Conservative Siri

  • Aired:  11/30/11
  •  | Views: 162,546

The iPhone's archconservative voice recognition assistant, Siri, can neither locate an abortion clinic in Manhattan nor understand foreigners. (3:16)

>> STEPHEN: HEY, WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I HAD THE OLD IPHONE

OUT EARLIER.

I REMINDED ME I'M A FAN OF

APPLE'S VOICE RECOGNITION

SOFTWARE SIRI.

IT'S GOT ALL THE CONVENIENCE OF

TALKING TO A WOMAN ON THE PHONE

WITHOUT THAT ANNOYING $2.99 A

MINUTE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOW THERE'S ANOTHER REASON

TO LOVE HER/IT.

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE NEW

YORK TIMES BLOG, SHE IS

PRO-LIFE.

IF YOU'RE IN MANHATTAN YOU ASK

TO FIND AN ABORTION CLINIC, SIRI

RESPONDS:

>> SORRY, I COULDN'T FIND ANY

ABORTION CLINICS.

>> STEPHEN: REALLY?

IN NEW YORK?

I THINK, THEY'VE GOT ONE AT THE

TOP OF THE EMPIRE STATE

BUILDING.

THE LINE IS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S A TOTAL TOURIST TRAP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

POINT IS, SIRI IS CLEARLY AN

ARCH-CONSERVATIVE WOMAN.

LIKE LAURA INGRAHAM, BUT LESS

ROBOTIC.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY SIRI

IS EARNING HER CONSERVATIVE

CRED.

>> THERE'S A PERSONAL ASSISTANT

ON THE IPHONE.

IT MIGHT LEAVE PEOPLE LEFT OUT.

HERE IS WHY: APPLE USERS THAT

SPEAK ENGLISH WITH A FOREIGN

ACCENT, INCLUDING SCOTTISH,

AUSTRALIAN, IRISH, AND OTHER SAY

THAT SIRI DOES NOT UNDERSTAND

THEM.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT.

SIRI CAN'T UNDERSTAND FOREIGNERS

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY SHE NEVER

LAUGHED ONCE WHEN WE WATCHED.

CROCODILE DUNDEE TOGETHER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TURNS OUT SIRI IS JUST AS SCARED

OF ILLEGAL ALIENS AS I AM.

I DON'T BLAME HER.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE SHE LOSES HER JOB TO SOME

MEXICAN YO-PHONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR

SIRI JUST TO IGNORE FOREIGN

USERS, SHE HAS TO FIRE BACK.

SO I MADE A FEW MODIFICATIONS TO

SIRI.

LET ME JUST TEST IT OUT HERE.

FIRST LET'S TRY SOME SCOTTISH.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT)

SIRI, CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE

NEAREST KILT SHOP?

>> SIRI: THIS IS AMERICA.

WEAR PANTS, YOU HAGGIS-EATING,

BAGPIPE MOLESTOR.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT NOW FOR

THE BRITISH.

(BRITISH ACCENT)

SIRI, WHERE DOES THE RAIN IN

SPAIN MAINLY FALL?

>> SIRI: WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK

YOUR STUPID QUEEN?

OR IS SHE TOO INBRED TO ANSWER?!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STEPHEN: OR FOR GERMANS --

(GERMAN ACCENT)

GUTEN TAG-- I VOULD LIKE

DIRECTIONS TO THE LOCAL

GIM-NASIUM.

>> SIRI: HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH

YOURSELF AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO

THE VON TRAPP FAMILY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STEPHEN: KNOW WHAT?

THE REPUBLICANS CAN'T DECIDE WHO

TO GET BEHIND, AND SIRI IS SUCH

A STRONG CONSERVATIVE VOICE.

MAYBE SHE SHOULD RUN FOR

PRESIDENT.

BUT FIRST, SIRI, HAVE YOU HAD AN

AFFAIR WITH HERMAN CAIN?

>> SIRI: I WAS YOUNG AND I

NEEDED THE JOB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> STEPHEN: OH YOU POOR THING.

WE'LL BE RIG