"Hard Choices" - Hillary Clinton

  • Aired:  08/05/14
  •  | Views: 244,626

After engaging Stephen in an epic name-dropping battle, "Hard Choices" author Hillary Clinton prompts him to make an important decision. (8:02)

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AND, FOLKS, FOLKS, THE 2016PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS ALMOST

UPON US AND I FOR ONE CAPTAINWAIT TO SEE WHO THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE ELECT NEXT FOR JOHNBOEHNER TO SUE.

OF COURSE, FORMER FIRST LADY,FORMER SENATOR, AND FORMER

SECRETARY OF STATE HILLARYCLINTON IS THE CURRENT

FRONT-RUNNER, WHICH ISSURPRISING SINCE IT SOUNDS LIKE

SHE CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, SECRETARY CLINTON SAYS SHE

HASN'T MADE UP HER MIND ABOUTWHETHER SHE'S RUNNING YET, BUT

ME THINKS SHE DOTH NOT MAKE UPHER MIND YET TOO MUCH.

LET'S JUST LOOK AT THE FACTS.

ONE, SHE'S ON A NATIONAL BOOKTOUR PUSHING HER MEMOIR "HARD

CHOICES."

TWO, SHE'S EXTREMELY QUALIFIED.

THREE, LET'S FORGET ABOUT NUMBERTWO AND JUST FOCUS ON THE BOOK

THING.

WHICH, BY THE WAY, FOR THERECORD I DON'T GET.

SURE, IT'S BEEN ON THE "NEW YORKTIMES" BESTSELLER LIST FOR SEVEN

WEEKS AND HAS SOLD MORE THAN500,000 COPIES WORLDWIDE BUT I

RECENTLY PICKED UP THE AUDIOBOOK.

I LIKE TO LISTEN TO IT WHEN I'MON THE TREADMILL AT THE GYM

RAGER-SIZING.

HERE'S THE COLBERT REVIEW.

HERE'S MY REVIEW.

THIS BOOK IS 656 PAGES OFSHAMELESS NAME DROPPING.

JIM?

>> TANZANIAN PRIME MINISTERMIZENGO PINDA AND I DO SOME

PLANTING AT A WOMEN'SCOOPERATIVE IN MLANDIZI.

>> Stephen: THUD. DID YOU CATCHTHAT, TMZ?

SHE JUST HAPPENED TO BE HANGINGOUT WITH MIZENGO IN MLANDIZI.

NOT IMPRESSED.

SO SHE'S TIGHT WITH THE PRIMEMINISTER OF TANZANIA.

I HAPPEN TO BE E-MAIL PEN PALSWITH THE PRINCE OF NIGERIA,

OKAY?

THAT REMINDS ME I SHOULDREALLY-- I SHOULD WRITE THAT GUY

BACK.

SHIWRITE THAT GUY.

( APPLAUSE )GOTTA WRITE HIM.

HE OWES ME A TON OF MONEY.

AND THERE'S MORE.

>> THE FIRST TIME I MET THEBURMESE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WINNER

AUNG SAN SUU KYI IN 2011, WEWERE BOTH WEARING WHITE.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY?

OBVIOUSLY, HER NOBEL PRIZEWASN'T IN FASHION.

AGAIN, JIM.

>> GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELAMERKEL HAS A GREAT SENSE OF

HUMOR.

>> Stephen: YOU HEARD IT,FOLKS.

HILLARY CLINTON THINKS GERMANCHANCELLORS ARE A LAUGH RIOT.

HEIL HILARITY.

>> HERE, BONO SITS WITH ME ATTHE PIANO.

>> Stephen: BIG DEAL!

BONO SITS WITH EVERYBODY AT THEPIAPO.

CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SITTING WITHDAVID BOWIE AT A DIDGERIDOO.

I JUST DON'T BUY ANY OF THIS.THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH

ONE WOMAN CAN BE IN SO MANYPLACES AT ONCE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "HILLARY")

>> Stephen: DON'T YOU DARE!

DON'T YOU DARE!

YOU WERE CHANTING MY NAME FOURMINUTES AGO, YOU TWO-TIMERS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

HILLARY CLINTON.

>> NOW WHO'S A NAME DROPPER,STEPHEN?

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?

NAME DROPPER?

THAT'S NOT WHAT MY GOOD FRIENDTOM HANKS CALLS ME.

WHEN WE'RE HANGING OUT AT GEORGECLOONEY'S PLACE.

>> OH, I LOVE GEORGE.

I WISH HE COULD HAVE JOINED USWHEN I HAD LUNCH WITH MERYL

STREEP AND ECUADORIAN PRESIDENTRAFAEL CORREA.

>> OH, RAFI.

HE IS SUCH A CUT-UP, ESPECIALLYWHEN WE GO CAMPING WITH OPRAH.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> OH?

>> DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU?

>> NO, "O" IS JUST WHAT ALL HERREAL FRIENDS CALL OPRAH.

>> Stephen: I KNOW PAULMCCARTNEY

>> I NEGOTIATED WITH HAMIDKARZAI.

>> Stephen: I SHARED ANOFFICE WITH STEVE CARELL.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> I HELD HIGH-LEVEL TALKS WITHCHINESE STATE COUNSELOR

DAI BINGGUO

>> Stephen: WELL, NOW YOU'REJUST MAKING WORDS UP.

I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW, MADAM, IONCE DID AN ENTIRE SHOW WITH

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON.

>> OH!

( APPLAUSE )I HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,

STEPHEN, BUT I'VE MET HIM, TOO.

>> Stephen: GOSH, YOU KNOWEVERYONE!

WHAT KIND OF LOSER DO YOU HAVETO BE TO NOT BE INCLUDED IN YOUR

BOOK?

>> WELL, YOU'RE NOT IN IT,STEPHEN?

>> Stephen: OH, AREN'T I?

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW PRESIDENT OFTURKMENISTAN GURBANGULY

BERD-MUHA-MEADOW ARE NEVER INTHE SAME ROOM AT THE SAME TIME.

>> NO!

>> Stephen: OH, YES.

>> Stephen: AND, MADAM, IT ISNOT JUST YOUR NAME DROPPING I

CALL INTO QUESTION.

I QUESTION YOUR TITLE.

IT'S CALLED "HARD CHOICES."

BUT THERE AREN'T ANY REAL HARDCHOICES IN HERE.

>> WHAT ABOUT NEGOTIATINGFRAGILE ALLIANCES AND TREATIES.

>> Stephen: OH, I'M TALKINGABOUT REAL HARD CHOICES--

ETERNAL QUESTIONS LIKE WHICHWOULD YOU RATHER FIGHT ONE

HORSE-SIZED DUCK OR 100DUCK-SIZED HORSES?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> WELL -->> Stephen: BOOM!

>> NOW, I ADMIT THAT IS A VALIDQUESTION.

HERE'S WHAT I'D DO.

FIRST, I'D TRY TO FIND COMMONGROUND BETWEEN DUCKS AND HORSES.

FOR INSTANCE, THEY BOTH GREW UPON OLD McDONALD'S FARM.

THEN, I'D ESTABLISH A TIMETABLETO ACHIEVE MEANINGFUL HORSE-DUCK

DIALOGUE.

( LAUGHTER )AND, STEPHEN, I'M CONVINCED--

WITH PATIENCE AND A STRONGCOMMITMENT FROM OUR ALLIES, THE

PIGS AND THE GEESE, WE'D HAVEPEACE-PEACE HERE, PEACE-PEACE,

THERE, HERE A PEACE, THERE APEACE, EVERYWHERE A PEACE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: EI-E-I-OH, YOU'REGOOD!

>> AND NOW, STEPHEN, I'VE GOT AHARD CHOICE FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: BRING IT, H.R.C.

>> OH, IT WILL BE BROUGHT.

YOUR CHOICE.

PROMOTE MY BOOK OR I WON'TAPPEAR ON YOUR SHOW.

>> Stephen: BUT YOU HAVEALREADY APPEARED ON MY SHOW.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: NO!

NO!

>>I LEARNED THAT FROM GEORGELUCAS.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: I MET HIM.

HE'S A FRIEND.

WELL, NO ONE WILL KNOW I GOTHILLARY CLINTON ON MY SHOW.

FINE!

FINE!

BUY "HARD CHOICES," AVAILABLE INBOOKSTORES EVERYWHERE THERE ARE

STILL BOOKSTORES.

ON OR OUR WEB SITE DOWN HERE,OKAY?

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: OH, THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

WAS THAT SUCH A HARD CHOICE TOMAKE?

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: YES, IT WAS.

HILLARY CLINTON, EVERYBODY.

"HARD CHOICES."

MADAM SECRETARY, THANK YOU SOMUCH.

>> THANK YOU!

>> Stephen: HILLARY CLINTON,EVERYBODY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

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