Cap'n Crunch Scandal

  • Aired:  06/19/13
  •  | Views: 49,142

If Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch is lying about his U.S. naval rank, what else is he lying about? (4:03)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

"REPORT," GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH

US.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN").

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

FOLKS, IF YOU ARE A LONG-TIME

WATCHER OF THIS PROGRAM -- I

MEAN, IF YOU REALLY KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW --

PLEASE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, LONG TIME VIEWERS OF THIS

SHOW WILL KNOW THERE IS NO

BIGGER SUPPORTER OF THE MILITARY

THAN YOURS TRULY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FELLA AT

THE END OF THIS BUSINESS.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S WHY AT THE SLIGHTEST HINT

OF WORLD CONFLICT I AM ALWAYS

THE FIRST TO YELL "LET'S GO TO

WAR!"

AND "OW, MY BACK!"

(LAUGHTER)

BUT A HUGE MILITARY SCANDAL HAS

JUST BROKEN AND IT'S REALLY

SHAKEN MY TRUST IN OUR FIGHTING

FORCES.

>> CAP'N CRUNCH APPARENTLY ONLY

HAS THREE STRIPES AND A WRITER

FOR WWW.FOOD'S BE.COM SAYING IF

YOU LOOK AT THE NAVY'S CAPTAIN

RANK SHOULD HAVE FOUR STRIPES.

A COMMANDER HAS THREE SO HE'S

NOT A CAPTAIN AT ALL.

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT!

IT TURNS OUT ALL THIS TIME THIS

CAP'N WAS ACTUALLY A COMMANDRA.

(LAUGHTER)

OH CAP'N MY CAP'N.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW COULD YOU?

THIS WHOLE TIME YOU'VE BEEN PART

OF A BALANCED BETRAYAL!

(LAUGHTER)

THE ONLY REASON I ATE A SERIAL

THAT LOOKED LIKE THE ROTTEN

TEETH OF A PIRATE ON SHORE LEAVE

WAS BECAUSE I WAS LED TO BELIEVE

THAT HE WAS AN ACTIVE DUTY U.S.

NAVAL CAPTAIN!

I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPORTING THE

TROOPS.

(LAUGHTER)

IF HORATIO MAGELLAN CRUNCH--

LOOK IT UP--

(LAUGHTER)

IS LYING ABOUT THIS, WHAT ELSE

IS HE LYING ABOUT, FOLKS?

ARE CRUNCHBERRIES NOT ACTUAL

FRUIT?

(LAUGHTER)

DID HE REALLY DEFEAT SOGGIES?

AND IS THERE ANY TRUTH TO THE

DISTURBING RUMORS THAT IN THE

1940s HE WAS KNOWN AS KIPTAN

VON KRUNCH?

THE MOST FEARED U-BOAT CAPTAIN

IN THE FUHRER'S KRIEGSMARINE?

I HOPE NOT!

I SURE HOPE NOT!

NOW, CRUNCH HAS TRIED TO PUT

THIS STORY TO REST BY ACTUALLY

TWEETING TODAY "REGARDING

TODAY'S RUMORS, OF COURSE I'M A

CAP'N.

IT'S THE CRUNCH, NOT THE

CLOTHES, THAT MAKE A MAN."

(LAUGHTER)

HASHTAG PAIDMYDUES.

HASHTAG BULL (BLEEP).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I BET YOU ANYTHING HE DIDN'T PAY

HIS DUES.

I BET HE SENT IN TEN BOX TOPS.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, I AM CALLING FOR A

CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATION!

HOW FAR DOES THIS SERIAL SCANDAL

SPREAD?

IS GENERAL MILLS JUST A COLONEL?

(LAUGHTER)

IS COUNT CHOCULA JUST

MR. CHOCULA?

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHAT ABOUT FROSTED FLAKES.

WE WILL FIND OUT THEY'RE

ADEQUATE?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST HOPE AND PRAY -- I JUST

HOPE THIS SCANDAL DOESN'T SPREAD

TO THE NUMBER-ONE CHILDREN'S

SERIAL MASCOT, KASHI GOOD

FRIENDS.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK WE DESERVE TO KNOW.

ARE THEY REALLY GOOD FRIENDS WHO

ENJOY HIGH FIBER?

OR ARE THEY JUST BUSINESS

ASSOCIATES WHO SYNCHRONIZE THEIR

BOWL MOVEMENTS FOR MARKETING

PURPOSES

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