Cheating Death - Chicken Pox Lollipops & Fecal Transplants

  • Aired:  12/08/11
  •  | Views: 43,118

Virus-laden pops have the taste kids love with the proven effectiveness of something licked by a stranger, and one person's poop can restore another person's good bacteria. (5:55)

GENEVA CONVENTIONS.

NOW NATION, YOU KNOW IN THIS

TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES, YOU

CAN BE THANKFUL YOU STILL

HAVE YOUR HEALTH.

AND IF YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR

HEALTH, AT LEAST YOU WON'T

BE POOR MUCH LONGER.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITH

DR. STEPHEN T COLBERT, DFA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AS ALWAYS, CHEATING DEATH IS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTT

PHARMACEUTICALS.

PRESCOTT, NOT OUR FAULT

SINCE 1922.

FIRST UP, VACCINATIONS.

>> OUCH!

>> Stephen: IN 1998 THE

BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL THE

LANCE ET PUBLISHED A STUDY

THAT FOUND THAT MERCURY

PRESERVATIVES IN COMMON

VACCINES COULD CAUSE AUTISM

IN CHILDREN.

AS A RESULT, TODAY IN EIGHT

DIFFERENT STATES MORE THAN

ONE IN 20 KINDERGARTENER

DOES NOT GET THE REQUIRED

VACCINATIONS.

NOW THE LANCE ET HAS SINCE

DECLARED THE STUDY AN

ELABORATE FRAUD.

BUT HOW YOU CAN TRUST THE

LANCE ET.

THEY HAVE A HISTORY OF

PUBLISHING FRAUDULENT

STUDIES.

SO CLEARLY VACCINES ARE

DANGEROUS.

LUCKILY, SOME PARENTS HAVE

FOUND A SAFER ALTERNATIVE.

>> A GROUP OF PARENTS

REPORTEDLY INTENTIONALLY

INFECTING THEIR KIDS WITH

THE CHICKEN POX VIRUS.

MEMBERS WITH INFECTED

CHILDREN ARE REPORTEDLY

SENDING INFECTED LOLLIPOPS

AND SALIVA THROUGH THE MAIL.

>> THEN A HEALTHY KID WOULD

LICK T GET CHICKEN POX AND

WOULDN'T NEED TO GET THE

VACCINE.

>> Stephen: YES, CHICKEN POX

LOLLIPOPS.

IT'S GOT THE DELICIOUS TASTE

KIDS LOVE WITH THE PROVEN

EFFECTIVENESS OF SOMETHING

LICKED BY A STRANGER.

AND THEY ARE GUARANTEED NOT

TO HARM YOUR KID'S MENTAL

DEVELOPMENT.

ALTHOUGH IF YOU ARE GIVING

THEM MAIL-ORDER LOLLIPOPS

LICKED BY A STRANGER, YOUR

KIDS MENTAL DEVELOPMENT MAY

NOT BE THE MAIN CONCERN.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW UNFORTUNATELY--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: UNFORTUNATELY,

FOLKS, THE GOVERNMENT IS

TAKING THIS CANDY FROM OUR

BABIES.

>> WELL, NOT ONLY DO DOCTORS

SAY IT IS DANGEROUS AND

CRAZY, U.S. ATTORNEYS SAY

IT'S ILLEGAL.

AT LEAST THE PART ABOUT

SENDING VIRUS-LADEN

LOLLIPOPS ACROSS STATELINES.

>> Stephen: OH, WHERE DO THE

REGULATIONS END?

TODAY WE CAN'T INFECT OUR

KIDS WITH MAIL-ORDER POX

POPS.

TOMORROW WE CAN'T FEDEX EACH

OTHER TAINTED MEAT LOZENGES.

THERE GO MY CHRISTMAS

PRESENTS.

NOW I WILL SAY THIS MUCH,

FOLKS, YOU SHOULD NEVER TAKE

DISEASED CANDY FROM A

STRANGER.

INSTEAD, GET IT FROM

PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS WHO

ARE PROUD TO INTRODUCE

VACSA-IUMEES, A NEW LINE OF

INFECTIOUS CONFECTIONS

PRODUCED UNDER THE STRICTEST

LABORATORY COMPANY, MAINLY

RUBBING THEM ON A SUBWAY

POLE.

YOUR KIDS WILL SCREAM FOR

AND BECAUSE OF CONTAGIOUS

TREATS LIKE JUNIOR

MINT-INGITIS.

M-AND EMBOLISMS.

AND GOOBERS.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA-IUMEES

MAY INCLUDE CONJUNCTION JUNK

DIFFICULTITY IS, SHIN

SQUINTS AND WIN, LUPUS OR

DRAW.

NEXT UP, GOT HELP-- FOLKS,

THE-- DIDN'T EXPECT THAT

PART.

FOLKS, THE SMALL INTESTINE

IS HOME TO OVER 700

DIFFERENT SPECIES OF

BENEFICIAL BACTERIA.

WHICH IS WHY COME TAX SEASON

I CLAIM THEM ALL AS

DEPENDENTS.

BUT IN RARE CASES PEOPLE'S

GOOD BACTERIA CAN DIE OUT AT

THE HAND ITS OF HARMFUL

BACTERIA WITH DIRE

CONSEQUENCES.

>> ALLEN WAS SO SICK, SHE

COULDN'T EAT FOR ALMOST A

YEAR.

ALL SHE COULD STOMACH WERE

CRACKERS AND WATER.

>> Stephen: YES, CRACKERS

AND WATER.

OS AS MITT ROMNEY CALLS IT,

ETHNIC FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: SO FOLKS, JUST

WHEN DOCTORS-- JUST WHEN

DOCTORS THOUGHT THERE WAS NO

CURE, THEY SAW A LIGHT AT

THE END OF THE COLON.

>> DR. DUTTA WAS WILLING TO

TRY SOMETHING RADICAL.

SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER

BEEN DONE BEFORE AT HIS

HOSPITAL, A FECAL TRANSPLANT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, A

FECAL TRANSPLANT.

IT'S LIKE A HEART TRANSPLANT

BUT POOP.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: IT TURNS OUT

ANOTHER PERSON'S FECES CAN

RESTORE YOUR GOOD BACTERIA.

OF COURSE THE TREATMENT HAS

ITS DRAW BACKS.

>> POOP, IT SMELLS LIKE POOP,

YOU KNOW, THEN YOU ACTUALLY

HAVE TO INTRODUCE IT INTO

THE PATIENT SO, WE HAD TO GO

THROUGH THE MOUTH.

>> Stephen: YES.

IT IS OFFICIAL.

DOCTORS CAN NOW WHITE YOU A

PRESCRIPTION TO EAT [BLEEP]

AND LIVE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, FOLKS,

THIS GOT PRESCOTT THINKING,

IF FECES CAN HELP CURE

DISEASE WHAT ABOUT ALL OF

OUR OTHER BODILY WASTES THAT

IS WHY PRESCOTT IS PROUD TO

INTRODUCE

VACSA-YOU-DON'T-WANT-TO-KNOW

IT IS AN ALL IN ONE BLEND OF

EVERY FLUID, FLAKE, FROTH

AND CRUST THAT SEEPS FROM OR

FALLS OFF A HUMAN BODY.

IT'S GOT EVERYTHING YOU CAN

DREAM OF, PLUS SOME THINGS

ONLY THE PRODUCERS OF SAW

HAVE DREAMT OF.

BUT JUST SAY THAT HERE THE

POOP IS THE IN-ACTIVE

INGREDIENT.

SIDE EFFECTS OF VACSA

VACSA-YOU-DON'T-WANT-TO-KNOW

INCLUDE, YOU REALLY DON'T

WANT TO KNOW.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR CHEATING

DEATH BROUGHT TO YOU BY

PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS.

REMEMBER OUR MOTTO WA,

DOESN'T KILL YOU, ONLY MAKES

YOU A REPEAT CUSTOMER.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, I'LL SEE

YOU IN

Loading...