Stephen's Thanksgiving & Holy Black Friday

  • Aired:  11/26/12
  •  | Views: 41,114

Thanksgiving is just a preamble to the holiest day of the year, Black Friday, when Americans come together to bow before their lord, the Walmart rollback guy. (3:13)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLKS, I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT THANKSGIVING.

I DID.

FIRST OF ALL A CAUGHT UP ON HOMELAND.

YOU GUYS SEE THAT SHOW ON THE SHOWTIME CHANNEL.

I LOVE THAT CHAENL.

NOW IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S THE TWISTING TALE OF AN IRAQ WAR VET WHO MAY OR MAY

NOT BE A TERRORIST OP RATTIVE, OR A DOUBLE AGENT WHOSE'S BEEN BRAINWASHED BY AL QAEDA WHO MATCHES WITS

WITH A BY POLAR CIA OP RATTIVE WHO IS CONVINCED THAT HE'S PART OF AN ATTACK AGAINST AMERICA AND IS AN

ON-AGAIN, OFF-AGAIN AFFAIR WITH HIM.

>> HERE WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT.

WHEN DO THEY CHARGE THEIR CELL PHONES?

THEY'RE ALWAYS ON THEM.

ALWAYS!

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS FULL, NEVER PLUGGED INTO ANYTHING.

NOT EVEN IN THE CAR.

IT'S ALWAYS LIKE FULL BARS.

DC, BEIRUT, BAGHDAD, GREAT RECEPTION.

MAKES THE WHOLE THING KIND OF UNBELIEVABLE.

(LAUGHTER) ANYWAY, HI A GREAT THANKSGIVING.

I CELEBRATED THE TRADITIONAL MANNER WITH MY FAMILY OR AS THE INDIANS CALL THEM MAZE.

BUT FOLKS WE ALL KNOW THANKSGIVING IS JUST A PREAMBLE TO THE HOLIEST DAY THE YEAR, BLACK FRIDAY.

WHEN AMERICANS-- WHEN AMERICANS COME TOGETHER TO BOW BEFORE THEIR LORD THE WAL-MART ROLLBACK GUY.

BECAUSE JESUS ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SAVED.

AND BLACK FRIDAY, BECAUSE BLACK FRIDAY LAS BIBLICAL ROOTS.

THAT'S WHEN THE THREE WISE MEN GOT THAT KILLER BUY GOLD AND FRANKINCENSE GET ONE

MYRRH FREE, DEAL.

AND FOLKS THIS YEAR WAS A GREAT ONE FOR RETAILERS.

>> SALES BROKE RECORDS BOTH ON-LINE AND IN STORES.

A TOTAL OF $247 MILLION PEOPLE SHOPPED.

THAT'S A 9% INCREASE OVER LAST YEAR'S NUMBERS.

EACH SHOPPER SPENT ON AVERAGE $425-- $423, TOTAL SPENDING OVER THE FOUR DAY WEEKEND HIT A RECORD $59.1 BILLION.

>> Stephen: $59.1 BILLION.

FOLKS, I'M SURE THAT'S GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.

BUT FRANKLY I'M WORRIED THAT BLACK FRIDAY IS BEING RUINED BY COMMERCIALISM.

(LAUGHTER) NOWADAYS IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING BUY.

WHAT DEAL YOU'RE GOING TO GET.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TRAMPLING PEOPLE FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME?

OR JUST-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OR JUST EXPERIENCING THE PURE CHILD-LIKE JOY OF

THROAT PUNCHING AN OLD LADY OVER THAT LAST

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