Employing a Veteran - Sergeant Bryan Escobedo

  • Aired:  04/11/12
  •  | Views: 20,293

Marine veteran Sergeant Bryan Escobedo learns the ropes of punditry, including silent nods and made-up statistics. (7:38)

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S THE WORD.

BECAUSE, FOLKS, I DO SUPPORT THE TROOPS IN MY OWN WAY.

THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM FACING OUR VETERANS IS TRANSLATING THEIR MILITARY SKILLS INTO CIVILIAN JOBS.

SO I SUPPORTED A VET BY RETRAINING HIM TO DO THE MOST CRUCIAL JOB IN AMERICA-- MINE.

( LAUGHTER ) JIM.

>> TO HELP AMERICA'S VETERANS, I TRAVELED FROM MY OWN STUDIO ALL

THE WAY TO MY OWN STUDIO.

( LAUGHTER ) WHERE I TRAINED UP MARINE VETERAN SERGEANT BRIAN ESCODIDO.

BRIAN, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> GOOD TO MEET YOU.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, YOU READY TO BECOME A PUNDIT?

>> YES, SIR, I'M READY TO DO THIS.

>> Stephen: LET'S GO INTO MY STUDIO TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO IT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, WE'RE LOCKED OUT.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE A KEY?

THAT WILL HELP.

DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER ONE?

THAT ONE FELL.

ONCE INSIDE, I SHOWED BRIAN THE KEY TO POWERFUL PONTIFICATING, A GREAT-LOOKING DESK.

THAT'S THE SEAT THAT THE PUNDIT SITS IN, AND-- NOT QUITE YET.

IT'S A VERY POWERFUL MACHINE BACK HERE.

IT WOULD BE LIKE PUTTING A TODDLER, YOU KNOW, IN THE SEAT OF AN 18-WHEELER.

>> DON'T WANT TO DO THAT YET.

>> Stephen: NO, YOU COULD JACKKNIFE IT.

YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT THESE BOOKS ARE ALL DUCT TAPED TOGETHER BECAUSE I'VE NEVER READ

ONE OF THESE BOOKS, NOT FEBRUARY MY OWN.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS NOT TO READ BOOKS BUT TO HAVE BOOKS.

DID YOU READ MY BOOK?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

>> NO.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: NEXT I WALKED BRIAN THROUGH THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF BROADCAST EXCELLENCE.

I'M LOOKING AT YOUR RESUME HERE,

A FEW WORDS COME IMMEDIATELY TO MIND.

SELFLESSNESS, LEADERSHIP,

COURAGE.

UNFORTUNATELY, NONE OF THOSE APPLY TO PUNDITRY.

( LAUGHTER ) HOW ARE YOU AT NODDING SILENTLY AS IF YOU ARE LISTENING?

>> I AM MARRIED, SO...

( APPLAUSE ).

THINK IT'S BEINGA WELL-INFORMED SWECTUAL

>> Stephen: NO, BEING CONFIDENT ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

OKAY?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE WELL INFORMED.

WHAT ARE YOU AN EXPERT AT IN THE MARINES?

>> EXPLOSIVES.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU AN EXPERT AT AS A PUNDIT?

>> OH, EXPLOSIVES, YOU KNOW-- KNOW --

>> Stephen: NO, YOU ARE AN EXCERPT AT EVERYTHING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE SUBJECT IS.

YOU HAVE AN OPINION, AND THAT OPINION IS THE RIGHT ONE.

IS THAT CLEAR?

>> YES.

ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, ASK ME ASKING ABOUT ANYTHING YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

>> WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF MYANMAR?

>> NOT IN THIS ECONOMY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

>> Stephen: OR DID IT?

>> NO, IT DID NOT.

>> Stephen: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, BRIAN, BECAUSE

THEY'RE CALL "TALKING POINTS." ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT A FEW OF THEM RIGHT HERE.

JUST LOOK INTO THE CAMERA, AND READ THOSE ONE AT A TIME.

>> NOT IN THIS ECONOMY.

>> Stephen: GREAT.

LET'S DO THE NEXT ONE.

>> IN THE HEARTLAND, AVERAGE FOLKS GET IT.

Q. THAT'S GOOD.I TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT YO AVERAGE.

>> I WOULD EXPECT THAT FROM AN ACTIVIST LIBERAL.

>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I'D EXPECT FROM AN ACTIVIST LIBERAL.

LET'S RUN YOU THROUGH THE PACES FACIAL EXPRESSION-WISE.

SHOW ME LISTENING.

( LAUGHTER ) SHOW ME SURPRISE AT WHAT I JUST SAID.

TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH.

YOU'RE NOT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.

( LAUGHTER ).

SO, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

SHOW ME FEAR.

>> I AM INCAPABLE OF SHOWING FEAR.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO MAKE UP STATISTICS IN YOUR ARGUMENT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 53% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE THE TAXES ON THE TOP 1% ARE ALREADY TOO HIGH?

>> I'M NOT SURE THAT IS ACCURATE.

>> Stephen: IT IS NOT.

IT COULD BE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I MADE IT UP.

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING SIDIDN'T GO TOO HIGH WITH MY ( BLEEP ).

ALL RIGHT, I STAYED AT 53% BECAUSE THAT MEANS I'M WINNING BECAUSE A MAJORITY IS ON MY SIDE

BUT IT'S NOT SO HIGH THAT SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GO GOOGLE MY ASS, GOT THAT?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, BRIAN,

MRS. OBAMA LAUNCHED AN INITIATIVE LAST YEAR TO SUMMIT THE TROOPS AND THAT'S WHAT I'M

DOING WITH YOU.

IF SHE COULD JUST HOW HARD I AM SUPPORTING YOU RIGHT NOW, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT SHE WOULD SAY

TO ME.

>> THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO YOUR COUNTRY.

ALL AMERICANS OWE PATRIOTS LIKE YOU A DEBT THAT CAN NEVER BE REPAID.

YOU ARE A TRUE NATIONAL TREASURE.

>> Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU FOR NOTICING, MA'AM.

>> I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU,

STEPHEN.

I'M TALKING TO BRIAN ( APPLAUSE ).

( CHEERS ).

>> Stephen: OH.

>> I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO YOU AND ALL THOSE WHO SERVE OUR COUNTRY.

>> Stephen: ASKING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?

>> YEAH, FROM THIS ANGLE, YOUR HAIR'S GETTING KIND OF THIN?

>> Stephen: WHAT!

REALLY?

>> OH, YEAH.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF SHAVING YOUR HEAD?

>> Stephen: NO!

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO SAY?

>> I DON'T KNOW, STEPHEN.

THIS IS YOUR IMAGINATION.

>> Stephen: WELL, THEN SAY I'M A NATIONAL TREASURE, TOO.

>> OH, SORRY, STEPHEN.

( STATIC ) THE CONNECTION'S BAD.

I MUST BE GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL.

GOTTA GO.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS ).

>> Stephen: HM, I HAVE TO GET A BETTER IMAGINATION.

OF COURSE THE MOST ESSENTIAL COMPOABT OF FULL CONTACT PUNDITRY IS PHYSICAL CONDITIONING.

I PUT BRIAN THROUGH HIS PACES.

COME ON.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

NUMBER ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO ACCUSE THE OTHER PERSON POE, YOU'RE WRONG.

>> NO, YOU'RE WRONG IS THERE NO,

YOU SHUT UP.

>> NO, YOU SHUT UP.

>> Stephen: NOT ONLY CAN YOU CUT SOMEONE'S MIC OFF, YOU CAN SMASH MONEY'S MIC.

GET MY MIC.

WE HAVE BOB, BILL, TOM.

THAT'S LOS ANGELES, THAT'S NEW YORK, THAT'S WASHINGTON, D.C.

ALL RIGHT, KEEP ALL OF THAT IN YOUR MIND.

COME ON!

COME ON!

GET IT!

CUT HIS MIC!

CUT HIS MIC!

YOU SMELL LIKE ROSES.

>> YOU SMELL LIKE ROSES.

>> Stephen: CAMERA TWO.

>> BILL.

>> Stephen: CAM ROONE.

>> TOM.

>> Stephen: CAMERA THREE GIVE ME CAMERA ONE.

>> BOB.

>> Stephen: BILL!

NEVER GIVE IT BACK TO ME.

WHERE'S BOB?

FIND HIM.

>> BOB IS IN NEW YORK.

>> Stephen: BOB IS IN LOS ANGELES!

>> AH!

>> Stephen: WHY WOULD BOB BE IN NEW YORK?

YOU REALLY THINK BOB IS READY TO ANCHOR THE INNING NEWS IN NEW YORK CITY?

YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN, MY FRIEND.

GOOD, GOOD!

GET IT!

THANKS VERY MUCH.

DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, ONE MORE TIME.

READY?

TWO, THREE, ONE, TWO.

WHERE IS TOM?

>> TOM, BOB, BILL.

BOCH.

>> Stephen: THREE, ONE, TWO,

4.

WHOOO!

( CHEERS ) YOU HAVE LEARNED WHICH CAMERA TO TALK AT.

I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO TEACH.

ALL THAT REMAINED FOR BRIAN TO BECOME A PUNDIT WAS LOOKING GREAT IN A SUIT.

NAILED IT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LET'S DO IT, BUDDY.

GET IN THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU FEEL THAT POWER WELL ENOUGH THROUGH YOUR BUTTOCKS?

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY?

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.

GET OUT THE

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