A Beautiful War for Women

  • Aired:  04/16/12
  •  | Views: 16,254

Women are the big prize this campaign year, and both Democrats and Republicans are fallopi-in it to win it. (4:53)

A PROSTITUTE YOUR GRAND KIDS WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR!

(LAUGHTER) NATION, IF YOU LOOK AT THE NEWS,

YOU KNOW THAT REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS ARE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS AGAIN AFTER THEY'VE

LIFTED UP TO JOWLS TO FIND THEM.

(LAUGHTER) BUT YOU SEE THE DEMOCRATS ACCUSED THE REPUBLICANS OF LAUNCHING A WAR ON WOMEN THEN

THE REPUBLICANS ACCUSED THE DEMOCRATS OF THE SAME THING.

AND AT THIS POINT WHO CAN REMEMBER WHO IN ENACTED REPRODUCTION HEALTH RESTRICTIONS

IN 36 STATES INCLUDING MANDATORY TRANSVAGINAL ULTRASOUND.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE ASKING WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG.

INCIDENTALLY, THAT CHICKEN BETTER NOT BE ON THE PILL.

YOU WHORE!

WHORE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHY DID SHE CROSS THE ROAD?

BECAUSE SHE'S A WHORE!

(LAUGHTER) AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU DON'T LEARN THAT IN SCHOOL.

BUT OUT OF THIS WHOLE DEBATE,

SOMETHING HAS EMERGED THAT BOTH SIDES CAN AGREE ON.

WOMEN EXIST.

(LAUGHTER) THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

IT'S LIKE SUDDENLY EVERY OTHER PERSON I SEE IS A WOMAN.

AND IT TURNS OUT THEY CAN VOTE.

90 YEARS NOW!

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHY THIS UGLY WAR ON WOMEN HAS MORPHED INTO A BEAUTIFUL WAR FOR WOMEN.

>> WOMEN ARE NOT AN INTEREST GROUP.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE TREATED THAT WAY.

>> FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA POSTING ON TWITTER "EVERY MOTHER

WORKS HARD AND EVERY MOTHER DESERVES TO BE RESPECTED."

>> ONE THING I KNOW WHEN WHERE I AM HOME FULL TIME THEY PROBABLY HAVE A BETTER PULSE ON THE

ECONOMY THAN EVEN THEIR HUSBANDS.

>> FIRST OF ALL, THERE IS NO TOUGHER JOB THAN BEING A MOM.

>> WOMEN WERE BEING REFERRED TO AS A SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP.

IS THERE'S ONLY ONE PART OF THAT PHRASE THAT'S CORRECT: WOMEN ARE SPECIAL.

(LAUGHTER) YES.

ANNE ROMNEY, A WOMAN, IS RIGHT.

WOMEN ARE SPECIAL.

ALL WOMEN!

HARRIET TUBMAN!

EVA BRAWN.

FERGIE.

THAT SYRIA KILLER CHARLIZE THERON PLAYED IN "MONSTER." MRS. BUTTERWORTH.

ALL WOMEN!

ALL EQUALLY SPECIAL.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE POINT IS, WOMEN ARE THE BIG PRIZE THIS CAMPAIGN YEAR AND

BOTH SIDES ARE FALLOPIAN IT TO WIN IT.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHY THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN RELEASED THIS AD BRAGGING ABOUT

HIS SIGNING THE LILY LEDBETTER EQUAL PAY FOR WOMEN ACT SHOWING HIM WITH ACTUAL WOMEN.

NOT TO BE OUTDONE, THE ROMNEY CAMPAIGN PUT OUT BUMPER STICKERS

SAYING "MOMS DRIVE THE ECONOMY." AND THEY'RE ALSO APPEALING TO

LADY DRIVERS WITH A FEMALE VERSION OF TRUCK NUTS, THE CAMRY TOE.

(LAUGHTER) IT PROTECTS THE GRILL.

IT PROTECTS THE GRILL.

KEEPS BUGS OUT AND STUFF.

(LAUGHTER) WELL, I FOR ONE WILL NOT BE OUTDONE BY OTHERS OUTDOING.

SO SPEAKING FROM MY SIDE, LADIES MY SIDE IS RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE.

AND I WANT TO SAY THAT WOMEN ARE SO AMAZING-- AT NOT BEING MEN.

(LAUGHTER) WHAT WHAT WITH THE WHOLE LACK AGO PENIS THING AND THE PLUMBING

SITUATION DOWN WHICH I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE, I CAN'T... I AGREE WITH ANNE ROMNEY.

YOU ARE ALL SPECIAL, AS UNIQUE AS INDIVIDUAL SNOWFLAKES WITH BREASTS.

(LAUGHTER) WHICH I'VE ALWAYS SAID IS THE ONLY WAY TO IMPROVE ON A SNOWFLAKE.

AND TO SHOW MY UTTER SHE-RECIATION I'VE GIVEN ONE OF MY STAFF MEMBERS A MAKEOVER.

HERE'S ONE OF MY WRITERS,

MEREDITH, BEFORE.

AND HERE SHE IS AFTER.

I DIDN'T CHANGE A THING BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS) (LAUGHTER) I'M SORRY IF I'M GETTING CHOKED

UP IT'S JUST... I'M JUST SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT OBAMA'S LOOSE PERMISSIVE ATMOSPHERE IN A

NATIONAL HOOKER BANGING.

IT'S SO RUDE TO WOMEN.

WELL, NOW THAT I HAVE VALIDATED THE WORTH OF HALF OF HUMANITY BY ACKNOWLEDGING YOU EXIST I GUESS

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO EXCEPT PASS ON MY PAIR OF TRAVELING PANTS.

(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BECAUSE WE'RE ALL SISTERS NOW.

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