Government Shutdown's One-Week Anniversary

  • Aired:  10/07/13
  •  | Views: 183,241

President Obama refuses to negotiate with some very flexible Republicans, and political leaders insist that the shutdown is "not some damn game." (5:12)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

"REPORT," EVERYBODY!

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT."

RIGHT OFF THE BAT, LADIES ANDGENTLEMEN, NATION, I HAVE JUST

RECEIVED BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THEGOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

GOVERNMENT, STILL SHUT DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)IN FACT, MIDNIGHT TONIGHT IS THE

SHUTDOWN'S ONE-WEEK ANNIVERSARYAND I PLAN ON MARKING THE

OCCASION BY POPPING A BOTTLE OFBUBBLEY.

NOT CHAMPAGNE, MILK.

(LAUGHTER)FOOD INSPECTORS HAVE BEEN

FURLOUGHED AND --(LAUGHTER)

-- FOR SOME REASON MY MILK ISBUBBLING NOW.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, EVER SINCE REPUBLICANS

VOTED FOR THIS SHUTDOWN THEYHAVE KNOWN EXACTLY WHO'S

RESPONSIBLE.

>> THIS IS PRESIDENT BARACKOBAMA'S SHUTDOWN.

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA'S SHUTDOWN.

>> THE OBAMA SHUTDOWN.

>> YOU WANT MY OPINION?

THIS IS PRESIDENT OBAMA'SSHUTDOWN.

>> Stephen: YES, IF YOU WANT STUVARNEY'S OPINION THIS IS

PRESIDENT OBAMA'S SHUTDOWN!

AND IF YOU WANT STU VARNEY'SFACTS, WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO

STU VARNEY?

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT IS

STUBBORNLY REFUSING TO NEGOTIATEON OBAMACARE EVEN THOUGH THE

REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN VERYFLEXIBLE.

>> I'D LIKE TO REPEAL EVERY WORDOF THE LAW.

BUT THAT WASN'T MY POSITION EVENIN THIS FIGHT.

MY POSITION IN THIS FIGHT WAS WESHOULD DEFUND IT.

EVEN NOW WITH THE WHAT THE HOUSEOF REPRESENTATIVES HAS DONE IS A

STEP REMOVED FROM DEFUNDING.

IT'S DELAYING.

>> WE'VE BEEN PRETTY REASONABLEAS WE'VE WORKED THROUGH THIS

PROCESS.

I'VE HEARD THE REFERENCE TO AFULL DELAY OR A FULL REPEAL.

NOW WE'RE JUST SAYINGMR. PRESIDENT, CAN WE NOT JUST

HAVE ONE-YEAR DELAY?

>> WE SAID, WELL, WHAT ABOUT AONE-YEAR DELAY?

WE'VE BEEN OFFERING COMPROMISEAFTER COMPROMISE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOU HEAR FROM THE PRESIDENT

AND HIS MEN AND HIS WOMEN NONEGOTIATION.

>> Stephen: NO NEGOTIATION, EVENTHOUGH EVERY ONE OF THOSE OFFERS

IS A COMPROMISE FROM THEREPUBLICANS' INITIAL OFFER--

HAVING MITT ROMNEY BE PRESIDENT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)-- SURPRISE SURPRISE, OBAMA

WOULDN'T NEGOTIATE ON THAT,EITHER.

(LAUGHTER)BUT ONE THING EVERYONE CAN AGREE

ON IS THAT THIS IS SERIOUSBUSINESS.

>> WE HAVE TO STOP PLAYING THESEFOOLISH GAMES.

>> WE HOPE THAT OUR DEMOCRATICCOLLEAGUES WILL STOP WITH THE

GAMES.

>> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE NOTPAWNS IN SOME POLITICAL GAME.

>> THIS ISN'T SOME DAMN GAME!

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT!

THIS ISN'T SOME DAMN GAME!

IT'S THIS DAMN GAME: INTRODUCING"NOT A GAME."

(LAUGHTER)THE OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

HOME GAME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FROM THE MAKERS OF "NOT STORY"

AND "OPERATION DENIED DUE TOPREEXISTING CONDITION."

(LAUGHTER)FOR PETE'S SAKE, WHAT INSURANCE

COMPANY WOULD COVER GUY BORNWHAT LIGHTBULB FOR A NOSE.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, FOLKS, NOT A GAME HAS

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO REPLICATETHE FUN OF THE REAL GOVERNMENT

SHUTDOWN.

OKAY, YOU SEE, THE DEMOCRATS AREA DONKEY, REPUBLICANS ARE AN

ELEPHANT AND THE TEA PARTY IS ABUG UP THE ELEPHANT'S ASS.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, THE SPOT -- THIS SPOT RIGHT

OVER HERE, THIS IS THECONTINUING RESOLUTION.

YOU HAVE TO TRY TO PASS THAT.

NOW, WHILE THIS TIMER RIGHT HEREREPRESENTS THE FAST-APPROACHING

DEBT CEILING, SO YOU SET THATAND THEN IGNORE IT.

(LAUGHTER)AND THESE ARE PUBLIC OPINION

CARDS THAT SAY HOW YOU'REPOLLING WITH THE VOTERS.

OKAY?

LET'S GIVE IT A WHIRL.

BRENDAN, GET ON OUT HERE.

BRENDAN, EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)OKAY, BRENDAN.

BRENDAN, ARE YOU READY TO PLAY?

>> OKAY, HOW DO WE START?

>> Stephen: THE RULES ARE I GOFIRST AND I REFUSE TO TAKE MY

TURN.

(LAUGHTER)AND YOU CAN'T TAKE YOURS UNTIL

I'M DONE.

>> WHAT?

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE UPSETBUT WE'RE BOTH AT FAULT HERE SO

LET'S NEGOTIATE, OKAY?

I WILL AGREE TO TAKE MY TURN IFYOU AGREE THAT I WIN.

>> THAT'S NOT FAIR!

WHY EVEN PLAY THE GAME?

>> Stephen: IT'S NOT A DAMN GAMEBRENDAN!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)PEOPLE'S JOBS ARE AT STAKE HERE.

FOR INSTANCE, YOUR DAD.

I FIRED HIM.

>> YOU DID?

>> Stephen: YES, HE IS NOTGETTING HIS JOB BACK UNLESS YOU

AGREE TO PLAY WITH ME.

>> FINE, I'LL PLAY.

JUST GO!

>> Stephen: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

SO I MOVE ONE SPACE AND I WIN.

NOW, I JUST TAKE A PUBLICOPINION CARD TO SEE WHAT VOTERS

THINK OF ME AND "PUBLIC BLAMESYOU."

GODDAMNIT!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)GET OUT!

GET OUT, YOU CHEATER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU TELL YOUR DAD I'LL

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