General's Hospital

  • Aired:  11/15/12
  •  | Views: 192,111

David Petraeus's affair is all anybody in Washington can talk about, which might be why the country is in financial ruin. (5:29)

MARKETING CAMPAIGN.

( LAUGHTER ) SOUP!

NOW, NATION, EVER SINCE FORMER C.I.A. DIRECTOR DAVID PETRAEUS REVEALED HIS TORRID AFFAIR, THE

SCANDAL HAS THE ENTIRE NEWS-SCAPE IN A TIZZY.

>> THE SEX SCANDAL THAT'S ROCKED WASHINGTON.

>> A SALACIOUS SEX SCANDAL INVOLVING THE NOW-FORMER C.I.A.

DIRECTOR.

>> BREAKING NEW DETAILS ON THE FAST-MOVING C.I.A. SEX SCANDAL.

>> WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE FISCAL CLIFF BUT I'M DYING TO ASK YOU ABOUT THE SCANDAL

BECAUSE IT'S ALL ANYONE'S ABOUT.G TALKING

>> Stephen: YEAH.

THIS SEX SCANDAL IS ALL ANYBODY IN WASHINGTON CAN TALK ABOUT.

I WONDER WHY THE COUNTRY IS IN FINANCIAL RUIN?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, FOLKS, I MAY BE A NEWS JUNKY, BUT I ALSO GOT TO HAVE MY STORIES.

AND THIS IS BOTH.

IT'S LIKE A STEAMY EPISODE OF "GENERAL'S HOSPITAL." ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AND THESE DAYS-- THESE DAYS, INFORMATION, I SPEND MY AFTERNOONS YOU KNOW PLOPPED ON

THE COUCH IN THE HOUSECOAT, WATCHING CNN WITH A VIRGINIA SLIM IN BON HAND AND A BOX OF

AFTER 8s IN THE OTHER.

I DON'T CARE IF THE NEWS GOES STRAIGHT TO MY HIMSELF.

IT IS ME TIME.

THIS STORY HAS GOT EVERYTHING-- A DECORATED WAR HERO HAS AN AFFAIR WITH HIS OWN SEXY

BIOGRAPHER, WHO SENSES THE SPY MASTER IS STEPPING OUT ON HER WITH A SECOND GIRLFRIEND, SO SHE

SENDS AN E-MAIL FROM A SECRET ACCOUNT SAYING STEP OFF OR I WILL CUT, BIATCH.

AND THE SECOND HOTTIE FREAKS OUT AND CONTACTS HER FRIENDS, F.B.I.

AGENT, WHO LAUNCHES AN INVESTIGATION, BUT GETS PULLED OFF THE CASE BECAUSE HE SEXED

HER A SHIRTLESS PHOTO.

THE SPY MASTERY PROTEGE, ALSO A GENERAL, HAS SENT THOUSANDS OF E-MAILS TO THE SECOND WOMAN.

THIS ISN'T JUST A LOVE TRIANGLE, INFORMATION.

IT'S A LOVE PENTAGON.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

I GOTTA SAY-- I GOTTA SAY, AFTER THAT, IT GETS A LITTLE FARFETCHED.

I MEAN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SECOND WOMAN HANS EMOTIONALLY TROUBLED IDENTICAL TWIN.

AND BOTH THE SPY MAST EXPERT GENERAL WRITE LETTERS OF SUPPORT FOR THE TWIN SISTER'S CUSTODY

BATTLE WITH HER ECONCLUSION?

OH, AND LISTEN TO THE NAME THEY CAME UP WITH FOR HIM?

GRAYSON WOLF.

JIMMY, WE DON'T HAVE A PICTURE OF HIM YET, SO JUST PUT UP A VISUAL APPROXIMATION.

THAT'S RIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

FOLKS, I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S JUST NOT BELIEVABLE ANYMORE.

( LAUGHTER ) I-- I THINK THE NEWS HAS JUMPED THE SHARK.

AND THE MOST UNBELIEVABLE PARTS, THEY SAY THAT-- THAT-- THAT THE GENERAL DOWN THERE,

THAT GENERAL OVER THERE, HE IS THE TOP COMMANDER OF OUR WAR IN AFGHANISTAN.

AFGHANISTAN?

REALLY?

( LAUGHTER ) PLEASE.

IF OUR TROOPS WERE REALLY STILL FIGHTING IN AFGHANISTAN, DON'T YOU THINK WE'D BE HEARING ABOUT

THAT ON THE NEWS INSTEAD OF ALL THIS BULL ( BLEEP )?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT BELIEVABLE.

ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, BOTTOM LINE, IT'S A SOAP OPERA AND IT IS DONE.

WE SHOULD ALL MOVE ON.

>> OH, THIS IS FAR FROM OVER, STEPHEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: SUSAN LUCCI!

>> OH, YES.

AND THERE'S MORE.

GENERAL PETRAEUS HAS DEVELOPED AMNESIA, AND-- ( LAUGHTER ) AND CAN'T REMEMBER THAT HE'S PREGNANT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) BY HIS OWN EVIL TWIN, WHO IS IN A COMA, AND IS MY LOVER.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

>> HOW DARE YOU!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: HOW CAN YOU DO THAT FROM OVER THERE?

>> DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

I WAS IN A BOATING ACCIDENT, AND NOW I HAVE TELEKINESIS.

JUST LIKE GENERAL PETRAEUS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

>> Stephen: I STILL THINK IT'S BULL ( BLEEP ).

>> YEAR, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

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