Mystery Doughnut on Mars

  • Aired:  01/22/14
  •  | Views: 29,290

An image from NASA's Opportunity rover reveals that Mars has doughnuts. (4:04)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

"REPORT," EVERYBODY!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")WHY NOT?

ARE YOU UP FOR IT?

I'LL DO IT!

I MIGHT AS WELL DO THE SHOW.

YOU READY TO DO THE SHOW,EVERYBODY?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I LIKE IT.

YES.

NATION, NATION, HERE IN NEW YORKCITY WE ARE JUST DIGGING OUT

FROM THE MASSIVE POLARNOR'SNOWSTER OF THE LAST 24

HOURS.

WE GOT 11 INCHES OF SNOW ANDTHAT'S IN FREEZING COLD WEATHER

BECAUSE, NORMALLY, IT'S LIKE 15INCHES.

(LAUGHTER)BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHO I AM MOST

WORRIED ABOUT WITH THIS STORM--SPACE.

(LAUGHTER)IT PROBABLY GOT HIT EXTRA HARD

BECAUSE IT'S CLOSER TO THE SKY.

(LAUGHTER)BUT THIS STORM IS NOT THE

BIGGEST NEWS IN SPACE TODAY.

JIM, YOU ARE GO FOR FOOTAGE!

>> NASA OFFICIALS SAY SOMETHINGVERY MYSTERIOUS HAS HAPPENED ON

MARS.

LIKE NOTHING THEY HAVE EVERBEFORE SEEN.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

NOTICE -- NOTICE A BIGDIFFERENCE IN THESE TWO

PICTURES.

THIS IS TWO DIFFERENT PICTURESTAKEN OF THE SAME AREA.

YOU CAN SEE THE MARKINGS ON THEMARTIAN SURFACE THERE.

THEN THERE'S THIS THING.

A ROCK HAS APPEARED.

NASA SCIENTISTS SAY IT'S ABOUTTHE SIZE OF A JELLY DOUGHNUT

AND LOOKS LIKE A JELLY DOUGHNUTAS WELL.

>> Stephen: MARS HASDOUGHNUTS.

(LAUGHTER)FINALLY, WE'VE WAIT SO LONG FOR

THIS.

WE HAVE FINALLY FOUND AHABITABLE PLANET.

CALL OFF THE SEARCH FOR WATERAND START LOOKING FOR A LAKE OF

COOLATTA.

(LAUGHTER)NATION, THIS IS THE GREATEST

SPACE DISCOVERY SINCE GALILEOFOUND THE MILKY WAY.

(LAUGHTER)ACCORDING TO NASA, THIS OBJECT

IS VERY HIGH IN SULFUR ANDMAGNESIUM-- SO IT'S JUST AS

NUTRITIOUS AS DUNKIN'.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, THIS SPACE PASTRY OR

SPACETRY, IS GREAT NEWS FOR NASABECAUSE IT'S HARD TO FIND PEOPLE

WILLING TO SIT IN A TIN CAN FORSIX MONTHS TO GET TO MARS BUT WE

KNOW PEOPLE WILL WAIT ANY AMOUNTOF TIME FOR A CRONUT!

(LAUGHTER)NOW, OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE OUT

THERE --(APPLAUSE).

PEOPLE LOVE SCIENCE.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, NOT EVERYONE CAN

ACCEPT THE AMPLE EVIDENCE THATMARS IS COVERED IN DOUGHNUTS.

THE MARS ROVER'S LEAD SCIENTISTIS BAFFLED SAYING "IT'S LIKE

NOTHING WE'VE EVER SEEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THISMEANS.

WE'RE COMPLETELY CONFUSED."

(LAUGHTER)I DON'T SEE WHY.

I MEAN, CLEARLY WE FOUND LIFE ONMARS AND THE ALIENS ARE

DOUGHNUTS.

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S WHY AFTER YOU HAVE A

STOMACH FULL OF THEM YOU FEELLIKE THIS.

>> KILL ME!

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: AND THE MARTIANS

MUST BE UPSET ABOUT HOW MANY OFTHEM WE'VE EATEN.

SO BEFORE THEY STRIKE BACK, ITHINK SOMEONE NEEDS TO BROKER A

PEACE BETWEEN THESE TWO PLANETSSO I HAVE VOLUNTEERED.

ON MY WAY TO WORK THIS MORNING IPICKED UP A MARTIAN.

(LAUGHTER).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GREETINGS!

(LAUGHTER)I AM AN EARTHLING.

WE MEAN YOU KNOW NO HARM.

HOLD ON, I'VE GOT SOME ALIENSPORE ON MY FINGERS.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DID NOTGO AS WELL AS I HAD HOPED.

(LAUGHTER)I HOPE THAT ALIEN DOESN'T UPSET

MY GLUTEN ALLERGY.