Bipartisan Budget Agreement

  • Aired:  12/12/13
  •  | Views: 35,329

Congress reaches an agreement on the budget, but misses an opportunity for a more fiscally-conservative plan. (4:13)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

"REPORT,"!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

COME ON!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN").

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIESAND GENTLEMEN.

I NEED THAT KIND OF PRAISE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I

NEED THAT KIND OF PRAISE BECAUSEI AM FURIOUS!

AND NO AMOUNT OF YOUR APPLAUSEWILL CHANGE MY MOOD.

SO DON'T EVEN TRY IT AGAIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

SORRY.

NO, NO.

ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY -- I WASWRONG, THAT WORKED.

(LAUGHTER)YOU KNOW WHAT, JIM?

YOU BETTER MAKE ME MAD AGAIN.

>> CONGRESSIONAL LEADERS HAVEAGREED TO A NEW BUDGET DEAL.

THE PACT IS SUPPOSED TOELIMINATE THE CONTINUOUS CYCLE

OF STANDOFF AND GOVERNMENTSHUTDOWN THREATS.

THEY'RE CALLING IT THEBIPARTISAN BUDGET ACT OF 2013.

>> THEY ACTUALLY PASSED ABUDGET.

I MEAN, THE FACT THAT WE HAVE TOAPPLAUD THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

BUT IT'S A GOOD THING.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY DOING THEIRJOB.

>> Stephen: WRONG!

IT IS NOT A GOOD THING AND THEYARE NOT DOING THEIR JOB.

AMERICANS SENT REPUBLICANS TOWASHINGTON TO ACCOMPLISH ONE

THING: ZERO THINGS.

(LAUGHTER)BUT WITH THIS BIPARTISAN BUDGET

WE'LL HAVE NO CHANCE OF ANOTHERGOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN FOR TWO

WHOLE YEARS!

YOU FOOLS!

WE CAN'T LEAVE OUR NATIONALPARKS OPEN THAT LONG!

IT WILL GIVE THE WOLVES TIME TOUNIONIZE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)WHAT I DON'T GET HERE IS THAT

THERE WERE PLENTY OF GOODCONSERVATIVE BUDGET PLANS OUT

THERE!

>> THE PENNY PLAN IS YOU DROP APENNY OUT OF EVERY DOLLAR

WASHINGTON SPENDS EVERY YEAR FORFIVE YEARS.

ONE PENNY IN EVERY DOLLAR FORFIVE STRAIGHT YEARS.

EVERYBODY.

ACROSS THE BOARD.

THIS IS THE BUDGET, LIVE WITHIT.

NOW THAT'S -- IMPLIESDISCIPLINE.

>> Stephen: YES, THE PENNYPLAN IMPLIES DISCIPLINE.

JUST AS STU VARNEY'S ACCENTIMPLIES INTELLIGENCE.

(LAUGHTER)IN FACT, I TELL YOU WHAT, FOLKS.

I'VE GOTTEN A EVEN BETTER PENNYPLAN FOR YOU.

YOU JUST FILL A JAR WITH PENNIESAND WHICH EVER GOVERNMENT AGENCY

CAN GUESS HOW MANY THERE AREWINS THE JAR, WHICH IS NOW THEIR

BUDGET.

(LAUGHTER).

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)EIGHT.

AND WHAT REALLY HURTS IS WHOSTABBED US IN THE FISCAL BACK.

REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN ANDREAGAN TRIBUTE SCALP PAUL RYAN.

JUST LISTEN TO THE LAME WAY HEDEFENDS HIMSELF FROM REAL

CONSERVATIVES.

>> MARCO RUBIO SAID THIS,THOUGH, LAST NIGHT.

"YOUR DEAL IS GOING TO MAKE ITHARDER FOR AMERICANS TO ACHIEVE

THE AMERICAN DREAM."

WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO MARCO?

>> READ THE DEAL AND GET BACK TOME.

>> Stephen: "READ THE DEAL ANDGET BACK TO ME"?

THE GALL.

LISTEN, BUDDY, I DON'T HAVE TOREAD A BIPARTISAN BUDGET TO KNOW

I DESPISE IT ANY MORE THAN INEED TO READ "HAROLD AND THE

PURPLE CRAYON" TO KNOW THAT ITENDS WITH HAROLD COMING OUT AS A

LESBIAN.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY?

IT'S ALL ABOUT BOUNDLESSIMAGINATION, ALSO KNOWN AS

SCISSORING.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)SO IF YOU EXCUSE ME, THERE'S

SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO.

OKAY?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I -- I CAN'TBELIEVE I --

(LAUGHTER).

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HUNG THISPOSTER ON THE CEILING OF MY

DREAM CLOSET.

I GUESS IT'S TIME FOR A NEW 2016FANTASY CANDIDATE.

OH, TED CRUZ.

(LAUGHTER)OH, TED CRUZ, YOU'LL NEVER

BETRAY ME.

OH, TED, HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING

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