European Union Collapse & War-Fueled Recovery

  • Aired:  09/21/11
  •  | Views: 48,821

The fastest way to start a European war is to piss off the Germans, so America should kick them in the schnitzels to jumpstart a World War II-style economic recovery. (4:27)

HOUR-LONG EPISODE.

AND ONCE THE RADIOHEAD GETS

HERE, HE MIGHT NEVER GO BACK TO

ENGLAND BECAUSE THE E.U. IS ON

THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE.

>> THE EUROPEAN UNION ITSELF IS

FALLING APART AND FAST.

>> THE GREAT WEAKNESS IS

OBVIOUSLY GOVERNMENTS LIKE

GREECE, IF THEY WERE TO DEFAULT,

YOU WOULD HAVE COLLAPSE OF THE

CURRENCY AND A LOT OF PROBLEMS.

>> IF THE EURO COLLAPSES, EUROPE

COLLAPSES.

>> Stephen: AND IF EUROPE

CLANSES, WHERE WILL COLLEGE

STUDENTS SPEND A SEMESTER ABROAD

TO LEARN HOW TO THROW UP SANGRIA

IN SPANISH?

NOW, THE COLLAPSE IS IMMINENT

BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN GREECE IS IN

DANGER OF DEFAULTING ON THEIR

DEBT.

AND TO SAVE THEMSELVES, THEY

HAVE ONLY TWO OPTIONS.

A, THE PRIME MINISTER CAN TURN

GREECE'S CREDITORS TO STONE BY

USING MEDUSA'S HEAD.

OR, B, GREECE CAN CONVINCE THE

OTHER EUROPEAN COUNTRIES THAT

THEY'RE GETTING THEIR FINANCIAL

HOUSE IN ORDER, BUT TO DO THAT,

SOMEONE IN GREECE MAY HAVE TO DO

THE UNTHINKABLE -- GET A JOB.

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME EXPLAIN, GREEKS.

A JOB IS WHEN YOU PROVIDE A

SERVICE IN EXCHANGE FOR

SOMETHING CALLED MONEY.

ASK ITALY.

WAIT, DON'T ASK ITALY.

NOW, THE EUROPEAN CENTRAL BANK

COULD SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BY

PRINTING LOTS OF MONEY, BUT

GERMANY DOESN'T WANT TO BECAUSE

AFTER WORLD WAR ONE, THEY

PRINTED SO MUCH CURRENCY THAT

INFLATION EXPLODED AND JUST TO

BUY A LEFT OF BREAD, PEOPLE HAD

TO FILL A WHEELBARROW WITH

MONEY.

IRONICALLY, THE PRICE OF A

WHEELBARROW WAS AN OX CART FULL

OF BREAD.

[LAUGHTER]

FLG THIS ECONOMIC CHAOS BROUGHT

ABOUT THE RISE OF THE NAZI

PARTY, SO BASICALLY GERMANY IS

SAYING TO THE REST OF EUROPE,

WE'RE MILD-MANNERED BRUCE BANNER

NOW, BUT IF WE'RE EXPOSED TO THE

GAMMA RAYS OF INFLATION, WE

COULD BECOME FASCIST HULKS.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T MAKE ME HITLER.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M

HITLER.

AND FOR SOME REASON POLAND TAKES

GERMANY'S "WE MIGHT BECOME

NAZIS" THING PRETTY SERIOUSLY.

THEIR FINANCE MINISTER SAID THIS

CRISIS COULD LEAD THE WAR IN TEN

TO 20 YEARS.

TEN TO 20 YEARS.

AND THAT'S IN CELSIUS.

FOLKS, EUROPE HAS BEEN TORN

APART BY WAR SO MANY TIMES, AND

FOR IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN WOULD BE

SO WONDERFUL.

BECAUSE WORLD WAR II IS WHAT GOT

AMERICA OUT OF THE GREAT

DEPRESSION.

U.S. MANUFACTURING SOARED,

UNEMPLOYMENT PLUNGED, AND

TONGUING STRANGERS IN TIMES

SQUARE REACHED RECORD HIGHS, BUT

TEN TO 20 YEARS I BELIEVE IS TOO

LONG THE WAIT, SO LET ME JUST

PRIME THE PUMP A LITTLE BIT.

EVERYONE KNOWS THE FASTEST WAY

TO START A EUROPEAN WAR IS TO

PISS OFF THE KRAUTS.

SO LET'S GIVE THEM A REAL IT CAN

IN THE SCHNITZELS.

HEY, GERMANY, BELGIAN'S EUROPEAN

AFFAIRS OFFICIAL SAYS YOU LACK

SOLIDARITY AND SHOULDN'T BE

TELLING OTHER NATIONS WHAT TO

DO, ADDING, "I BET YOU DON'T

EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO INVADE US

AGAIN."

AND HEY, DEUTSCHLAND, ENGLAND'S

FORMER PRIME MINISTER GORDON

BROWN SAID, "IT IS ALSO TIME FOR

GERMANY TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT MUST

BE INTEGRAL TO SOLVING THE

PROBLEM BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN

INTEGRAL TO THE PROBLEM ITSELF."

SLAM.

SUPER CALL FRAGILIST YOUR

COUNTRY IS ATROCIOUS.

GERMANY, YOU JUST GOT YOUR ASS

SERVED TO YOU, AND IN ENGLAND

THAT'S A BREAKFAST MEAT.

AND BRACE YOURSELF, FATHER LAND,

ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER SILVIO

BERLUSCONI WAS OVERHEARD SAYING,

AND THIS IS AN ACTUAL QUOTE,

THAT GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA

MERKEL IS AN "[BLEEPED] LARD

ASS."

AND THAT, THAT IS FROM A GUY WHO

WOULD HAVE SEX WITH A FOUR-SLOT

TOASTER IF IT WERE UNDER 18.

SO LET THE WAR-FUELED RECOVERY

BEGIN.

DIG UP THE ANDREWS SISTERS, LOCK

UP THE JAPANESE AND START

HOARDING TIN BECAUSE THIS IS THE

ONLY ANSWER TO

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