

LOOK WHAT YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO!

LOOK AT ME!

(LAUGHTER)

I'M A MONSTER!

(LAUGHTER)

A MONSTER!