The Word - Secrets & Laws

  • Aired:  07/30/13
  •  | Views: 27,940

Senate Finance Committee leaders ask their colleagues for suggestions on the tax code but promise to keep all suggestions secret for 50 years. (3:27)

FOOD CO-OP, RAINBOW WARRIOR.

NOW FORTUNATELY THERE'S A WAY

FOR LAWMAKERS TO DO THEIR JOBS

WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES, AND IT

BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S WORD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SECRETS AND LAWS.

NATION, LIKE ALL AMERICANS, I AM

CLOSELY FOLLOWING THE SENATE

FINANCE COMMITTEE'S EFFORT TO

DRAFT A NEW COMPREHENSIVE TAX

REFORM BILL.

NOW, FOLKS, THE COMMITTEE'S TOP

DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN,

SENATORS MAX BAUCUS AND/OR AND ORRIN

HATCH ARE ASKING THEIR SENATE

COLLEAGUES FOR SUGGESTIONS ON

THE NEW TAX CODE.

WHAT SHOULD BE DEDUBT I BELIEVE?

WHAT SHOULD THE TOP TAX RATE BE?

BUT THESE SENATORS KNOW IT IS

TOO RISKY FOR THE OTHER SENATORS

TO BE PUBLIC ABOUT THEIR PUBLIC

POLICY SO THEY ASSUREDDED

LAWMAKERS THAT ANY SUBMISSION

THEY RECEIVE WILL BE KEPT UNDER

LOCK AND KEY BY THE COMMITTEE

AND THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES UNTIL

THE END OF 2064.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NO ONE WILL SEE THE SENATORS'

OPINIONS ON THE TAX CODE FOR 50

YEARS.

AND BY THEN, FOLKS, THE SENATORS

WILL ALL BE DEAD.

NOW, TO FURTHER GUARANTEE

PRIVACY, BAUCUS AND HATCH HAVE

OFFERED TO GIVE EACH SUBMISSION

ITS OWN I.D. NUMBER, KEEP IT ON

PASSWORD-PROTECTED SERVERS AND

STORE PRINTEDDED VERSIONS IN

LOCKED SAFES.

THIS LEVEL OF SECRECY WILL GIVE

THE SENATORS THE FREEDOM TO DO

THE PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

THAT WAY, THEY CAN REPRESENT THE

VOTERS WITHOUT PRESSURE FROM THE

LOBBYISTS OR REPRESENT THE

LOBBYISTS WITHOUT PRESSURE FROM

THE VOTERS.

IT COULD GO EITHER WAY.

WE'LL FIND OUT IN 2064.

OF COURSE, THE ONLY DANGER IS IF

THE TAX BILL SOMEHOW LATER COMES

UP FOR A VOTE, THEN MEMBERS OF

CONGRESS WILL BE IN THE PERILOUS

POSITION OF SUPPORTING THEIR OWN

IDEAS.

WHICH IS IS WHY I BELIEVE WE

MUST OFFER CONGRESS EVEN MORE

SAFETY BY HIDING THEIR

IDENTITIES IN THE LEGISLATIVE

PROTECTION PROGRAM.

THIS WAY, THEY WILL BE GIVEN NEW

NAMES, NEW COVER JOBS.

MITCH McCONNELL CAN NOW VOTE

HIS CONSCIENCE AS GREEK ORTHODOX

PRIEST MILOS MCCONNELOPOLOUS AND

SO CAN HARRY REID OR SHOULD I

SAY SUSHI CHEF HARUKI REIDAMOTO.

NOW AT SOME POINT FOLKS MIGHT

NOTICE ALL THESE PRIESTS AND

CHEFS HANGING AROUND THE CAPITOL

BUILDING WHICH IS WHY WE MUST

RELOCATE CONGRESS SOMEWHERE

WHERE IT CAN NEVER BE FOUND,

THOUSANDS OF MILES UNDER A

MOUNTAIN GUARDED BY RIVERS OF

MAGMA AND ARMED MOLE MEN.

OF COURSE, TO ENSURE THE

ULTIMATE IN LEGISLATIVE PRIVACY,

WE SHOULD PROBABLY CHANGE ALL

VOTING BOOTHS TO HAVE REDACTED

BALLOTS.

INSTEAD OF PULL AGO LEVER, YOU

JUST THROW A DART.

NOW, I DON'T THINK AMERICANS

WOULD NOTICE A DIFFERENCE AT

THIS POINT BECAUSE IF OUR

LAWMAKERS GET TO MAKE THEIR

POLICY SUGGESTIONS IN SECRET, WE

DON'T KNOW WHO WE'RE VOTING FOR

ANYWAY.

AND THAT'S THE WORE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.