Stephen's Lenten Sacrifice

  • Aired:  02/22/12
  •  | Views: 18,933

As America's most famous Catholic, Stephen must set a good example during Lent. (3:15)

( THEME SONG PLAYING )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

( CHEERS )

>> Stephen: NATION, IF YOU'RE

WONDERING WHY I'M SPEAKING THE

POPE TALK, IT'S BECAUSE TODAY IS

ASH WEDNESDAY, THE BEGINNING OF

LENT, WHEREIN GOODICALS LIKE

MYSELF MAKE A PERSONAL SACRIFICE

FOR 40 DAYS TO BECOME CLOSER TO

GOD.

LAST YEAR, I GAVE UP SOMETHING

TRULY IMPORTANT TO ME AS A

CATHOLIC-- BEING CATHOLIC.

( LAUGHTER )

IT WAS TOUGH.

IT WAS TOUGH.

BUT I DID GET SOME GREAT BAR

MITZVAH GIFTS.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

NOW, FOLKS, I GOTTA TELL YOU,

YOU CAN ASK THESE PEOPLE-- I

STILL HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT TO

GIVE UP THIS YEAR.

( LAUGHTER )

I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING WITH THE

CLASSIC-- YOU KNOW, CHOCOLATE,

BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE SINCE THE

INTRODUCTION OF MINT DARK

CHOCOLATE M&Ms.

I MEAN, I LOVE GOD AND

EVERYTHING, BUT THESE THINGS ARE

LIKE CRACK.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I DEFINITELY

CAN'T GIVE UP CRACK.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

THAT STUFF IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE,

YET REASONABLY PRICED.

( LAUGHTER )

BUT I GOTTA FIND SOMETHING TO

SACRIFICE THAT I BOTH ENJOY AND

KNOW I CAN STICK TO GIVING UP.

OH, WAIT, OKAY, I GOT IT.

NATION, AND GOD NATION, THIS

LENT, I, STEPHEN COLBERT, DO

SOLEMNLY SWEAR TO GIVE UP

HIGH-FIVING CONQUISTADORS.

( LAUGHTER )

NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING-- WHY NOT SOMETHING

EASIER LIKE FIST BUMPING LIONS?

( LAUGHTER )

BUT AS AMERICA'S MOST FAMOUS

CATHOLIC, I NEED TO SET A GOOD

EXAMPLE, ALL RIGHT.

WISH ME LUCK.

FOLKS, REGULAR VIEWERS KNOW THAT

I HAVE SUCCUMBED TO LIN-SANITY.

HE IS THE BIGGEST BASKETBALL

STORY SINCE THE GAME WAS

INVENTED BY THE AZTECS WHO, OF

COURSE, SUCCUMBED TO

LIN-SMALLPOX.

OH, I LOVE A GOOD AZTEC JOKE!

COME ON, UP TOP, AMIGO!

( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.

I'M SO--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I-- I'M SO SORRY, DAN DIEGO JUAN

CARLOS.

IT'S JUST THAT I MADE A VERY

SPECIFIC PROMISE TO GOD.

>> COME ON, DON'T LEAVE ME

HANGING LIKE THE SERPENT

QUETZALCOATL.

>> Stephen: IT'S LENT.

>> YOU USED TO BE FUN.

YOU CHANGED.

>> Stephen: MAN, I'M GOING TO

HAVE TO SMOKE SO MUCH CRACK TO

FORGET ABOUT THIS.

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