ThreatDown - Planet Gay, World Wide Wood & Junkie Bears

  • Aired:  05/13/13
  •  | Views: 26,823

The French Parliament approves gay marriage, customers order Viagra online, and bears pass out after huffing jet fuel. (4:47)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BARKS

EVERYBODY.

THANKS SO MUCH.

NATION, NEVER THROW CAUTION TO

THE WIND.

IT WILL WHIP BACK IN YOUR EYES

AND BLIND YOU.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

FOLKS, ANYBODY WHO WATCHES THIS

SHOW KNOWS FOR YEARS NOW I'VE

BEEN WARNING THAT GAY MARRIAGE

IS TAKING OVER THE NATION.

LAST WEEK DELAWARE AND RHODE

ISLAND LEGALIZED IT.

WHEN THOSE TWO STATES DO

SOMETHING, THE REST OF THE

NATION TAKES NOTICE AND SAYS,

"OH, YEAH, I'VE HEARD OF THOSE

STATES.

"WELL NOW BRACE YOURSELF.

BECAUSE THE EPIDEMIC IS

SPREADING.

>> THE FRENCH PARLIAMENT

APPROVED SAME SEX MARRIAGE

MAKING FRANCE THE 14th

COUNTRY TO DO SO.

>> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS ME TO

THREAT NUMBER 3.

PLANET GAY.

HERE WE GO, FOLKS.

FIRST, THEY TELL US THE EARTH'S

NOT FLAT.

NOW WE'RE FINDING OUT IT'S NOT

STRAIGHT EITHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SURPRISED

BY THE NEWS IN FRANCE ANYTHING

GOES.

FREAKY THREE WAYS, BEAUTIES

SHACKING UP WITH BEASTS,

CANDELABRAS GETTING BUSY WITH

FEATHER DUSTERS.

NO, I WILL NOT BE YOUR GUEST.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, I DON'T HAVE TO

TELL YOU THAT AMERICA HAS LOST

ITS MORAL FOOTING.

TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW

WHERE THAT FOOT HAS BEEN.

SADLY, THESE FORCES OF

CORRUPTION AREN'T JUST CONTENT

WITH KEEPING US DOWN.

NOW, THEY ALSO WANT TO KEEP US

UP.

>> GETTING THAT LITTLE BLUE PILL

IS EASIER THAN EVER.

>> PFIZER IS GOING TO START

OFFERING IT FOR SALE ON THE WEB

DIRECT TO CONSUMERS.

>> IT'S THE FIRST TIME A

PRESCRIPTION DRUG IS BEING SOLD

DIRECTLY BY THE MANUFACTURER.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW YOU CAN ORDER VIAGRA ONLINE

STRAIGHT FROM THE MANUFACTURER

ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

2.

WORLDWIDE WOOD.

LOOK,...

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

LOOK, FOLKS.

I'M NO PREUD.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU GET YOUR

BONER PILL.

BUT ORDERING VIAGRA DIRECTLY

FROM PFIZER IS A JOB-KILLER FOR

ALL THE PEOPLE YOU MEET EVERY

DAY IN YOUR EMAILS.

HONEST, HARD WORKING AMERICANS

LIKE CANYON GREGARIOUS, HESBERT

C QUESTION MARK AND HOWEVER YOU

PRONOUNCE THIS.

THESE FOLKS ARE JUST TRYING TO

PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE FOR THEIR

FAMILIES BY MAKING YOU "LAST

HARD LONG SO LADIES GO WANT MORE

ON SEX TIME."

IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE GOING TO

FIND JOBS NOW?

ALL THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IS FLOOD

YOUR INBOX WITH UNWANTED PLEAS

FOR MONEY.

AND THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, THE

OBAMA CAMPAIGN'S NOT HIRING

ANYMORE.

FINALLY, FOLKS, YOU DON'T GET

THOSE EMAILS?

FINALLY, IF YOU DON'T KNOW BY

NOW THAT BEARS ARE GODLESS

KILLING MACHINES, CHANCES ARE

YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN A CAVE IN

WHICH CASE YOU HAVE PROBABLY

BEEN EATEN BY A BEAR.

BUT AS IF THESE

SALMON-SLAUGHTERERS WEREN'T

TERRIFYING ENOUGH, NEW REPORTS

REFEEL THAT RUSSIAN BEARS ARE

HOOKED ON JET FUEL WHICH THEY

HAVE TAKEN TO HUFFING FROM OLD

BARRELS UNTIL THEY GET WOOZY AND

DIG SHALLOW HOLES WHERE THEY

PASS OUT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

THAT'S RIGHT.

BEARS ARE GETTING HELLA CRUNKED

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE NUMBER

ONE THREAT: JUNKIE BEARS.

TODAY THESE BEARS ARE CHASING

THE UNLEADED DRAGON IN EASTERN

RUSSIA'S KRONOTSKY NATURE

RESERVE.

BUT IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE YOUR CHILD GETS A 14-HOUR

BEDTIME STORY READ TO IT BY A

TWEAKED-OUT TEDDY RUXPIN.

NO SURPRISE, FOLKS, THESE PHOTOS

OF MAN'S ONLY PREDATOR JUNKED

OUT ON GAS FUMES HAVE GONE VIRAL

ON THE INTERNET.

AND THOSE PICTURES ARE GOING TO

FOLLOW THEM FOREVER.

GOOD LANDING THAT INTERNSHIP AT

J.P. MORGAN NOW, GENTLE BEN.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

BEFORE THIS BEAR STONER CULTURE

SPREADS AND WE START SEEING

MOVIES LIKE BEAROAL AND KUMAR

DEVOUR EVERYONE IN A WHITE

CASTLE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.