Colbert Super PAC - Ham Rove's Secrets

  • Aired:  09/29/11
  •  | Views: 38,301

Stephen thanks some of the more diverse heroes and turns to Ham Rove for the scoop on American Crossroads' drastically improved fundraising strategy. (5:06)

THAT FACE

( LAUGHTER )

SPEAKING OF ( BLEEP ) GRINS,

COLBERT'S SUPERPAC, THANKS TO

THE SUPREME COURT'S CITIZENSES

UNITED RULING, SUPERPACS CAN

TAKE UNLIMBED DONATIONS AS LONG

AS HAY DON'T COORDINATE WITH

CAMPAIGNS, AND THEY REVEAL THEIR

DONORS, AS I HAVE WITH MY CRAWL

OF HEROES DOWN HERE.

( LAUGHTER )

AND I HAVE BEEN MOVED BY THE

DIVERSITY OF THE DONORS, FOLKS.

SCOTTISH AMERICANS, LIKE IRON

BALLS MCGINTY.

INDIAN AMERICANS LIKE M'BALZ ES

HARI.

AND GREEK MEMBERS OF THE COLBERTíMu|

NATION LIKE LOVEPORN

COCKONOPOLIS.

AND OF COURSE, A HEARTY THANK

YOU TO DONOR POOP GIGGLE, WHO

CLEARLY HAILS FROM THE NATION OF

KINDERGARTENSTAN.

SO HOW MUCH HAVE YOU GIVEN?

LET'S JUST SAY WE'RE INTO

NUMBERS I WOULDN'T WANT TO SERVE

IN A FEDERAL PRISON.

SO HERE IS A HEARTFELT TOAST TO

BEING THE KING OF PACS.

I JUST FEEL BAD FOR THE PREVIOUS

KING, TRANSLUCENT AMERICAN, KARL

ROVE, WHOSE PAC AMERICAN

CROSSROADS MUST LOOK PRETTY

PATHETIC RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

JIMMY, SHOW ME HOW KARL IS DOINGJ's4 6CJ

WHILE I UNSUSPECTINGLY FILL MY

FOOT AND MOUTH WITH CHAMPAGNE.

>> LAST YEAR, AMERICAN

CROSSROADS WAS COMMITTED TO

RAISING $120 MILLION BUT THEY

HAVE A NEW TARGET-- $240 MILLION

MILLION.

( LAUGHTER )

>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

OH, MY GOD.

( LAUGHTER )

SORRY, THAT WAS A SPIT-TAKE

FLASH BACK.

HOW DOES KARL DO IT?

I'D ASK HIM BUT, YOU KNOW, KARL

IS SHY.

HE DOESN'T DO TELEVISION, WHERE

THE RARE EXCEPTION OF EVERY SHOW

ON FOX NEWS

( LAUGHTER )

SO ONCE AGAIN, FOR THE SCOOP, I

TURN TO THE CLOSEST THING TO

KARL ROVE, A PAIR OF GLASSES ON

A HAM LOAF.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

ñ

HAM LOAF, THANK YOU FOR JOINING

US.

NOW, HOW DID YOU RAISE ALL THAT

MONEY?

( LAUGHTER )

NOTHING, NOTHING.

MAN, HE-- HE IS TOUGH.

BUT LUCKILY, HE IS ALSO TENDER.

( LAUGHTER )

YOU SEE, FOLKES, I'M IRISH, AND

MY PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT IF YOU

EAT A HAM IN THE SHAPE OF YOUR

RIVAL'S HEAD, YOU GAIN ALL THEIR

KNOWLEDGE.

( LAUGHTER )

AND ALL THEIR SODIUM, TOO.

HERE GOES.

MMM.

AAAHHHH!gw

I AM KARL ROVE'S MEMORIES.

HIS HOUSE HAS A LOT OF

FULL-LENGTH MIRRORS, AND HIS

BATH ROBE HAS NO SASH.

NO!

NO!

OH!

OH!

OKAY, OKAY.

NOW I KNOW, AMERICAN CROSSROADS

EVIDENTLY WAS FORMED IN MARCH OF

2010.

AT THE TIME, THEY PROMISED "WE

HAVE CREATED AN ORGANIZATION

THAT WILL BE HIGHLY TRANSPARENT,

AND WITH THAT TRANSPARENCY,

DURING THE ENTIRE MONTH OF MAY

2010, AMERICAN CROSSROADS RAISED

EXACTLY $200.

( LAUGHTER )

EVIDENTLY, AMERICAN CROSSROADS

HAD PASSED GO.

( LAUGHTER )

SO IN JUNE, ROVE CREATED A

SISTER GROUP CALLED CROSSROADS

G.P.S., BUT UNLIKE YOUR CAR'S

G.P.S., THIS ONE ONLY SAYS.

>> TURN RIGHT, TURN RIGHT, TURN

FURTHER RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: YOU SEE, YOU SEE,

CROSSROADS G.P.S. ISN'T A PACK.

IT'S SOMETHING CALLED A 501-C-4,

WHICH DOES NOT REQUIRE DONOR

DISCLOSURE.

IT'S LIKE A SECRET SANTA.

IF SANTA WANTED TO WEAKEN

ENVIRONMENTAL REGULATIONS, AND

WHILE AMERICAN CROSSROADS RAISED

ONLY $200 IN MAY, IN JUNE OF

THAT YEAR, CROSSROADS

G.P.S. BROUGHT IN $5.1 MILLION.

THAT'S AN INCREASE OF 2,550,000

2,550,000%.

( LAUGHTER )

THOSE ARE NUMBERS USUALLY SEEN

ONLY IN E-MAILS FOR BONER PILLS

( LAUGHTER )

CLEARLY, SHE'S C-4s HAVE

CREATED AN UNPRECEDENTED,

UNACCOUNTABLE, UNTRACEABLE CASH

TSUNAMI THAT WILL INFECT EVERY

CORNER OF THE NEXT ELECTION.

AND I FEEL LIKE AN

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