Vodka Tampons

  • Aired:  11/14/11
  •  | Views: 112,706

According to KPHO, Phoenix's news leader, boys and girls across America are soaking tampons in vodka and literally getting drunk off their asses. (3:48)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, WE HAVE GOT BIG NEWS

HERE AT THE REPORT.

YESTERDAY JAY THE INTERN

WELCOMED HIS SON EZRA MAX

INTO THE WORLD.

SO I WANT TO EXTEND MY

HEARTFELT CONGRATULATIONS TO

JAY AND HIS FAMILY AND AN

EVEN MORE HEARTFELT, WHERE

ARE YOU?

I HAD TO GET MY OWN COFFEE

TODAY AND I DONE REMEMBER

HOW I TAKE IT.

BLACK, SWEET AND LIGHT,

LATTE, ICED?

I DON'T KNOW, I HAD TO DRINK

ALL FOUR OF THEM!

I GOT SO TWEAKED I BIT THE

EAR OFF A BARISTA SO GET

BACK HERE!

MI JUST AS CUTE AS EZRA.

I COULD DO EVERYTHING CAN

DO.

I CAN SLEEP, I CAN EAT, I

CAN CRY, I SOIL MYSELF.

(LAUGHTER)

>> PLUS MY FON TAN EL ISN'T

CLOSED EITHER.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE A CHILD,

JAY, I ALSO NEED TO SHARE

WITH YOU MY WISDOM AS A

FATHER.

BEING A PARENT IS A SUBLIME

AND BEAUTIFUL ADVENTURE.

FILLED WITH UNEXPECTED JOYS

AND UNIMAGINABLE TERROR.

I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED

SLEEPING, JAY, BECAUSE AS A

PARENT, THE REST OF YOUR

NIGHTS WILL BE HAUNTED BY

LOCAL NEWS STORIES LIKE

THIS.

>> A FEW THINGS I NEVER

THOUGHT WOULD APPEAR IN THE

SAME SENTENCE, TAMPONS AND

VODKA.

DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

>> Stephen: YES.

YES, YOU DO.

>> BECAUSE IF YOU ARE A

PARENT, YOU REALLY NEED TO

HEAR THIS.

>> OFFICER CHRIS THOMAS

SPENDS HIS DAYS PATROLLING

THE HAULS OF VALLEY HIGH

SCHOOL.

HE HEARD FIRSTHAND HOW KIDS

ARE GET BE TIPSY.

>> WHAT WE ARE HEARING ABOUT

IS TEENAGERS UTILIZING

TAMPONS SOAK THEM IN VODKA

FIRST BEFORE USING THEM.

>> YOU HEARD RIGHT, TEENS

TAKING TAMPONS, SOAKING THEM

IN VODKA, AND INSERTING THEM

THERE.

>> THIS IS NOT ISOLATED TO

ANY SCHOOL, ANY CITY, ANY

FINANCIAL AREA.

THIS IS EVERYWHERE.

>> Stephen: YES.

THIS IS HAPPENING AND IT IS

EVERYWHERE.

A HIGH SCHOOL SECURITY COP

HEARD ABOUT IT, THAT MEANS

IT'S TRUE.

NATION, I HAVE WARNED YOU

PREVIOUSLY ABOUT THE DANGERS

OF VODKA EYEBALLING.

A TERRIFYING TREND THAT

SWEPT THROUGH AMERICA'S

TEENS A YEAR AGO AND THEN

VANISHED COMPLETELY AS IF NO

ONE WAS REALLY DOING IT.

BUT VODKA TAMPONING IS EVEN

MORE THREATENING.

WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THIS HAS

BEEN GOING ON.

NO WONDER THE WOMEN IN THESE

COMMERCIALS LOOK SO HAPPY!

THEY ARE HAMMERED!

(LAUGHTER)

NATION, I WISH, I WISH I

COULD SAY THAT THIS PRACTICE,

THAT IS, AGAIN, EVERYWHERE

IN AMERICA--

(LAUGHTER)

>> IS LIMITED TO TEENAGE

GIRLS.

BUT IF KPHO PHOENIX'S NEWS

LEADER REPORTS THIS

PHENOMENON IS EQUAL

OPPORTUNITY.

>> THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT

JUST GIRLS.

GUYS WILL USE USE IT AND NOW

THEY'LL INSERT THEM INTO

THEIR RECTUM.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU,

OFFICER.

AGAIN, PARENTS, EVERYWHERE

IN AMERICA.

BOYS ARE SOAKING TAMPONS IN

VODKA AND LITTLE RATLY

GETTING DRUNK OFF THEIR

ASSES.

EVERYONE -- EVERY ONE!

WAKE UP!

WAKE UP, AMERICA.

EVERYONE IS DOING THIS.

IF YOU ARE WITH A TEENAGE

BOY RIGHT NOW, CHANCES ARE

THEY HAVE A VODKA SOAKED

TAMPON IN THEIR BUTT!

COME ON!

A VERY IMPORTANT ADVISORY TO

MY TEENAGE VIEWERS.

DO NOT DO THIS!

IT IS VERY DANGEROUS AND

FOREGOD'S SAKE, IF YOU SOAK

YOUR TAMPON IN AT THE QEEL A,

DON'T SALT-- IN