Contraception Crusade

  • Aired:  02/14/12
  •  | Views: 124,191

Barack Obama launches a vengeful health care crusade against the Catholic church, essentially forcing priests to hand out condoms at mass. (6:54)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES... YOU HAVE TO LET

THEM LOVE YOU SOMETIMES.

FOLKS, I HAVE OFTEN WARNED YOU

THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA IS AN

ANTIRELIGIOUS ZEALOT WHICH IS

SURPRISING SINCE HE IS ALSO A

DEVOUT SECRET MUSLIM.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW HE IS LAUNCHING A VENGEFUL

CRUSADE AGAINST THE CATHOLIC

CHURCH WHICH IS ESPECIALLY

HURTFUL SINCE VENGE FULL

CRUSADES-- KIND OF OUR THING.

JIM?

>> LAST MONTH THE OBAMA

ADMINISTRATION SAID THE NEW

HEALTH CARE LAW REQUIRES

RELIGIOUS HOSPITALS, COLLEGES,

AND OTHER INSTITUTIONS TO

INCLUDE CONTRACEPTIVE COVERAGE

IN THEIR INSURANCE PLANS.

>> Stephen: TRANSLATION: OBAMA

IS FORCING PRIESTS TO HANDOUT

CONDOMS AT MASS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I AM OUTRAGED AS A CATHOLIC.

NO, NO, I AM OUTRAGED AS THE

CATHOLIC.

(LAUGHTER)

I AM SORRY, POABD, BUT YOU LOST

MY RESPECT IN 2010 WHEN YOU CAME

OUT IN FAVOR OF UNIVERSAL HEALTH

CARE.

I SAY IF JESUS WANTED EVERYONE

TO HAVE INSURANCE HE'D HAVE BEEN

CRUCIFIED ON A BLUE CROSS/BLUE

SHIELD.

(LAUGHTER)

AND ILL PAPA DID NOT SCORE ANY

POINTS WITH ME FOR SHOWING UP AT

THE GRAMMYS WITH NICKI MENAJ.

(LAUGHTER)

I TELL YOU, FOLKS.

THERE IS NOTHING WE AMERICAN

CATHOLICS ENJOY MORE THAN

DEFENDING THE CHURCH'S STANCE ON

CONTRACEPTION.

IT'S A CENTRAL TENET OF OUR

FAITH.

AS DEEPLY HELD IN OUR BELIEF IN

MARBLE, JESUS ON SNACK FOOD AND

UNINTENTIONALLY HOT SCHOOL

UNIFORMS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW THROUGH THE 1968 PAPAL

ENCYCLICAL CAL HUMANAE VITAE THE

CHURCH TEACHES US THAT THE

TRANSMISSION OF LIFE IS A

SERIOUS ROLE IN WHICH MARRIED

PEOPLE COLLABORATE FREELY AND

RESPONSIBLY WITH GOD.

YOU SEE, TO CATHOLICS SEX ISN'T

TWO DRUNK STRANGERS GETTING

THEIR FREAK ON AT CLOSING TIME.

IT'S THE MYSTICAL UNION OF TWO

PEOPLE INSPIRED TO CREATE NEW

PHYSICAL LIFE WHILE GOD ADDS A

SOUL IN A DIVINE AND EF-ABLE,

BEAUTIFUL THREE WAY.

SO WHEN YOU USE CONTRACEPTIONS,

YOU ARE NOT ONLY SINNING, YOU

ARE COCK-BLOCKING THE ALMIGHTY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I GOT GOD'S BACK ON THIS ONE.

BUT CATHOLIC BISHOPS ARE

ESPECIALLY ANGRY BECAUSE PAYING

FOR CON CONTRACEPTIVES

CONTRADICTS A BELIEF THAT THOSE

BISHOPS HOLD DEAR: THAT

CATHOLICS DON'T USE BIRTH

CONTROL.

WHICH ISN'T EASY BECAUSE 98% OF

CATHOLIC WOMEN USE BIRTH

CONTROL.

(LAUGHTER)

THE OTHER 2% ARE NUNS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, I KNOW YOU MAY BE WONDERING

IF I, STEPHEN COLBERT, PRACTICE

BIRTH CONTROL.

YES, I DO.

I PRACTICE NATURAL

CHURCH-APPROVED BIRTH CONTROL.

IT'S LIKE HOLDING IN A SNEEZE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

AH AH, AH, OH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'LL KEEP PRACTICING.

I'LL GET IT ONE DAY.

NOW, SOME IN THE LIBERAL

COMPLAIN-O-SPHERE ARE SAYING IF

YOU HAVE YOU TAKE TAXPAYER MONEY

YOU HAVE TO TAKE TAXPAYER RULES

AND, YES, THE CHURCH ACCEPTS A

LITTLE FEDERAL MONEY HERE AND

THERE.

IN 2010, CATHOLIC CHARITIES

RECEIVED $2.9 BILLION.

BUT THAT'S ONLY 62% OF THEIR

TOTAL REVENUE.

AFTER TAXES, THAT'S STILL 62%

BECAUSE THEY DON'T PAY TAXES.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WHILE THAT MONEY CAME FROM

ALL OF THE TAXPAYERS, MOST OF

WHOM AREN'T CATHOLIC, ONCE THE

BISHOPS LAY THEIR HANDS UPON

THAT SECULAR CASH, IT'S RAN THE

SUBSTANTIATED INTO BISHOP BUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

THE CASH FLOW OF CHRIST.

WHICH MEANS THE MONEY NOW HOLDS

THE BELIEF OF THE CATHOLIC

HIERARCHY AND CAN BE SPENT ONLY

ON ITEMS APPROVED AT THE HIGHEST

LEVELS.

LIKE MASSIVE LEGAL SETTLEMENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, FORTUNATELY, FOLKS,

REPUBLICANS ARE NOT TAKING THIS

CONTRACEPTIVE MANDATE LYING

DOWN.

OR EVEN DOGGIE-STYLE.

(LAUGHTER)

JIM?

>> THIS ATTACK BY THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT ON RELIGIOUS FREEDOM

IN OUR COUNTRY MUST NOT STAND

AND WILL NOT STAND.

>> THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T GET TO

DECIDE FOR RELIGIOUS PEOPLE WHAT

THEIR RELIGIOUS BRIEFS ARE.

>> THIS PRESIDENT IS ATTACKING

RELIGION AND IS PUTTING IN PLACE

A SECULAR AGENDA THAT OUR FORE

FOUNDERS WOULD NOT RECOGNIZE.

>> YES, OUR FORE FOUNDERS WOULD

NOT RECOGNIZE THIS SECULAR

AGENDA ANY MORE THAN WE

RECOGNIZE THE TERM

"FOURFOUNDERS."

AND THEY CERTAINLY DID NOT USE

CONTRACEPTION OR BEN FRANKLIN

WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SO RIDDLED

WITH SYPHILIS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AS... IT'S A ADD STORY.

IT'S TRUE.

SAD.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT BACK THEN.

JUST A TINCTURE OF MERCURY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND AS MY FELLOW CATHOLIC RICK

SANTORUM POINTS OUT, THIS PUTS

US ON A SLIPPERY-- NAY,

LUBRICATED SLOPE-- TO TIERNEY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: YOU MARGINALIZE

FAITH IN AMERICA.

WHEN YOU REMOVE THE PILLAR OF

GOD-GIVEN RIGHTS, THEN WHAT'S

LEFT?

IT'S THE FRENCH REVOLUTION.

WHAT'S LEFT IS FRANCE BECAME THE

GUILLOTINE.

>> Stephen: YES, HERE'S

COVERING COPAYS FOR BIRTH

CONTROL.

HERE'S BEHEADING.

IT'S THAT CLOSE!

SO IF CATHOLIC INSTITUTIONS--

LIKE MYSELF-- ARE GOING TO BE

FORCED TO PROVIDE

CONTRACEPTIVES, I THINK WE

BETTER BE SURE PEOPLE ARE USING

THEM THE WAY OBAMA WANTS!

NATION, THIS IS YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS-- FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO

AREN'T FAMILIAR-- IS

CONTRACEPTION.

ALL RIGHT?

I HAVEN'T USED ONE OF THESE IN A

WHILE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

OKAY.

THERE YOU GO.

AND THIS IS OBAMA'S ATTACK ON

RELIGION.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: HAS L OF THE!

MA ZELL OF THE!

THAT TASTES LIKE FREEDOM!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Loading...