NSA Press Conference on Domestic Spying

  • Aired:  08/15/13
  •  | Views: 35,870

Edward Snowden ruined President Obama's plan to throw a surprise transparency party. (4:57)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

HELLO TO ALL OF YOU HERE IN

THE STUDIO WATCHING FROM

HOME OR READING MY PROMPTER

AT THE NSA.

SPOILER ALERT, GUYS, THIS IS

THE NEXT SENTENCE.

NOW IT'S NO SECRET I'M IN

FAVOR OF GOVERNMENT

SURVEILLANCE.

IT'S CERTAINLY NO SECRET

FROM THE GOVERNMENT.

BUT EVER SINCE THE LEAKS

FROM NSA TRADER AND GUESTS

AT YOUR WEDDING IT NO ONE

SEEMS TO KNOW, EDWARD

SNOWDEN, WE'VE ALL HAD

QUESTIONS ABOUT DOMESTIC

FINES, HOW MUCH DO THEY KNOW

ABOUT IT AS MUCH AS FACEBOOK

OR NOTHING AT ALL BECAUSE

THEY'RE USING GOOGLE PLUS.

WELL, I HAVE TO HAND IT TO

THE PRESIDENT FOR ADDRESSING

AMERICA'S CONCERNS LAST WEEK

ON THE NBC NIGHTLY LENO.

>> THERE IS NO SPYING ON

AMERICANS.

WE DON'T HAVE A DOMESTIC

SPYING PROGRAM.

>> Stephen: SEE, NO DOMESTIC

SPYING PROGRAM.

BECAUSE IT'S CLEARLY NOT DOM

ES AT THIS KATED.

IT'S NOT EVEN HOUSEBROKEN.

LOOK AT ALL THE LEAKS.

THE POINT IS THEY'RE NOT

SPYING ON US, END OF STORY.

NOW THE REST OF THE STORY IS

THAT THE PRESIDENT GAVE US

MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE

PROGRAM THAT WE DON'T HAVE

AT A SECRET PRESS

CONFERENCE.

SECRET IN THAT IT WAS HELD

AT 3 P.M. ON A FRIDAY IN

AUGUST.

BY THEN WOLF BLITZER IS

ALREADY THREE MARGARITAS

DEEP IN THE SITUATIONAR.

AND-- THAT WAS GOOD, THAT

WAS FUN.

AND NATION, THE PRESIDENT

HAS HEARD YOUR CALLS FOR

MORE OVERSIGHT.

IN FACT, HE'S HEARD ALL YOUR

CALLS.

BUT MAYBE JUST MAYBE NOT ANY

MORE.

>> WE'RE FORMING A HIGH

LEVEL GROUP OF OUTSIDE

EXPERTS TO REVIEW OUR ENTIRE

INTELLIGENCE AND

COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGIES.

I'M TASKING THIS INDEPENDENT

GROUP TO STEP BACK AND

REVIEW OUR CAPABILITIES.

>> Stephen: SEE, OUTSIDE

EXPERTS, INDEPENDENT GROUPS,

WHICH WILL BE CLOSE ENBY

INDEPENDENT OUTSIDE DIRECTOR

OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE

JAMES-- THE GUY WHO LIED TO

CONGRESS ABOUT THE SPYING

PROGRAM FIVE MONTHS AGO, BUT

ASSURED US THAT HE WAS BEING

THE LEAST UNTRUTHFUL HE

COULD.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I AM CONFIDENT, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, I'M CONFIDENT

THAT THE GROUP'S REPORT WILL

CONTAIN THE MOST TRANSPARENT

BLOEP BLOEP LEGALLY ALLOWED.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL THIS NEW REVIEWING AND

OVERSIGHTING IS IMPORTANT TO

REASSURE THE PUBLIC AS THE

PRESIDENT EXPLAINED IN TERMS

WE CAN ALL UNDERSTAND.

>> IF I TELL MICHELLE THAT I

DID THE DISHES, NOW GRANTED

IN THE WHITE HOUSE I DON'T

DO THE DISHES THAT MUCH.

BUT BACK IN THE DAY, AND SHE

IS A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

WELL, I WOULD LIKE HER TO

TRUST ME BUT MAYBE I NEED TO

BRING HER BACK AND SHOW HER

THE DISHES.

AND NOT JUST HAVE HER TAKE

MY WORD FOR IT.

>> Stephen: AND FOLKS, I CAN

UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WOULD BE

SKEPTICAL.

BECAUSE HE JUST WENT ON LENO

AND SAID WE DON'T HAVE A

DOMESTIC DISH PROGRAM.

NOW BOTTOM LINE-- BOTTOM

LINE, FOLKS, I BELIEVE WHAT

THE PRESIDENT IS TRYING TO

SAY IS THAT OUR DISHWASHERS

ARE RECORDING EVERYTHING WE

SAY.

NOW TO BE CLEAR--

(APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: YES.

NOW TO BE CLEAR THESE

REFORMS HAD NOTHING TO DO

WITH THE DISCLOSURES OF

EDWARD SNOWDEN.

>> I CALLED FOR A THOROUGH

REVIEW OF OUR SURVEILLANCE

OPERATIONS BEFORE

MR. SNOWDEN MADE THESE

LEAKS.

I ACTUALLY THINK WE WOULD

HAVE GOTTEN TO THE SAME

PLACE.

>> YEAH, HE CALLED FOR THESE

A LONG TIME AGO.

HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO THE

SAME PLACE WHICH MEANS THAT

ED SNOWDEN HAS RUINED THE

PRESIDENT'S SURPRISE.

BARACK OBAMA, BARACK OBAMA

WAS PLANNING ALL ALONG TO

THROW A BIG

TRANSPARENT-- TRANSPARENCY

PARTY AND HOLD THE SAME

PRESS CONFERENCE.

IN FACT, I'VE GOT A COPY OF

THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH THAT

WE NEVER GOT TO HEAR.

HERE WE GO, ALL RIGHT.

>> MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I

COME TO YOU WITH PORN NEWS.

THERE ARE SOME SECRET THINGS

YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT, THAT

IF YOU HAD KNOWN ABOUT THEM

MIGHT HAVE MADE YOU ANGRY,

WELL, GOOD NEWS, WE ARE

MAKING SIGNIFICANT

REDUCTIONS IN THOSE THINGS

WHICH TO BE CLEAR I'M NOT

SAYING WE ARE DOING, BUT

REST ASSURED WE ARE NOT

DOING THEM FOR YOUR OWN GOOD

AND ARE NOW NOT DOING THEM

IN A SAFE AND RESPONSIBLE

MANNER.

I WILL NOW NOT

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