Cheating Death - Depression Edition

  • Aired:  04/10/14
  •  | Views: 30,985

Nearly 20% of Americans suffer from extended periods of depression, but a study finds that Botox could be a viable cure. (7:17)

( LAUGHTER )NATION, WEDDING VOWS ARE

SUPPOSED TO LAST TILL DEATH DOUS PART, BUT WITH TODAY'S

DIVORCE RATE, SADLY, HALF OFMARRIAGES DON'T END IN DEATH.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITHSTEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.

>> YES, SIR, WHERE'S THE PRETTYLADY?

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: DEPRESSIONEDITION.

FIRST UP, FOLKS, A DISCLAIMEREYE AM NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR.

I HAVE AN HONORARY DOCTORATE INFINE ARTS SO I CAN'T CURE YOUR

BLINDNESS, BUT I CAN OPEN YOUREYES TO THE GRAND MINIMALISM OF

RICHARD SERRA'S SCULPTURES.

AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH ISBROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT: WHERE MALPRACTICEMAKES MALPERFECT.

( APPLAUSE )FIRST NEXT UP, MENTAL HEALTH.

FOLKS, THIS COUNTRY HAS ASERIOUS DEPRESSION PROBLEM.

ACCORDING TO THE WORLD HEALTHORGANIZATION, NEARLY 20% OF

AMERICANS REPORT AN EXTENDEDPERIOD OF DEPRESSION IN THEIR

LIFETIME.

WHILE THE OTHER 80% INSIST THATEVERYTHING IS OKAY.

SHUT UP, DADDY'S DRINKING.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

, AND, SURE, THERE ARETREATMENTS LIKE PROZAC, PAXIL,

AND ZOLOFT, BUT YOU CANNOTINJECT THEM INTO YOUR FACE.

>> BOTOX IS THE MOST POPULARCOSMETIC ENHANCEMENT PROCEDURE

IN THE COUNTRY.

A NEW STUDY SUGGESTS BOTOX COULDALSO BE USEFUL FOR A TREATMENT

OPTION FOR DEPRESSION.

THE THINKING IS FROWNING SENDSNEGATIVE EMOTIONAL SIGNALS TO

THE BRAIN SO INHIBITING THEABILITY TO FROWN WOULD INHIBIT

THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, WHEN ILEARNED THAT BOTOX CAN CURE

DEPRESSION, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEENTHE EXPRESSION ON MY FACE.

OR ANY EXPRESSION ON THE FACE OFSOMEONE WITH BOTOX.

CHEERING YOU UP BY KILLING YOURFACE WORKS BECAUSE THERE IS A

CIRCUIT BETWEEN THE BRAIN ANDTHE MUSCLES OF FACIAL

EXPRESSION, IN WHICH THE BRAINMONITORS THE EMOTIONAL VALENCE

OF THE FACE AND RESPONDS BYGENERATING THE APPROPRIATE

FEELING.

WELL, OF COURSE, YOUR FACE TELLSYOUR BRAIN HOW IT FEEL.

YOUR FACE-BRAIN IS MUCH SMARTERTHAN YOUR SKULL-BRAIN AND YOU

KNOW THAT'S TRUE BECAUSE MY FACEJUST SAID IT.

THIS PROCEDURE IS NOT ONLYEFFECTIVE, FOLKS.

IT IS FAR LESS INVASIVE THAN THEPREVIOUS COSMETIC TREATMENT FOR

DEPRESSION-- RECONSTRUCTIVESURGERY TO TURN THAT FROWN

UPSIDE DOWN.

THAT GUY LOOKS HAPPY.

FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE DOWNSIDETO THIS MIRACULOUS CURE FOR

DEPRESSION-- BOTOX CAN ALSO MAKEYOU FEEL DEPRESSED BECAUSE YOU

CANNOT SMILE PROPERLY.

WHICH THEN COULD MAKE YOU VERYSAD, BUT FORTUNATELY, YOU CAN

ALSO NO LONGER FROWN.

BUT PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALSKNOWS THAT YOUR EMOTIONAL

PROBLEMS GO WELL BEYOND JUSTHAPPINESS AND DEPRESSION.

THAT'S WHY PRESCOTT IS PROUD TOINTRODUCE VACSA-MEH.

BECAUSE WHY PARALYZE YOUR FACEFROM SHOWING EMOTIONS WHEN YOU

CAN PARALYZE THE EMOTIONSTHEMSELVES?

EVERY SYRINGE CONTAINS THE SAMETOXIN AS BOTOX, BUT WITH AN

EIGHT-INCH NEEDLE THAT ALLOWSYOU TO INJECT IT DIRECTLY INTO

YOUR BRAIN.

WHEN YOU FEEL A TINGLING, THATMEANS IT'S WORKING.

WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING ATALL, THAT MEANS IT WORKED.

( LAUGHTER )SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA-MEH

INCLUDE SEARCH AND SEIZURES.

MALE PATTERN BALDWIN, ANDHIPSTER DYSPLASIA, AND VACSA-MEH

IS 100% GUARANTEED TO WORK, ANDWHEN IT DOESN'T, THERE'S ANOTHER

SOLUTION IN-- MENTAL HEALTH.

BECAUSE THERE IS YET ANOTHERCURE FOR DEPRESSION.

>> BATTLING LONG-TERMDEPRESSION, OXFORD UNIVERSITY

RESEARCHERS TREATED 38 PEOPLEWITH THE DRUG KETAMINE FOR MORE

THAN THREE WEEKS.

30% SAW THEIR DEPRESSIVESYMPTOMS LESSEN.

EIGHT PEOPLE REPORTED FEELINGFREE OF DEPRESSION.

KETAMINE IS ALSO USED AS A HORSETRANQUILIZER

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: IT MAKES SENSE.

FOLKS--( APPLAUSE )

IT DOES MAKE SENSE THAT YOUTREAT DEPRESSION WITH A HORSE

TRANQUILIZER BECAUSE EVERY TIMEI SEE A HORSE I SAY, "WHY THE

LONG FACE?"( APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHTER )HE'S ON A SUICIDE WATCH.

( LAUGHTER )LITTLE MEN IN SILK PAJAMAS GET

ON HIS BACK AND MAKE HIM JUMPOVER STICKING WHILE WHIPPING

HIM.

IT'S SAD.

AND THIS VETERINARY DRUG ISN'TJUST USED TO ANIMALS, FOLKS.

IT'S ALSO USED ON PARTY ANIMALS.

>> KETAMINE IS A GENERALANESTHETIC OFTEN USED BY

VETERINARIANS.

WHEN TAPE IN HIGH DOSES AT THECLUB SCENE, USERS SAY THEY FEEL

DETACHED AND ALMOST HALLUCINATE.

>> KETAMINE IS ALSO USED AT THEDRUG SCENE AS A PARTY DRUG.

WE HAVE SOME FOOT OF THECLINICAL TRIALS.

THAT THAT-- THAT WAS THE CONTROLGROUP.

( LAUGHTER )NOW, ACCORDING TO THE STUDY,

KETAMINE TRIGGERS THE RELEASE OFTHE NEUROTRANSMITTER GLUTAMATE

IN THE BRAIN, WHICH STIMULATESTHE GROWTH OF SYNAPSES THAT HAVE

BEEN DAMAGED BY STRESS.

PUT IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, OXFORDUNIVERSITY RESEARCHERS HAVE

DETERMINED THAT DRUGS MAKE YOUFEEL GOOD SO YOU SHOULD TAKE

THEM, WHICH IS WHY PRESCOTT HASREPURPOSED ITS OWN LIQUID

ANTIDEPRESSION PARTY MEDICATION-- VAC DANIELS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

( APPLAUSE )VAC-DANIELS COMES IN THIS

PATENTED MEDI BOTTLE, AND ISGUARANTEED TO TEMPORARILY

RELIEVE DEPRESSION, REDUCESOCIAL ANXIETY, AND MAKE YOU

FUNNY, BRAVE, AND SEXY, PLUS ITMAKES OTHER PEOPLE SEEM MORE

ATTRACTIVE.

( LAUGHTER )SIMPLY ADMINISTER VAC-DANIELS

USING THE CUSTOMIZED BIOINDEX.

HOLD UP TWO FINGERS TO THE GLASSTO FIND YOUR PROPER DOSAGE.

( APPLAUSE )FOR SEVERE CASES, DRINK MORE.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

CONTINUE TREATMENT WITHVAC-DANIELS UNTIL THE SOURCE OF

YOUR STRESS GOES AWAY.

WHETHER IT BE DEPRESSION, YOURJOB, OR YOUR FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER )SIDE EFFECTS OF VAC-DANIELS

INCLUDE HIGH BALLS, BUDLIGHT LIME DISEASE, AND

DEPRESSION.

WELL, BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTTPHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT-- IF IT WALKS LIKE ADUCK AND TALKS LIKE A DUCK

THERE'S BEEN A BREACH FROM THEDUCK CONTAINMENT FACILITY.

APPROACH WITH CAUTION.

THEY HAVE PIRAHNA TEETH. UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE YOU INHELL

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