Stephen Confesses to a Distracted Media

  • Aired:  05/05/11
  •  | Views: 72,029

Stephen admits to petty theft, an art heist and a debilitating meth habit while the news media is distracted with Bin Laden's death. (4:55)

( APPLAUSE )

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: VERY NICE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BIG SHOUTOUT.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

I WANT TO SAY HELLO TO

EVERYBODY WATCHING ALL

AROUND THE WORLD, ESPECIALLY

OUR VIEWERS IN NEW ZEALAND.

(LAUGHTER)

IS THERE ANY HOBBITS IN NEED

OF A MASSAGE?

I AM YOUR MAN.

CALL ME.

(APPLAUSE)

GET MY FINGERS IN THOSE

HAIRY TOES.

NATION, I GOT TO TILL, WHEN

WE SHOT BIN LADEN IN THE

FACE, I WAS AS EXCITED AS

THE NEXT GUY.

UNLESS THE NEXT GUY WAS BIN

LADEN.

BUT ENOUGH.

WE GET IT.

PRESIDENT OBAMA IS AWESOME.

HE'S A GUTSY LEADER WHO

KILLED BIN LADEN.

I DON'T LIKE THIS NEW OBAMA

WHO HUNTS MUSLIM EXTREMISTS.

I LIKED THE OLD BAMA WHO IS

A MUSLIM EXTREMIST.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I DON'T KNOW, THINGS CHANGE,

I GUESS.

AND FOLKS, I ADMIRE THE

PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE THE

PRESIDENT SEEM LESS AWESOME

BY CRITICIZING HIM FOR NOT

RELEASING THE PHOTOS OR

TAKING TOO MUCH CREDIT, BUT

COME ON, THAT'S LIKE

CRITICIZING SEX FOR RIPPING

DOWN THE SHOWER ROD.

(APPLAUSE)

NOW FOLKS, I WOULD LOVE, I

WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT

SOMETHING ELSE AT THE TOP OF

THE SHOW BUT THE TV PEOPLE

WON'T LET ME.

>> WE'RE BRINGING YOU

DETAILS ABOUT THE HELICOPTER

USED BY NAVY SEALS IN THE

BIN LADEN RAID.

>> NATIVE AMERICAN LEADERS

ARE CRIT SIZING THE USE OF

THE CODE NAME GERONIMO FOR

OSAMA BIN LADEN.

>> WE ARE GETTING WORD TODAY

ABOUT THE HEROIC DOGS ROLE

IN BIN LADEN'S TAKEDOWN.

>> THE DEATH-OF-OSAMA BIN

LADEN IS CELEBRATED ON

AMERICAN STREETS AND ON-LINE

AND SOMEHOW MILEY CYRUS

ENDED UP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE

OF IT.

>> Stephen: OH MY GOD.

MILEY CYRUS KILLED BIN

LADEN.

ALTHOUGH, YOU KNOW WHAT, IT

WAS COVERT OP, SO PROBABLY

HANNA MONTANA.

OH GOD, SEE HOW THEY SUCK

YOU IN?

I WAS FEELING DESPERATE FOR

SOME OTHER NEWS SO I TURNED

TO THIS THING CALLED THE

INTERNET.

IT'S REALLY COOL.

IT'S LIKE PEOPLE ARE SENDING

YOU FAXES TO A TV ON YOUR

DESK.

SO FOLKS, FRESH FROM THE

INTERWEB I PRESENT THE TALK

TRENDING NONBIN LADEN STORY,

BABY DUCK WATCHING A YO-YO.

LOOK AT HIM.

LOOK AT THOSE BABY DUCKS.

(APPLAUSE)

THEY CANNOT STOPWATCHING IT.

THEY ARE FOCUSED ON IT LIKE

PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS FOCUSED

ON CATCHING BIN LADEN.

DAMMIT!

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

THAT JUST SNUCK UP ON ME

LIKE A NAVY SEAL TEAM.

STOP IT!

(LAUGHTER)

>> FOLKS, THE ONLY UPSIDE TO

THIS BIN LADEN BINGE IS THAT

IT'S ALLOWING PEOPLE WITH

BAD NEWS TO GET IT OUT THERE

AND GET IT IGNORED.

FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW

THAT IN THE WAKE OF HISTOR I

HAD SEX SCANDAL SENATOR JOHN

ENSIGN GAVE HIS RESIGNATION

SPEECH TO CONGRESS ON MONDAY?

NEITHER DID CONGRESS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> BECAUSE NONE OF THEM

SHOWED UP.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY EVEN APOLOGISE.

HE COULD HAVE BANGED ANOTHER

AIDE'S WIFE RIGHT THERE ON

THE PODIUM.

THE MEDIA, THE MEDIA ALSO

DID NOT COVER THE BAYER ASS

PHOTOS OF KATE MIDDLETON'S

PHOTOS THAT SUR FACED ON THE

INTERNET YESTERDAY.

AND THAT SONY PLAYSTATION

REVEALED THAT 25 MILLION

MORE PEOPLE HAD THEIR DATA

HACKED.

WELL, WITH THE NEWS MEDIA

THIS DISTRACTED, I WOULD

LIKE TO GET A FEW THINGS OFF

MY CHEST.

I AM A WEALTHY PERSON.

BUT I STEAL CLIF BARS IF

FROM WHOLE FOODS.

MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL.

ALSO, I AM A METH ADDICT.

I AM A TWEAKER FREAK.

I AM A SHANK BANGING BAG

CHASER.

RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW MI

HUFFING BUZZER DUST TILL

DAWN.

FINALLY I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE

THIS TIME TO CONFESS TO THE

1990 VERMEER HEIST AT THE IS

ISABELLA STEWART GARDNER

MUSEUM IN BOSTON.

HERE IS VERMEER'S

MASTERPIECE, THE CONCERT.

VALUED AT $250 MILLION.

I-- I AM KIND OF SICK OF IT.

YOU CAN COME PICK IT UP NOW.

OKAY.

WHOO!

THAT FELT GOOD.

NOT AS GOOD AS DOING A BUMP

OF PRIMO GLASS OUT OF A

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