Harmful Cell Phones

  • Aired:  06/01/11
  •  | Views: 26,540

Stephen finds a way to talk to Nana on his cell phone without absorbing harmful cancer rays. (3:33)

I THINK I'VE BEEN HACKED.

THESE SMART PHONES, I TELL YOU,

FOLKS, THEY'RE SO USEFUL, FOR

THIS, FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT

THINGS.

I USE THEM FOR EVERYTHING.

OBVIOUSLY TWEETING PICTURES OF

MY GROIN, CRACKING WALNUTS,

SPACKLING DRYWALL, REFLECTING

SUNLIGHT INTO AIRLINE PILOT'S

EYES, BUT I TURNS OUT THAT MY

CELL PHONE MAY BE HAZARD TO ME

BECAUSE THE WORLD HEALTH

ORGANIZATION IS NOW WARNING THAT

CELL PHONE USE IS "POSSIBLY

CARCINOGENIC TO HUMANS."

POSSIBLY?

WELL, THEN I AM POSSIBLY

CRAPPING MY PANTS.

ISN'T THERE A SIMPLER WAY TO PUT

THIS?

>> WE BEGIN WITH MAJOR

DEVELOPMENTS INVOLVING CELL

PHONE USE AND YOU.

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO KNOW

RIGHT NOW.

>> ALARMING NEWS FOR ANYONE WHO

OWNS A CELL PHONE.

>> COULD YOUR CELL PHONE BE

MAKING YOU SICK?

A NEW WARNING THAT YOUR PHONE

COULD CAUSE BRAIN CANCER.

>> IS YOUR CELL PHONE LETHAL?

>> Stephen: ARE CELL PHONES

ARE TRYING TO KILL US.

THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE

THE PHONE.

GET OUT OF THERE.

NOW, LUCKILY, LUCKILY I BLOCKED

THE RADIATION BY ALWAYS KEEPING

MY CELL PHONE TUCKED SAFELY

UNDER MY GENITALS.

IN A PINCH THEY ALSO SERVE AS A

BOMB SHELTER.

APPARENTLY, APPARENTLY CELL

PHONES USE A FORM OF RADIATION

SIMILAR TO MICROWAVES KNOWN AS

"MICROWAVE RADIATION."

WHICH SCIENTISTS SAY ESUCHLY

COOKS THE BRAIN.

I BET YOU ANYTHING I'M

DELICIOUS.

LAUGHTER LAUGH

BUT CELL PHONE MANUFACTURERS ARE

LOOKING OUT FOR US, FOLKS.

THEY RECOMMEND THAT YOU HOLD THE

DEVICE 15 MILLIMETERS AWAY FROM

YOUR HEAD, WHICH CONVENIENTLY

HAPPENS TO BE THE THICKNESS OF

AN AMY'S FROZEN BURRITO.

OKAY.

A QUICK TEN-MINUTE CALL TO NANA

AND LUNCH IS READY.

[APPLAUSE]

HI, NANA.

HI.

I'M DOING THE SHOW.

I'LL BE BACK IN A SECOND.

TALK TO THE BURRITO.

JUST LISTEN TO HER.

OKAY.

BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO GET BRAIN

CANCER BUT YOU STILL NEED TO

MAKE A CALL?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

EASY.

JAY, COME ON OUT HERE.

LET'S SHOW THE PEOPLE WHAT WE

DO.

JAY THE INTERN, EVERYBODY.

COME ON OUT.

OKAY.

JAY, I WANT YOU TO HELP ME TALK

TO NANA LIKE WE REHEARSED.

SIT DOWN HERE.

OKAY.

OKAY.

THIS ALLOWS ME TO USE MY CELL

PHONE WITHOUT MY BRAIN ABSORBING

HARMFUL CANCER RAYS.

>> I'M GETTING THE CANCER RAYS.

>> SHHH.

I'M ON THE PHONE.

HOW'S IT GOING, NANA.

ASK HER HOW IT'S GOING.

>> HOW'S IT GOING, NANA?

>> SHE'S NOT YOUR NANA.

CALL HER "MRS. COLBERT."

>> HOW ARE YOU DOING,

MRS. COLBERT?

>> WHAT DID SHE SAY.

>> SHE SAYS HER ANKLES ARE

SWORNING.

>> HER BANK ET IS STOLEN?

>> SOMEBODY STOLE HER BLANKET?

>> Stephen: HANG ON, THIS IS

STILL COLD.

[APPLAUSE]

NOW, WHAT IS SHE SAYING, JAY?

>> I CAN'T HEAR HER THROUGH THE

BURRITO.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE GOING TO

HAVE TO TALK LOUDER,

UNANIMOUSBACK IT'S BEEF AND

BEANS.

I TELL YOU WHAT, JAY, STAY ON

THE PHONE AS LONG AS MY NANA

WANTS OR UNTIL THE BURRITO IS

READY, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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