ThreatDown - Commie Unicorns & Foreman Barbie

  • Aired:  12/11/12
  •  | Views: 20,762

North Korean unicorns attract impressionable American girls to communism while Barbie spearheads the mancession. (4:46)

-- IF I HAVE TO.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, THERE'S A DANGER LURKING AROUND EVERY CORNER.

THAT'S WHY I SAY WE MUST START MAKING ALL OF OUR BUILDINGS ROUND.

(LAUGHTER) THIS IS THE THREAT DOWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FIRST UP, FOLKS, I ALWAYS KEEP WATCH ON OUR INTERNATIONAL

ENEMIES, ESPECIALLY NORTH KOREA.

AND THEIR DEAR LEADER KIM JONG-UN.

IN MY BOOK HE IS PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER UN.

(LAUGHTER) SO I WAS TERRIFIED TO LEARN THAT PYONGYANG'S HISTORY INSTITUTE OF THE D.P.R.K. ACADEMY OF SOCIAL

SCIENCES MADE THIS SHOCKING DISCOVERY.

>> AN EYEBROW-RAISING ANNOUNCEMENT OUT OF NORTH KOREA.

THE STATE NEWS AGENCY THERE CLAIMS THAT ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAVE JUST LOCATED AN ANCIENT UNICORN LAIR.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

NORTH KOREA HAS UNICORN TECHNOLOGY.

(LAUGHTER) THEY SAID I WAS CRAZY WHEN I CALLED FAR GLITTER DEFENSE SHIELD ARMED WITH BALLISTIC

SPARKLEY STICKERS.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, THIS BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER TWO, COMMIE UNICORNS.

(LAUGHTER) THIS IS A HUGE BOON TO NORTH KOREA.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE THERE HAS FINALLY FOUND A SOURCE OF PROTEIN.

TO MAKE THIS EARTH-SHATTERING DISCOVERY, NORTH KOREAN ARCHAEOLOGISTS HAD TO TRAVEL 200

METERS FROM A TEMPLE IN THE CAPITAL CITY PYONGYANG AND THEN LOOK DOWN TO SEE A RECTANGULAR

ROCK CARVED WITH THE WORDS "UNICORN LAIR." (LAUGHTER) IT MAKES SENSE IT'S LABELED, HOW

ELSE WOULD THE MAILMAN KNOW WHERE TO DELIVER THE RAINBOWS?

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, LISTEN TO ME HERE THIS HAS DANGEROUS GEOPOLITICAL RAMIFICATIONS BECAUSE IT GIVES

HISTORICAL LEGITIMACY TO THE REGIME OF KIM JONG-UN BY LINKING HIM TO AN ANCIENT RULER WHO

ACCORDING TO KOREA'S HISTORY BOOKS ROAD A UNICORN AND, AS A KEY QLAN, HE ROAD IT GANGNAM STYLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ONE SECOND, I JUST WANT TO WRITE DOWN THE LAST TIME I AM LEGALLY

ALLOWED TO REFERENCE GANGNAM STYLE.

(LAUGHTER) GET THAT OFF TO THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HERE'S THE DANGER, FOLKS THIS WILL ATTRACT IMPRESSIONABLE AMERICAN GIRLS TO COMMUNISM.

LOOK AT THIS TRADITIONAL RENDERING OF A NORTH KOREAN UNICORN.

WHAT LITTLE GIRL WOULDN'T LOVE TO CUDDLE UP WITH A CATFISH FACED REPTILIAN HORSE BEAST?

(LAUGHTER) DON'T DO IT, GIRLS!

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT BETTER MYTHICAL CREATURES RIGHT HERE IN AMERICA LIKE BIG FOOT!

OR A MODERATE REPUBLICAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY, IT COULD BE OUT THERE.

MAYBE DAVID BROOKS WILL LET YOU BRAID HIS HAIR.

(LAUGHTER) NEXT UP THE RECESSION HIT MEN PARTICULARLY HARD AND THIS MANSESSION HAS AFFECTED

TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES.

WITH THE COLLAPSE OF HOME BUILDING FORMER CONSTRUCTION WORKERS ARE STAYING HOME WITH

THEIR KIDS AND ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK TIMES" SOME RETAILERS ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS TREND.

>> BARBIE HAS A NEW ACCESSORY AND IT'S A TOOL BELT.

THE "NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTS MATTEL IS INTRODUCING A CONSTRUCTION SET FOR BARBIE.

>> Stephen: FOLKS A CONSTRUCTION SET IS NO PLACE FOR BARBIE, THOSE ERECTOR SET WORKERS ARE

GOING TO CAT CALL HER AND ASK HER TO BACK IT UP LIKE A TONKA TRUCK.

(LAUGHTER) WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER ONE: FOREMAN BARBIE.

I'M SORRY BUT I'M AGAINST THIS NEW MEGABLOCKS CONSTRUCTION SET BARBIE.

SHE CAN'T OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY.

BARBIE'S ANKLES AREN'T EVEN LOAD BEARING.

(LAUGHTER) BESIDES, KEN HAS MORE CARPENTRY EXPERIENCE.

REMEMBER, HE LOST HIS GENITALS IN A TABLE SAW ACCIDENT.

AND FOLKS THAT'S -- OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHY THERE'S A MANSESSION, BARBIE HERE IS

HOGGING ALL THE JOBS SHE'S A DOCTOR, AN ASTRONAUT, A RACE CAR DRIVER, A POLICE OFFICER, A

FLIGHT ATTENDANT, A COMPUTER ENGINEER, A FIREFIGHTER, A DENTIST, A PAIL I DON'T KNOW

TOLGSZ AND A FOX NEWS ANCHOR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO BARBIE, LEAVE THESE JOBS FOR THE FELLAS.

YOU'RE GIVING MEN A BAD SELF-IMAGE AND YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO

Loading...