Tip/Wag - Senators Mitch and Chong & Resourceful Rich Folk

  • Aired:  05/22/13
  •  | Views: 20,805

Senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul say hemp is different from marijuana, and black-market Disney guides help rich families skip ride lines. (4:57)

AS I NEED TO BE.

NOW, NATION, SOMETIMES I FEEL

LIKE A LONE VOICE CRYING IN THE

WILDERNESS.

THEN I PUT MY GLASSES BACK ON

AND REALIZE THESE TREES ARE

ACTUALLY JUST CAMERAS.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FOLKS, OF COURSE, I DON'T HAVE

TO REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE LOSING

THE WAR ON MARIJUANA, UNLESS

YOU'RE A DOPER, IN WHICH CASE

YOU HAVE THE SHORT-TERM MEMORY

OF A SAND CRAB.

AND THIS WEEK THE POT PROBLEM

ONLY GOT WORSE.

>> KENTUCKY'S TWO SENATORS SAY

THEY ARE NOT GIVING UP ON

INDUSTRIAL HEMP.

SENATORS MITCH McCONNELL AND

RAND PAUL WERE JOINED BY SEVERAL

KENTUCKY CONGRESSMEN IN SIGNING

A LETTER TO THE, A MEASURE THAT

WOULD ALLOW INDUSTRIAL HEMP

FARMING IN THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT LIFTS ITS CURRENT

RESTRICTIONS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

THESE SENATORS ARE TRYING TO

TURN KENTUCKY INTO A DEN OF THIN

INSTEAD OF A WHOLESOME PLACE TO

POUND BURBON WHILE WATCHING TINY

PEOPLE WHIP HORSES FOR SPORT.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I'M GIVING A

WAG OF MY FINGER TO SENATORS

MITCH AND CHONG HERE.

OF COURSE, THESE KENTUCKY

KEN-TOKERS ARE SAYING HEMP IS

DIFFERENT FROM MARIJUANA BECAUSE

IT CONTAINS ALMOST NO T.H.C. AND

IS USED TO MAKE SUSTAINABLE

PRODUCTS LIKE ROPE AND PAPER.

IN FACT WHEN ASKED ABOUT HIS

SUPPORT FOR HEMP RAND PAUL SAID

QUOTE, "I'M FASCINATED BY THE

PAPER THING.

ONE ACRE OF HEMP IS EQUAL TO TWO

ACRES OF TREES.

TREES TAKE 15 YEARS AND HEMP ONE

SEASON.

SOMEBODY SAID THE DECLARATION OF

INDEPENDENCE IS IS ON HEMP

PAPER.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE OR

NOT.

I'VE HEARD IT THOUGH."

SADLY, FOLKS...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SADLY, PUFF THE MAGIC SENATOR

HERE MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING

ABOUT THE DECLARATION BEING

WRITTEN ON HEMP.

IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY IT'S SIGNED

BY FOUNDING FATHERS JOHN

HANCOCK, BEN FRANKLIN AND

ZEPPELIN RULES.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, EVERYBODY LOVES

DISNEY WORLD.

THE RIDES, THE COSTUMES, THE

WALT-SICLES.

SO MUCH FUN.

BUT WIN THING RUINS THE DISNEY

MAGIC AND THAT'S THE LONG LINES.

FORTUNATELY IF YOU'VE GOT THE

CASH, THERE'S A WAY TO GET A

JUMP ON THE RIFFRAFF.

>> CASTING LIGHT ON HOW THE RICH

HIT DISNEY WORLD.

THE NEW YORK POST REPORTS

THEY'RE HIRING DISABLED PEOPLE

TO POSE AS FAMILY MEMBERS SO

THEY CAN JUMP TO THE FRONT OF

THE LINES WITH THEIR KIDS.

THE BLACK MARKET DISNEY GUIDES

RUN $130 AN HOUR OR JUST OVER

$1,000 A DAY.

>> Stephen: YES, SKIP LINES BY

HIRING THE DISABLED OR JUST GO

TO THE HALL OF PRESIDENTS AND

STEAL F.D.R.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I AM GIVING

THE NEXT TIP OF MY HAT TO

RESOURCEFUL RICH FOLK.

TRAVELING WITH THE SPECIAL NEEDS

SET DOES BRING SPECIAL PERKS.

>> ONE MOM SPEAKING OUT THIS

MORNING HAS NO SHAME IN HER

GAME.

SHE SAYS, HEY, MY DAUGHTER

WAITED ONE MINUTE TO RIDE IT'S A

SMALL WORLD.

THE OTHER KIDS HAD TO WAIT MORE

THAN TWO HOURS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,

LOSERS.

THANKS TO HER LITTLE HANDY-PAL,

THAT LITTLE GIRL JUST BLEW PAST

YOUR SORRY ASSES SO SHE COULD BE

THE FIRST TO HEAR A MESSAGE OF

UNITY AND UNDERSTANDING.

SUCKS TO BE YOU!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT, FOLKS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

NOW THAT IT'S OUT THERE, I HAVE

AN ADMISSION TO MAKE.

I TOO HAVE BEEN HITCHING A RIGHT

ON THE GRAVY WHEELCHAIR.

IN FACT, TO GET SPECIAL STUFF I

HAVE A WHOLE STABLE FULL OF

HANDICAPPEDDED PEOPLE.

I MEAN NOT LITERALLY.

IT'S HEATED.

THANKS TO THEM, I GET THE BEST

PARKING SPOTS.

I'M ALWAYS FIRST TO BOARD THE

PLANE.

AND OH, THE WISHES THEY MAKE.

I MET MICHAEL JORDAN.

I GOT A TOUR OF NASA.

I SEEN SWAM WITH DOLPHINS.

IT'S A REAL SHAME, IT'S A REAL

SHAME THAT THE KID'S DOCTORS

SAID HE COULDN'T GET IN THE

WATER CAUSE OF HIS THING.

BUT HE STILL HAD FUN.

I SPRAYD HIM WITH A SUPER

SOAKER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.